Childhood Love

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»» Mae

"You're what?!" Christina screams and Madison clamps her hand over her mouth so my best friend doesn't shriek again.

"Excuse me?" Toby raises his eyebrows.

Carson nods his head slowly, "yes, and I need all of your advice."

I stare at the boy who had just admitted about being accepted to join the FC Barcelona team, which leads to permanently moving to Europe. If Carson still has his childhood dream, then being asked to be apart of this famous team, he's bound to be hyperventilating with excitement. When we were kids he would always talk about being a member of the team and it made me smile to see him talk about something he's passionate about.

"But if I were to join their team then that means we wouldn't be a couple and that just about kills me." He warmly grins at me, making my heart melt.

"Don't worry about it, Carson, we'll cross that bridge when we get there." I simply reply.

"Yeah, I guess, I can already see it!" He excitedly explains, "you in the stands with Carson Jr. and when I'm being interviewed I will say, 'and it's all thanks to my wonderful - hopefully - wife, Mae! And who can forget my adorable son?!'"

I giggle at his expressions and let my grin spread all the way to my eyes, "that sounds lovely."

"How could it not?" He teases.

"Oh yeah! I'm just the wife of a super rich, very famous, soccer player." I playfully banter.

Carson shows off a mock surprise look, "so what, now you just like me for my fame?! I don't know if this relationship will work . . ."

I laugh and softly punch his arm, "oh shut up."

"Mae? Do you have any advice for me?" Carson hesitantly wonders.

I snap out of my thoughts, pain creating in my stomach. We were so happy back then, we liked each other, we had our entire life planned out exactly the way we wanted it but now it's being ruined completely.

I stand up and choke down a loud sob, breaking down in Starbucks is not an ideal place. Quickly, I race out of the building, ignoring all of the calls from my friends behind me.

As my feet slap against the concrete, I look rapidly for my car in the parking lot, but then I feel a warm hand wrap around my bicep. I flip around and see Carson with a hurt expression. Angrily, I pull away and stand back.

"I've got to go." I mumble, fighting off more tears.

"Mae! Why do you always leave?! Why can't we talk things out?!" He says, his voice wavering.

"Because Carson! If I let myself feel, I will be weak, and I can't stand being weak!" I fight back.

"But you know better than anyone that you can be soft around me! You can't always be strong, you need to let everything out!" Carson pushes further causing me to fight back even more tears. My face boils, hinting that I will burst in just a minute if I don't calm down.

"Well Carson, I really don't have a choice in the matter now do I? I have to be strong, I don't want anyone to know that I'm hurt because of a stupid boy! It's so freaking weak if you get hurt by someone, but to me, I feel absolute pain every single day because no matter how hard I try, I keep reliving the past and when I look in the present, you're over there, snuggling with another girl, not giving me a second glance. So really, you're the last person I feel like opening up to."

"You're hurt because of me?! You're the one who walks away from me! I wish we could talk things out and be back to normal."

I slap my for head and then glare at him, "you don't understand now do you?! Our normal was us liking each other, our normal was hanging out and talking about the future, our normal was having a great time and allowing me to feel special just once, but guess what?! You don't love me anymore, it's Grace. So even when we try to fix things, we will never be normal, not even close to it because you left me!"

Carson's ears burn, "how did I leave you?! Please enlighten me on the subject!"

"You gave me hope that no other boy gave me. When things went rough, you were always there. You used to have the courage to throw yourself in front of a car if it meant keeping me safe! And then you started liking Grace, please, you have every right to love her, but you lied to my face for months. You had me foolishly thinking that you still liked me and no one else. But it was a huge, fat lie! And I didn't even hear it from YOU! It came from CHRISTINA! So screw the part where you love Grace and not me, it hurts but I've been living with that pain for years now - no, what truly has me screaming is the fact that you kept a secret such as that from me and made myself look like an idiot. So don't come yelling at me for leaving, because I have a reason. You though, you're running away to Europe, I am so proud of you for being accepted to your dream team, but you have no right to come complaining to me about walking away, because you did that a long time ago."

We both stare at each other and Carson opens his mouth multiple times before a sound comes out.

"I will never stop -"

"NO! Stop! Don't give me that, I'm moving on, I'm letting go, because you did that so now it's my turn." I scream one last time.

His lips are in a thin line and he clentches his fist, "so this is how I'm going to leave? With a fight?"

I cross my arms and sniffle, "yeah. I guess life is repeating itself."

"Fine. We're finally saying goodbye?" Carson breathes.

I squeeze my eyes closed, saying goodbye to Carson Dagger? No one in their right mind would say goodbye to this boy, he's a great and a perfect guy to be with, too bad he's not mine to have.

"Yes." I stumble out the words then swiftly spin around and run to my car, tears spilling out of my eyes now. I get in then drive away, passing by the boy who once gave me absolute joy but now only gives me pain.

He's the boy I grew up with, the one where I could share all my secrets with, he was my first love. I never thought I'd ever have to say goodbye to him, then Grace happened and moving to Kansas, those things occurred and I knew it was true, I did have to say my farewells but still had a small piece of hope. So when I grew up and moved back here, I was overjoyed to have a fresh start with the newfound man. Hearing him ending his relationship with the girl who broke us back then, it made my hope rise higher, only to deflate in the end. Being told that he was planning on asking her out again because he still loved her, it brought back a familiar heartbreak feeling. Within the time he was a single man, I just knew I had a chance, Carson could love me again, but now I know his heart will always be with Grace. I can't fight that, the past was undeniably amazing, but I'm now nothing but the past. That's all I ever will be from now on, just a locked away childhood love.