Why Kaidan is the Best Love Interest in Mass Effect

Jacob Taylor - Cerberus Operative

Well. He certainly takes his job seriously. Hmm. Defending me from the snooty English beotch huh? Are you trying to score brownie points Jacob or am I imagining all that?

So I meet Jacob and nothing much happens, but then I detect a note of irritation on the station where we first meet the Illusive Man. Okay fine, I suppose we already discussed part of your history, but it's not like I was really paying much attention while the station was under attack. Gimme a break dude.

Now we're on the Normandy. So much to do... so many people to talk to before I choose my first destination... and yet I somehow forget Jacob is here. When I do finally remember there's someone else I need to talk to, I'm struck by how odd he looks.

I mean, seriously... what is up with your hips and shoulders? Were you paralyzed at some point? Did the muscles in your legs atrophy when I wasn't looking? Since when are a guy's shoulders so much wider with hips more narrow than a pre-pubescent boy?

Right, so weird-af appearance aside, Jacob's dialogue is a minefield of TMI or a boring alert for how tedious it is. And that's it. What you get the first time you talk is nearly all the dialogue he has. If you make a paragon style choice in the beginning dialogue, the game thinks you want to romance him. Aside from that, there isn't much more you get from him until you've gotten more loyalty or until he asks for your help with his father. (Ugh... more daddy issues.) So, boring alert, Jacob is even less interesting than the armour you wear.

Aside from looks and lack of interesting personality, Jacob is kind of a dick. He's prickly in the armoury where he spends all his time, he's insulting to Thane, Tali, Legion and Jack and as far as good qualities go, I don't think he has any.

He's a former Alliance marine with a brief stint in special ops. Which he found... ha!, boring and so he decided to join a known terrorist group for... reasons? Yeah, reasons that are pretty flimsy if not downright stupid considering he supposedly just wants to do the right thing.

Um, what now? You didn't like how the Alliance did things so you did special ops. Then, because politics ruined that for you, you decided to join a known terrorist cell because they were... doing things? You don't approve, but... yeah. I am so confused by you.

As far as personality goes, Jacob pretty much wins hands down in the boring department. He starts as a security officer for a Cerberus outpost. He moves into being  a member of your crew, but he's so bland as a character I have no idea what he's even doing here.

So we move on to his loyalty mission. It's short with a lot of questionable decisions being made by the survivors of ten years ago. (Might be longer, can't remember, but it's been a while.) The mission progresses and all the bad things you think Jacob's father did is probably a lot worse than what's mentioned. So you do your thing and either Jacob's dad dies or goes to jail for eternity. Well, maybe not quite that long, but long enough.

Back on the SR-2, Jacob needs a bit of time. Romanced or not, a cut scene is eventually triggered where he thanks you for helping him out with his dad. Then he backtracks on his thoughts regarding fraternizaton. Considering how much he had to say about that when you first met... it's... weird.

Now, I did romance Jacob as broshep (once), since he's the only gay male available but... honestly? I can't for the life of me remember anything about it. That's how unremarkable it is. He comes to Shepard's cabin post entering the relay and... fade to black? Damn.. I can't remember.

Now moving on to Mass Effect 3 and there are a LOT of timed and scripted missions and cut-scenes. If you aren't paying attention, it is possible to miss Jacob's recruitment in ME3 altogether. (I didn't, but it is possible.) Though recruitment is not the right word here since he doesn't actually join your crew.

So anyway, he's on a remote, abandoned former Cerberus station with a bunch of scientists hiding from... Cerberus. Yeah, you heard right.

Anyway... the Illusive Man has finally tracked them down and are attacking the facility right now. As per usual, Jacob is being standoff-ish, argumentative and unapologetic. You have a conversation with a female scientist and things are... implied.

Feeling a bit off, I go talk to Jacob who won't stop calling my freaking name from the med bay, who informs me that he's expecting a baby with the woman I just talked to. What the hell Jacob?

After all the crap Jacob spewed on the Normandy about how awesome I am and how much and how deeply he totally cares about me, he cheated the minute the opportunity presented itself. Not only did he cheat, but he slept with a woman and now he's having a baby with her?

He's unrepentant even in the face of his betrayal. He even goes so far as to insult me minutes after apologizing for being a dick, by saying I'm not the settling down type. As if he knows me that well. Jerk. So yeah, that happened.

The next time you see the cheater, he's on the Citadel in the med bay, telling you he's not going to name his kid after you. Nice. Fine, whatever dickhead. Talk to the hand jackass.

So that, as they say, is that. You can see Jacob again in the Citadel DLC. He comes to your party in Anderson's apartment if you invite him, but meh... my interactions with him felt more like a chore rather than time spent with a friend. I mean really? He ditched me and cheated. Why the hell would I want to spend any time with him? And to challenge me at a video game store because reasons? Just so he can what? Show off for his students? Irritate me when he wins because he sucks as a person even when he loses?

Blah. Boring. I'd much rather argue with Zaeed over a rigged kid's game. Way more fun, way more entertaining.

So that's Jacob's romance. Boring to the point of inducing yawns, a character that felt more like an afterthought than an actual valued member of my crew, and very forgettable in the bigger scheme of things.

Aside from being the only gay male romance in ME2, he really has nothing else going for him. If you want a romance as a gay male you're shit out of luck if Jacob doesn't do it for you. Personally, I skip romance altogether as a gay male Shepard in ME2. It's just not worth it. It's unsatisfying and in the case of Jacob it really does go nowhere. Enjoy obscurity pal, no one cares about you, least of all the developers who wrote you.

Harsh and a bit sad and yet I have no regrets leaving him to his scientist girlfriend.