I opened my eyes to see Chris’ face right in front of mine, he was sleeping soundly, his supple lips partially opened, his blond eyelashes resting on his skin and his hair almost glowing in the bright morning sunshine. He looked peaceful, untroubled and I felt the need to get closer and snuggle up to him. Of course I didn’t. We might have rolled closer to each other in sleep but that did not mean things were right between us.
I was hurt by his actions, but I was ready to forgive him if he explained what had happened, assured me there had been no cheating, told me he was sorry and promised not to let it happen again. I was ready to keep fighting for our relationship, but I was under the impression he did not believe he had done anything wrong.
His arm twitched and moved forwards, gently colliding with my stomach, it wasn’t painful for either of us, but it was enough to make him stir. His drowsy eyes fluttered open, finding my bearded face just inches away, they closed again and Chris rolled over, leaving me with an up-close view of his back.
I rolled over to my side, sat up and stretched, my muscles were still a bit weird and I had a runny nose. Ugh. I stood up, grabbed our hoodie and put it on, relishing in its warmth. It still smelled like Chris, but I did not mind, because it smelled like the Chris who had bought a delicious chocolate cupcake and a cute birthday balloon for me, the one that had written Green Eyes for me, and the one that had cried when the council officer had declared our union legal, not the one that pretended I was a big chunk of matter he needed to avoid.
After a quick trip to the bathroom, I headed down to the kitchen to prepare some tasty breakfast; that would lift my mood a little.
It didn’t really work as I had hoped, but at least my stomach was full and warm. Chris had not come down and I had started to wonder how to spend this day off and make the most of it on my own, since my husband seemed still detached from me. I could do some activity, some exercise; it would benefit me, not only physically, but also mentally. I shook my head as I remembered getting fit being one of the main points to focus on my original plan to get Chris interested in our relationship. Well, I was definitely in better shape, but Chris had virtually not talked to me in more than a day, so the results had not been entirely what I had expected.
Regardless of it, I would go to the gym, I had decided on it. Then I would go running, if my cold was not being too much of a nuisance, it would help me clear my mind. It was with a bit of uncertainty that I tiptoed back into our bedroom to get my tracksuit bottoms and trainers, but Chris seemed to be asleep. He did not even move while I changed and got ready. Normally, I would have leaned in to plant a sweet kiss on his head, but I wasn’t sure it would be well received if he woke up, so I settled for a short message on our kitchen board. “Chris: it’s 9:15 I’m going out…” I erased the last part, should I tell him I was going to the gym? Or should I let him guess what I was doing? I hated having to play this sick game, if only things were back to normal again, I sighed and leaned forward again…” I’m going to the gym and probably to buy some things...”
Yeah, why not?
We did need to refill our fridge and cupboards, after all. I edited it a bit here and there until the message was finished, I also debated whether or not to write “I love you” at the end for about five minutes before finally re-reading it. “Chris, it’s 9:20, I’m going out to the gym and to do some shopping, I’ll be back before noon. Jonny”
I had settled for not writing “I love you” not because I did not love him, I did, with all my heart, but I did not think he was putting much effort into this.
As I walked down the streets, I wondered why Chris felt so offended. If I could get to the bottom of it, I could maybe start to find a solution to our rift. He had been hurt I had accused him of cheating, but I truly had not done that. I had always been awful with words and maybe I had not been able to get my message across. No, he had been in denial, he had truly believed his interaction with Rihanna had been “just acting”, I wondered if he was fooling himself or if he indeed believed I was a fool to buy it. Whatever the case, Chris and I were just undeniably gloomy.
