That night, as I lay in bed, fretfully awake, I turned over the situation in my mind and examined it from every angle. Difficult as it was, I did my best to distance my emotions from it, to see it from Chris’ perspective, to give him the benefit of the doubt. Probably he was not aware of my feelings and thought nothing of it, probably this flirtation empowered him, made him feel good about himself, but that was my job, wasn’t it? Maybe he was being a bit careless, but probably so was I. Something I was very aware of was that if there was a problem in the relationship, the responsibility was shared, maybe not in equal amounts, but I felt somehow responsible for what was happening.
What was I not doing, or not doing well enough? Was I being attentive with Chris? Was I making an effort to make him feel special? The last year had been a whirlwind of activity; releasing a record, touring everywhere, shooting videos, having countless meetings. We had had lots of fun, too, but maybe, after all these years, Chris and I had got a little too comfortable in our relationship and had left certain little things unattended. Little gestures maybe; those that meant a lot and could probably make your day. Like a sweet note left in a book, or some extra cuddling time or maybe a naughty surprise when it was least expected. Maybe we had taken each other for granted. Not that we had grown apart, far from it, but well, routine can be boring and can play havoc in a marriage if you sit down and don’t do anything about it. I did not want that to happen to us.
Maybe it was a sign; maybe Chris flirting with another person was a sort of wake-up call, as hurtful as it was. I couldn’t allow it, I wouldn’t allow it. I was still hesitant whether he actually knew what he was doing, whether I was right or just blowing things out of proportion, so before confronting him, I would tackle the problem. I would make sure not to give him any excuses to go searching for attention elsewhere. He was my husband; I’d give him everything he needed.
I sort of set up a plan of action, if one could call it that, I would be more thoughtful, I would have my mind in my job, but I would not disregard my relationship with Chris. It could be done, it would take determination, patience and lots of love. I had them, I knew I did.
So, as from today I would compliment him more; flirting more with him as we used to do. I remembered us just a few months ago even, sneaking lustful glances at each other in inappropriate moments, or whispering sly remarks and promises for the night during backstage and even on stage! My breath still caught in my throat when I saw him, I was head over heels for him, but I didn’t know why we barely had that playful exchange as often as we used to anymore. I should always let him know how he drove me crazy every night when he lay on the floor, panting, staring up at me during the ending of In My Place. Well and in so many other moments. He deserved to know, I was too inhibited to do something bold on stage, but I could certainly let him know in private.
I would also make a point of not skipping my working out routine, he loved it when I was eager about exercising. Since we got together and particularly after I turned 30 he insisted we should get fit, Will and Guy agreed, we were not teenagers anymore and having a working out routine would benefit us not only in our health but also in our performance. I knew it was true but oh, I felt so lazy about it, but with Chris’ support and sometimes outright nagging, I had managed to start and had seen the benefits right away. Chris’ beaming face when I joined him for a run was worth every drop of sweat. He had inspired me to be better, to be healthier and I had to admit this had had a huge boost in my confidence. However, lately, I’d been slacking on it, I sometimes found silly excuses not to go to the gym or just hugged my pillow tighter when Chris poked me asking me to get up and go running with him, but that would have to end.
So that was my plan, trying to make him feel loved and desired as much as possible-without overdoing it of course. If he felt secured and wanted in our relationship, then there would be no need to go flirting with someone else, right?
I set on the task of “wooing Chris” as if he was not with me, I loved him too much and I would hate it if my laziness made him feel less valued and alienated him from me. I would be the best guitarist, friend, partner and lover I could be, I resolutely thought. I turned around and gazed at the Chris-shaped lump sleeping beside me. I couldn’t see much in the darkness of the room, but I felt him, I felt his warmth, I heard him breathing steadily.
I do love you so very, very much.
I shuffled closer to him, as closer as I could without bothering him, my arm against his back, my legs barely touching his.
Chris stirred, “Is everything alright?” he murmured.
“Yes, babe, sorry I woke you up,” I said.
“It’s ok,” he wiggled a bit under the duvet, “Can’t sleep?”
“No, not that much, but don’t worry, go back to sleep.”
“Mmm,” he rolled to face me, “Does your head still hurt?” he asked on the verge of sleep.
“No I’m fine, love, really,” I assured him.
“Good. Try to relax Jonny Boy,” he said linking his left foot with my right one. I smiled in the darkness and rubbed it for a bit. Within a few minutes he was resting again.
I couldn’t say he was in deep sleep, that was a concept Chris’ body had problems to grasp, but he was at least lightly resting.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, dissipating the negative feelings of today from my mind. I would follow my plan, everything would be alright. It was alright already, I thought feeling him right next to me. Before I knew it, I had nodded off as well.
I faced the day ahead with a new attitude. I did my best to forget about Rihanna and I did for the most part. It all had seemed a little silly thing now that I contemplated it from a distance, in the light of a new day. Instead, I focused on Chris and I, on our relationship.
