It took two days after that moment for me to get a good night of sleep. Chris, on the other hand, had fortunately recovered from the joyless mood that had engulfed him that day and had recently been able to get more hours of shut-eye, not the ideal amount, but he managed. I had decided I would give him more space, I was becoming a little too needy for my liking and I was afraid of overdoing my plan of making him feel loved.
Judging by his reactions, maybe, I had been suffocating him. Not that he had said anything, but he’d been more distracted, weary, a little bit distant and too focused on the shows and our plans ahead which included the DVD, the Paralympics Closing Ceremony-a massive task, might I add- and our European, Australasian and probably Latin American legs of the tour . He definitely did not need a clingy husband to add to it. I had tried to spend some time by myself, reading, going to the hotel gym or hanging out with Will. I was not sure if it had been because of my change of strategy, or if it had all been a coincidence, but he had been more relaxed, energetic and confident since I had sort of backed off. Little old me; however, was becoming a ball of anxiety and insecurity, not that I was ever going to intentionally show it.
It was only a matter of weeks before we had to perform with Rihanna and despite all the time and effort that I had invested in our relationship, I had been unable to prevent Chris from getting all excited when talking about her. I still flinched in pain every time Chris would recall with gleeful eyes a funny moment shared with the young singer at that party. That, combined with the fact we had barely had a moment of intimacy, conspired to fuel my jealousy. I hated it; I absolutely despised feeling this way. I knew Chris had done nothing with her, but I still felt insecure. I had tried to control it but I could not help it. The only moments I was entirely happy these days were when performing on stage, playing with the guys, with that little ball of energy that was my husband dancing around me, playing for me, for I knew, despite the thousands of people in the stadium, that when he gave me that look, the one that said “Can you believe it? Can you believe all this Jay? Look where we are babe.” I knew he was thinking of no one else but me.
We had been touring for a few months now and it did not matter how much we loved our job, it still took a toll on our bodies and minds. Not playing, that part was absolutely the most awesome thing that could happen, it was a dream come true actually, but I had to admit I was getting a bit tired of sitting through countless interviews and getting up at the crack of dawn to appear on USA morning shows. That did not help my mood; that was for sure.
Chris and I sat for an interview now, the third of at least six we had scheduled for that day. The interviewers changed, the camera men changed, their questions did not. By now we were equally bored and tired of it, but Chris and I knew this was part of the job and we amiably chatted with them, trying our best to be polite. Chris got a bit creative with his answers when he was bored, cracking jokes and inventing ridiculous things, it lifted the situation and helped me pass the time with a better disposition. I loved that about him, life with him was never dull, by the way his eyes would glitter and slightly roll to the side, you could already tell he was coming with something up in that mind of his. So we were there answering questions about Mylo Xyloto when of course the topic of our recent single came up and so did the questions about Rihanna, which Chris was happy to answer.
I was by no means against talking about the video, even when the last interviewer had suggested it was surprisingly sexy to be one of our videos, but this current fellow was stepping out his game, trying to make us talk about how sexy Rihanna was.
“She really is,” I heard my husband say beside me with genuine enthusiasm as I silently hoped the conversation deviated to another less touchy topic.
“And well, how come you ended up collaborating together? Was it your idea? Her idea? Who approached who?” the man asked.
For the next minute I listened to Chris retell for the tenth time in two days the tale of how he had asked Rihanna to sing in our song. Honestly, I was sick of hearing it, my stomach twisted into knots every time I heard my husband say her name in that eager way. Having talked about the video and its infamous scenes for hours recently, I could not stop the images assaulting my mind, making my blood boil with jealousy.
“…she’s got an amazing voice,” Chris was saying while I set my face in what I hoped was an expression of agreement, “she’s one of the most talented singers and I just thought, we thought,” he corrected himself,” that she would be perfect for that song, you know,” he finished.
“Absolutely, and she’s one of the most attractive women in the music business at the moment,” the man said with a gleeful eye.
“Oh, I think she’s the most beautiful woman in the world,” Chris stated.
I internally cringed; a sharp pain shot through my chest. I did my absolute best to be a professional about it and not show it. We were working after all. I knew we tried not to bring our relationship into our job, but that did not stop the fact that we were married and had been together for years. Him being so repeatedly and openly admiring and complimentary to someone else hurt me. The fact that she was a celebrity did not change how I felt.
I pursed my lips in a thin line, very aware I was being filmed, keeping a lid on my emotions.
“Honestly?”
“Yeah.”
I saw the interviewer’s eyes turn in my direction. Oh no, God, don’t ask me what I think I about this. I would not be able to control myself if asked to comment on it, so before he could even open his mouth, I turned to Chris and asked in the most unconcerned tone I could muster,
“And what about Beyoncé?”
“Oh yeah!” he excitedly said, “I can’t believe I forgot about her! Well, she follows close on number two!” he stated with a grin.
“Number two for Beyoncé, then?” the guy said, his attention back on Chris.
“Mmm, no scratch that! They should share number one, I think, they’re both amazing ladies!”
“Beyoncé deserves that! I personally liked her quite a lot,” the guy admitted.
“She’s gorgeous!” Chris agreed. I was uncomfortable and felt sort of detached from the conversation, but it had been me who had brought poor Beyoncé into the discussion.
“Would you agree Jonny?” the interviewer asked.
“Absolutely,” I said, not really knowing what I was agreeing on. Beyoncé being beautiful, her sharing number one with Rihanna or I don’t know, Chris wanting to fuck her.
“Actually,” the interviewer whispered in an exaggerated way, “If I’m honest with you, I’m a bit more inclined towards Beyoncé,” he said.
“Really?” I asked, trying to contribute something. Chris eyed him curiously.
“Yes, you know, I’ve always had something of a crush on her,” he said. “A celebrity crush I must make clear! Just a celebrity crush, honey!” he said looking at the camera. “Just in case my wife is watching,” he laughed and we did too. At least the guy had had the decency of thinking about his spouse. Unlike Chris who had just drooled all over for that young lady. “She stares lovingly and sighs whenever Hugh Jackman is on the TV, so I’m allowed to have a celebrity crush as well!” he finished.
“It’s only fair, man!” Chris said.
“Anyways, Beyoncé’s always been my favourite,” he said.
“Fair enough,” Chris laughed.
“Probably because she’s a Virgo girl, you know, so is my wife, I’ve always had a thing for Virgo girls, they’re awesome,” he stated.
I was half expecting Chris to make a comment on how he had a thing for Virgo boys, but he didn’t, despite having had the perfect cue. It was alright, I guessed, we had always been adamant that we did not want to be asked about our private lives. If he had said that, it would have been a sort of invitation for those snoopy questions, right? I reckoned. Instead, Chris asked the man something about Beyoncé’s last video and they started speculating about a collaboration between her and Rihanna. I remained quiet through their discussion, only speaking again when he asked about our tour. Still, it would have been lovely that he had said something nice about me, after listening to him generously praise other people.
Control yourself Jonny. You’re being too jealous.
I chided myself.
