Why Kaidan is the Best Love Interest in Mass Effect

Dr. Liara T'Soni - Asari Archeologist

Uh... okay. She's blue and she's trapped in a blue bubble and there are geth here... and a krogan. And she trapped herself because she's what again? A prothean expert? Wait. If she's a prothean expert shouldn't she know what she's doing?

So you save her dumb ass and because of her incompetence the ruins are destroyed and the Council chews you out for letting it happen. Not only that, but you find out later she's been studying Protheans for fifty years. Say that again? Fifty years and she traps herself in a security device set in place by an extinct species she's been studying for half a century? What kind of expert is she?

As first impressions go, well, that one's not so good. Not only is she incompetent and doesn't really know anything about Protheans or their technology, she argues with me when I say I know what wiped them out. Then, once she actually listens to what I have to say she falls all over herself wanting to know more and to study me. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there lady. I barely know you and suddenly you're telling me I'm extraordinary and fascinating?

In our very first private conversation she starts talking about asari mating rituals. Okay that's going a bit far. I don't even know you and you're telling me how your species mate when every one if your species all look female? Uh... can I just call TMI on that? No? Shit. Then if I choose to point out the fact that they all look female, she corrects me while agreeing with me.

"Although we may look female to other species, we are able to (basically) sleep with anyone or anything we want. But yeah, sure, I suppose we do play a more matriarchal role in that perspective."

What? Dammit woman, err... uh it? He/she? I dunno what to call you now. How about too over-sharing? Yeah. Let's go with that. You're an over-sharer. Seriously Liara, I really did not need to know that.

Ahem. Moving on... Liara just never stops talking. Either about herself, her surprising attraction to me regardless of whether I'm male or female, Protheans and asari superiority and her mother. Well, maybe not so much her mother. Considering she helps kill her own mother, you'd think she'd be broken up about that. But nope. She's actually more concerned about getting in my pants.

That's right. My second conversation with Liara picks up where we left off. Wait? Did I miss something again? I thought she just wanted to "study" me because of the Prothean beacon? Nope. Apparently THAT conversation was her flirting with me. Okay then. Sure, right. How silly of me. So she tells me she wants me and then mentions my interest in Kaidan or Ashely and I tell her, yeah, I'm interested in them. Drop it.

Except she doesn't drop it. She ignores me and says that she still feels we share some kind of connection or bond, of which I have no idea what she's talking about. I once said sure, yeah okay, I'm interested in knowing more about you. Little did I know that by doing that, now both Liara and Kaidan or Ashley think I'm two-timing them. Sonova...

Yeah thanks Bioware for being oh so subtle in "my choices matter" not actually mattering. Why not just put on the cover in big bold letters... LIARA IS YOUR ONLY CHOICE. Why didn't they? Well because the game was sold as "your choices matter." To admit that developers and writers really, really wanted everyone to choose Liara because she got more dialogue and longer cut scenes wouldn't really show that, now would it?

Anywho. Back to Liara as a love interest. Now I know some fans like her and.... love her. So if you're one of them, you should stop reading now. No? Well don't say I didn't warn you. Also, no flame-wars people, no name-calling or gas-lighting. That won't be tolerated here.

As I was saying, Liara is a Prothean expert, but as I've already noted not a very good one. Also, she talks sooo much about them and herself that I get so bored listening to her yammer on and on about it. I don't really care how you mate with other species. Since when did I ever ask you about that? I'm not interested in you that way and never will be. Other than that, she has nothing very interesting to say. She's an archeologist who only studies Protheans and who trapped herself in her own dig site, then cowered when the geth showed up to take her to Saren.

So that was ME1. ME2 Liara is, well... let's just go there and say it. Bustier and her face is different. Can't put my finger on it, but different. And since when did she get hips like that? Damn patriarchial dominated game industry. Ugh. Anyway, she's not only NOT surprised to see me, but she's suddenly no longer an archeologist. Now she's an information broker? What? How does that work?

Professions aside, she's also more ruthless, opinionated and devious. After everything you learn about the terrorist organization (Cerberus) in ME1, Liara takes it upon herself to give me to them to bring me back from the dead. What? And she doesn't tell anyone and doesn't feel bad about it cuz she loved me. Say what now? I totally was not into you Liara and you had me resurrected? Why? Why would you do that after everything you saw Cerberus do to innocent people?

So that doesn't score her any brownie points either. That whole Shadow Broker DLC just makes Liara look like a scary, psychotic stalker who won't take no for an answer. Ew. Not only does she not accept that you rejected her two years ago, the DLC makes it clear that she wanted you back, clearly hoping that by saving your life you'll give her a second chance. Also, if you ask her back to your cabin and Renegade the dialogue about how you're feeling, she will disparage whoever you saw on Horizon. Devious little beotch....

Mass Effect 3. Since I'm writing my own ME fan fiction to fix what's wrong with ME3 (and there's sooo much wrong that I'm having trouble figuring out how to fix the innumerable continuity errors that it's too much to put here.) I will try to stay away from those... wish me luck.

So back to Liara. Liara in ME3 is pretty underwhelming. Aside from seeing her in different armour and having her in nearly every single cut scene of major war room decisions, her dialogue is largely meh. I've played through more than a dozen times and her dialogue is lame. I never romanced her past ME1 and that was an accident. (I chose the wrong dialogue before Virmire.) Never do that again.

Now I'm sure I'm missing a lot here, but from a writing and character development perspective, Liara falls flat in ME3. She has no real memorable scenes that stand out. Mostly all I remember from it is seeing her with glassy, watery eyes after Thessia, crying over her planet and sniffling that it was all her fault. Aside from that, she also tells you that she doesn't believe you'll win against the Reapers in the Citadel DLC.

So yeah. Underwhelming and thanks beotch. Thought you'd be cheering me on and waiting for me to come back to your waiting arms because of your undying love for me? Or maybe it's because you live to be over a thousand and I'm gonna die in under 100 years and now you've got a real live Prothean to annoy? Yeah, bet that's it. Flake. Cheater.

There are a LOT of dropped balls on cut scenes and dialogue with all love interests. Even Tali suffers from this and gets a HUGE shaft in the romance department. While Ashley gets three separate cut scenes outside DLC, and Liara gets more than four if you include the ones on the Normandy and From Ashes DLC, Tali gets three (might be two), but only if you have the Citadel DLC.

So there you have it. Liara goes from a mousy, talk about herself and the Protheans archeologist who likes books, to threatening to flay someone with her mind, trading sensitive and secret information for cash, making shady deals with terrorists and killing people. Good times.

But I know what you're thinking... preferences right? Well sure, preferences. But the idea that someone who totally loves history and culture and dead things who suddenly starts adding to the dead things herself, trading in secrets instead of writing dissertations... well, then it's stretching what's acceptable. Not in my world baby. Go back to your momma's basement and type in anime on your pc and stay out of my science fiction. Do it! Do it now!

Just kidding. I don't need luck or shotguns. I have ammo. They're called words.