Fame|| g.d

xxiii

Anxiety

To define anxiety is impossible until you actually feel it. No outsider can or will understand what it's like in the mind of an anxious person. There's a voice. And another voice. And another voice. All ready to cut each other. It doesn't end here. It's physical. Heart races, knees give in, stomach feels sick, head feels heavy and light at the same time. It gets worse. The depression kicks in. Reminding you that there is no purpose of living. No one cares about you. You're not worthy. And after it all, one is left with only a single question,

Is death a better option?

~~~~

I ran to the toilet, throwing up for third time since this morning, and I had only woken up an hour ago. After throwing up second time, I didn't have enough strength left to go back to my bed. So I'd decided to rest on the tiled bathroom floor. It was cold, but that only made it relaxing, considering my body seemed to be burning up, even though I didn't have fever.

A tear escaped my eye as I emptied whatever was in my system.

I'm having an anxiety attack.

Why me?

It's ok. You just need to calm yourself down.

I took a deep breath in, before letting all the air out.

Think of something. Something to calm you down.

I took a hard breath in, but it felt like no air was inhaled.

Grayson.

I limply fell on the floor, desperately trying to breathe.

He doesn't love me.

He left me like that.

I rolled to my side and brought my knees close to my chest. Weakly lying on the floor and tears flowed down my face.

He doesn't care.

I shouldn't live anymore.

"Because you really are"

My heart stopped. I blushed even more and closed my eyes since I couldn't look away with Grayson's hand holding my face. Grayson used his other hand too to completely cup me face. I kept my eyes closed. It all seemed like a dream. One which I didn't want to wake up from.

At that moment, I felt safe. I felt happy. The world seemed to stop and all existed in my mind was Grayson. He's all that mattered. I didn't worry bout anything. I couldn't remember anything to worry about. I didn't worry about who could catch us. I didn't worry about Abby's disapproval. I didn't worry about Grayson's reputation. I didn't worry about his fame. He was with me.

I opened my eyes. He was still here. It really wasn't a dream. Tears were on the verge to form in my eyes from pure happiness. And right then, what happened took me by complete surprise.

Grayson placed his lips on mine. At first, I didn't know what to do but I slowly kissed back. Our lips moved in sync and I closed my eyes again, not being able to believe this was actually happening. Grayson pulled away and I almost frowned. I didn't the kiss to end.

The kiss

My first kiss

We actually kissed.

He shifted his hand near my ears and pressed our foreheads together. Grayson closed his eyes but this time I didn't. I looked at him with so much love, I didn't knew I held in. So much care. I could do anything for him.

I opened my eyes. Still lost in the memory my brain decided to replay. I looked at the bathroom counter and stretched my arm completely, holding the sink strongly and pushed my body off the floor.