Life is Liz (LiL, #1)

Chapter 48: Closer

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So, baby, pull me closer

In the back seat of your Rover

That I know you can't afford

Bite that tattoo on your shoulder  

~Closer, The Chainsmokers

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Relationships.

All of us needed them. Not necessarily romantic relationships, but a deep connection with other human beings in general. Some people were content with living mostly alone, but they still needed friends or family to go through their everyday life smoothly.

Sometimes society wants to tell us what's right and not being in a relationship isn't working for them. Simply having fun with other people is called 'whoring around' and being a single Pringle earns you pitiful looks.

Well, fuck society. This was your life and whatever you wanted to do was your decision. Not a choice made by society or your family, your friends or a therapist. Who is to say what's best for you when you don't know yourself?

Your life, your decision.

I was struggling to wrap my head around all the things that had gone down till now between Sam and myself. I wasn't sure I was regretting my former actions, but there were so many questions running through my head that each night was a battle between sleep and my mind. Sadly, my mind mostly won.

What even were we? Had I the right to call him my boyfriend? However much I wanted to avoid that awkward talk, I needed to chat with him about this. I could only hope that we wanted the same thing, a relationship. I wasn't cut out for something similar to friends with benefits.

This thing with Sam, whatever it was, was probably still a very bad idea, but there was no way I could push him away again. That wouldn't be fair to him, not even when I'd done it all for his benefit. I would have to try to keep it together at all times when around him which meant never letting my guard down in his presence. I wasn't a fool, I knew this was easier said than done. I just had to give my all and not let him see through my wall of glass. Or, even better, turn my exterior into bricks again.

Either way, this was going to be tough.

...

The things you do for the people you care about.

I wasn't stupid I'd read enough, seen enough and had enough of a right mindset to know that my intentions were not healthy for a relationship. Still, I couldn't help but want to protect him from me. Eventually, I would probably open up to him.

Eventually, I would.

But not until I could be 100 % sure that he would try to understand and stay and not be afraid of the person that I was, the real person inside of me. Not until I was sure that he could stand my vulnerability, my way of thinking, my fucked up brain.

Not until I trusted him enough.

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The moments before I'd meet friends or, in this case, Sam, anxiety was my dearest friend, clinging to me every step of the way. My stomach hurt so badly I thought I was gonna be sick and the tightness in my chest was of no help in my fight against nausea.

I was going through all this physical and mental pain just for it to subside again when I opened the door and laid eyes on him. Every time Sam and I would go on a date the first thing he did was to hand me a single red rose. The considerate action made my heart flutter and my cheeks warm on every occasion.