Life is Liz (LiL, #1)

Chapter 39: Popcorn, Vanilla and Handsome Snales

I'd like to dedicate this chapter to @musicgeeks132. When I received the notification that you added LiL to your reading list My Favorites I literally squealed and jumped up and down. Seriously, ask my friend @maybemara.

Song up there is Same old war by Our last night. I love them and the songs fits into the chappy nicely. Play at the beginning.

Enjoy, loves!❤

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Dear 3 am, we have got to stop meeting this way. I'd much rather sleep with you.

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Every doubt my brain had been poisoned with about Sam was cured with a lack of sleep. Looking back, consuming so much caffeine hadn't been my brightest idea.

Time: 4:37 am
Hours of sleep: 0

I'd been up for over 20 hours as of now. I'd been lying in bed for over 5 of said hours, willing myself to fall asleep. It was an impossible task to accomplish however, because I was wide awake.

Thoughts of Sam invaded my brain, rushing through my mind like a train. Sam was indeed easy going and a good guy he was too and wasn't that what every girl would kill for? To find someone like him? So, why should I let this opportunity slip through my fingers? Why should I not be happy with him? Why can't I at least try to be with somebody, to be with him? I was always complaining about feeling lonely, maybe it was time to end this, maybe I should just go for it. What was holding me back?

I knew the answer, of course I did, but was I only using anxiety as an excuse? Was Ryan right? Had I been so focused on existing that I forgot how to live altogether?

Thinking about this, my hands started itching to text Sam. However, since it was almost 5 am on a school day I thought against it.

I pulled the sheets up to my chest as I rolled over in bed, throwing my right leg over the one covered. I closed my eyes, a giddy smile on my lips as I imagined our former date. I couldn't wait for the next one. With that thought in mind and the promise to text him throughout the day I watched the dark blue displayed in my room change colors to a light orange.

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The next day, I regretted texting Sam. Yesterday I'd stayed home from school, knowing that I could easily faint courtesy of being sleep deprived. I was glad nobody had visited me the day before, since I'd been such a giggling mess. No joke, a Liz without sleep was a-laugh-at-every-nonsense Liz. After this experience I was positive the key to happiness was through sleep deprivation.
But alas I'd messaged Sam the day prior and we'd planned to go on another date sometime this week. I was aware that it was my anxiety that'd talked me out of it. This was not a realisation I came to recently, I'd known this all along. I was just worried that it might be right.

I wasn't pretty enough to deserve him. I wasn't smart enough nor was I funny or kind enough for someone like Sam. I was just too much of myself for me to fit.

And I was scared that he didn't want anything to do with me once he found out. So, rejecting him before he could reject me was a self preservation my brain had come up with.

I'd been fearing things like I did today ever since I could remember. When I was a kid I could just throw a tantrum and get my way of not doing something I was scared of. Maybe that'd been the reason why the diagnosis happened so late on, because I was just a kid throwing a tantrum, there was nothing unusual about that. Back then I couldn't depict this feeling as fear, the only thing I'd known was that it hurt me physically and that it caused this sickening feeling in my tummy. I'd grown up though and I became smarter, being able to figure out that said stomach aches were linked to fear.