Why Kaidan is the Best Love Interest in Mass Effect

Miranda Lawson - Cerberus Operative

Ah Miranda, what can I say about you? Mmm. What can't I say about a Cerberus operative who looks like she should be swinging around a pole in a shady bar on Omega?

So we meet Miranda when we're miraculously revived on a Cerberus outpost that's under attack... but just her voice to start. It's English... so there's that. As first impressions go, kinda sexy, demanding and well... authoritative all in one.

You talk to her briefly (or argue as the case may be), before fleeing the base about to be destroyed. (Because I totally have time for an argument while the base is literally on the verge of being reduced to so many bits of space junk.) Here, she's arrogant, clinical and distant, while at the same time Jacob is totally on my side and telling her to back off.

We leave the station and now we're on a new one and she wants nothing to do with you. She's got an attitude, a chip on her shoulder and makes no effort to be nice or pleasant and makes it very clear she does not want to be friends. In fact, it seems pretty clear she's jealous of you... mmm, dem daddy issues suck. Am I right?

The game progresses... omg, another freaking cut scene? Wth Bioware?

Anyway, now were on an icy, deserted outpost that looks like a ghost town. Not much for dialogue but now Miranda is softening up to you. Uh... what? If that wasn't confusing enough, she's even nicer when you return to the Normandy.

Now she's apologetic and accomodating and wants nothing more than to make nice and be a good crew member. Okay, fine. Whatever Bioware. So nothing of any real importance happens with her after that. In fact, nothing much happens with any LI in ME2 until after you've done their loyalty mission.

I mean sure, you can take them on missions to gain some brownie points to increase their loyalty, but the romance bits don't appear until after the loyalty stuff. So, when Miranda finally asks for help she talks about a sister.

Which is fine, but come on. Having a sister she kept safe from her father does in no way make up for her participation and agreement with human experimentation. Seriously, what the hell Miranda?

So yada, yada, yada, more stuff happens. Miranda is so eternally grateful for your help with her sister, she's falling all over herself trying to kiss my ass. Literally. Kiss. My. Ass. But only if you're BroShep, Miranda doesn't swing the other way.

So fine. You're thinking great, time for some booty. But no. No, no, no. The game is so freaking long no one gets booty (or anything else), until after you enter the Omega 4 relay. So, 30ish hours later, the moment arrives.

So far, the only thing I'm even remotely curious about regarding Miranda at this point is how the sex scene will play out. She's gone from arrogant, conceited beotch to hanging on my every word like a drape. The only thing she hasn't done yet is kiss my ass.

The moment of truth arrives and... wait. Wth? In the engine room? With EDI watching everything? What about Jack? You don't think she's listening to everything and... ugh. Can you say tacky? Like with a capital T?

Why the hell would Miranda, of all people, choose to get it on in an engine room? Her entire personality is all about the nice things in life. Like expensive dinners, stimulating conversations, exotic getaways. An engine room does not in any way match her already established personality. It's like someone in Bioware had a kink, looked at ME2's cast of characters and said, oh, it would be so hot if Miranda did that.

And maybe it is for some people. I mean, I don't care where people get it on but this isn't about that. It's about character development and that scene went completely OOC in less than five minutes.

In my play through of romancing Miranda, I knew where the dialogue option was to trigger it. So I waited and put it off in the event I didn't like it and could make a different choice. Which I did. The minute her cut scene ended, I reloaded a previous save and noped out of her romance. Why? Because her romance scene was so out of character and wrong that I was completely turned off even before the fade to black. What does that say about her character?

Nothing good. I mean I wasn't all that invested in her to begin with, but her complete lack of remorse for her participation in human experimentation is deplorable. There's nothing redeemable here, especially when she makes no apologies for it.

I know what Bioware was thinking though, with their constant camera angles centering on Miranda's ass and cleavage... I mean it's hella obvious... there's memes about it for cripes sake... dat ass. But that aside, her character is not that attractive. Pouty lips, an english accent and skin-tight body suits aren't going to make up for her lack of empathy, but by the end of the game that was never the point.

In ME3 Miranda is another casualty of triple A publishers and bottom lines. There is no happy reunion with Miranda, no romance bits until the Citadel dlc and at the end, when you're saying goodbye, she's not even there. She's off planet somewhere and talking to you through a holographic video. Her dialogue implies that whether you live or not, she probably won't be sticking around and that, as they say, is that.

So... Miranda. Why are you here? What was the purpose of your romance other than blatant sex appeal for ME2? Was it to get an insider's view of Cerberus? Was it for sexual tension? Well I certainly hope not since that disappeared into so much smoke the minute you boarded the Normandy. Whatever bit of tension I saw on the outpost when I first talked to the Illusive Man vanished into so much smoke aboard the SR-2. It was as though whoever wrote those first few minutes was not the same person who wrote her dialogue for the rest of the game.

Honestly? I have no idea what to make of Miranda. From an objective viewpoint, she's okay enough. But there's really nothing that special about her. Everyone on the SR-2 has issues or a horrible back story, hers doesn't really stand out. She's attractive and arrogant with daddy issues... yeah, not unique. She's also unapologetic about her work with Cerberus. Human experimentation doesn't bother her and yet she's got issues up the yin yang over the fact that she is one. Say what now?

I don't hate Miranda, I find her pretty likable actually and more often than not she's at my side for missions. But as character development goes she's a pretty flat character, and considering what happens with her romance in ME3, really not worth perusing.

If you're in it just for looks however, Miranda wins. She's  attractive, oozes sex and there's a sliver of tension that's just enough to keep things interesting. Of the available romance options for straight male characters, your choices include Miranda, Tali and Jack. And honestly? Having tried them all (though only as far as the ending of ME2), I wouldn't choose any of them. They're just not that interesting.

Sorry Miranda, but I'm just not that into you. *sad face*

I see Miranda as a missed opportunity to make another well-rounded and well-developed character. Someone with depth beyond her issues and her revenge plans against her father. But alas, in the world of triple A publishing, that just didn't happen. The foundation was there, but as with all things EA there was no follow through.

RIP Miranda, though I'm sure you will live on somewhere in the world of fanfiction. Ta!