This Is Who I Am

Chapter Nine

Edward's P.O.V

The car ride that started off going to nowhere eventually lead me back to San Francisco. I drove around for nearly the same amount of time it took me to get here, left my car by some crowded Mexican restaurant and walked off to nowhere in particular. Where my legs will lead me? I don't know and honestly couldn't care less. It looks like it might rain and the air around me is getting colder by the minute. I didn't bring a jacket and honestly if catching a pneumonia is the worst that can happen to me right now, I'm willing to take it like a champ.

I walk down the busy streets of Downtown San Francisco, bumping into people once in a while, apologizing and moving on. It's like a routine. It's almost like everything around me is going in slow motion. The people, the cars, the lights and even the sun setting and the sky darkening. As we walk, the strangers among me and I, we walk in sync. Everyone walks at the same pace with the goal of reaching their destination, go from one place to another, knowing the pathway and knowing what awaits for them at the very end. And here was I among them, I looked the same, I was part of them but I was far more different. I don't know what my goal is and I'm even more ignorant of what waits for me at the end of the pathway.

I part from the crowds of people flooding the streets of Downtown San Francisco and find my way to a dark ally at one point during my endless walk. The air gets heavier and the humidity around me denser. Small water droplets start falling off the sky, getting quicker and heavier until I'm soaked. I lean against the soaked wall and slide myself down to a sitting position, legs curled up to my chest and arms stretched out in front of me, like I'm reaching for something. For what? I'm wondering myself.

With a deep breath, I close my eyes and slightly bang my head agaisnt the concert wall.

Come on. Give me something, please.

Nothing.

I bang it a little harder, fisting my hands over my knees.

Come on!

Nothing.

I bang it again, harder and harder. I wait for something, anything. A little image, a little word, a flash of light. Anything. But nothing happens, my brain is pretty fucking useless. I bang it harder, to the point where the pain comes right back and I groan, leaning my head against it.

"Son of a bitch," I curse under my breath and run my hands through my soaked hair. The rain doesn't seem like it's going to stop anytime soon.

When I open my eyes, I can vaguely see the people on the streets running for shelter, covering themselves with either their suitcases, purses or their jackets, unaware of what's going on in the dark ally.

I look away and stare at the brick wall a few feet from me. That's when it hits me, like a punch to the gut. Where did I crash? Where? Was I here? Or in Chicago? If I was in Chicago then why the hell did I wake up in San Francisco? I vaguely remember those first days at the hospital, but I know well I was in San Francisco, I wasn't transfered, was I? But then if I was in San Francisco, what was in doing here? Wasn't I living in Chicago according to Alice?

I run my hands down my face, stretching it down as far as it can to the point of pain and let it go. I do it one more time, trying to ease my mind from the now very familiar pain in the back of my head. I look up at the cloudy sky that pours gallons of water over me, almost like making fun of my miserable situation by making it even more miserable.

I want to laugh at my own situation. Here I am, the guy who said that he wouldn't let the amnesia take over his life, sitting in a dark ally in the rainy night, who also tried banging his head against the concrete wall to see if that would trigger something. Now here is he, miserably sitting in that same dark ally like the pathetic loser he is. Good one, Edward. Very good one. Now you won't let it go. Not now, probably not tomorrow. Probably not until you finally remember, because that's all you want now isn't it? To hell with moving on with your life and not let it hold you back, right? To hell with becoming everything you want to become! To hell with everything, right?