silence//phan

5

"Dan, what happened to you 3 years ago. Alice wrote to me about you not talking 'because of incidents from 3 years ago'. Would you care to tell me what they were? You're safe in here." She says. It's been 2 weeks since Alice said she would get me a therapist, and here I am.

I can't. I sign to her.
"No, you can. But you won't. There's a difference, Dan." She says. Why is this woman pressuring me so much?

"So, Dan, at least tell me, was it a person, an expirience, or what?" She questions.
All of the above. I sign.

"Who?" She asks. I shake my head no.
"That's all I want to know today. We need you to come out of your shell, whether it's slowly or all at once. If you don't tell me Alice will, but I need to hear it from you." She says.

No. I can't breathe again. Why is she pressuring me!?
"Then tell me what they did. Tell me where it happened. Tell me any detail about it." She says.

I hear screaming, my own, and see the red. I feel the pinpricks of electicity coursing through my veins.

Drowned. I sign with shaky hands.
She writes something down.
"Who was drowned? You?" She asks. I nod.

"Who did it?" She asks.
Him. I sign.
"Who's him?" She asks.
He killed me. I sign.
"Dan, you're not dead. You're right here. Who did it?" She asks.

This sends me into more flashbacks. His distorted face and voice through the water haunting me. His hands bruising me as he pressed my shoulders and face into the freezing water.

He killed me. I sign.
"Dan you're okay. Search deeper into your mind and say who did it." She says.
She won't leave me alone.

"Tell me who did it and our time can be over for today. You can leave if you tell me." She says.
No. I can't. I sign.

"The only way you can get better is if you tell me." She says.
Dad. He did it. I tell her. His face clears as I'm brought back up through the water, but I'm soon shoved back, before I can even catch a breath.

"Your father? He drowned you?" She asks. I focus again on my current situation and nod.
He killed me. I sign. I leave then, not even asking if I can. I'm not going back either.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Alice isn't mad at me for leaving the appointment, but she's disappointed. I can tell.

When I ran out, I hid in the bathroom for an hour because I was so terrified.

Alice said I have to go back in 2 days, and I don't want to. I stay in my room for the remainder of the day.

Alice knocks.
"Dan, Phil is outside. He wants to hang out, do you want me to let him in?" She asks, opening my door a bit. I don't move. I hope she takes it as a no.

But of course, in comes Phil at the time I just want to sit in silence and cry.
"Are you alright?" He asks, sitting on my bed. I shake my head no and bury my face further into my pillow.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks. I shake my head no once again.
"Then let's not talk about it, and cheer you up." He says. I sit up and rub my most likely red and puffy eyes.

"What do you want to do? We could go for ice cream, or order pizza, or both." He says.
Why do both options involve food? I ask.

"Because food is great. What do you wanna do?" He asks.
Anything involving food sounds good to me. I tell him.

He grabs my hand and pulls me out the door and downstairs.
"Alice, is it okay if I take Dan out for food?" He asks.
"Sure, be back by 9:30 though, it's a school night, you know." She says. Phil pulls me out the door and still holds onto my wrist as we walk down the street and into the city.

I try not to notice the warm feeling I'm getting from his touch, but I can't help it. The chilly, early fall air makes me wish I wore a jacket.

It's nearing 6 now, and the sun is going down a bit.
"So, I know this great pizza shop that me and my one friend used to go to. Omg they have the best pizza and so many desserts." He says. He lets go of my wrist, leaving me feeling really cold at first, then he intertwines his fingers with mine.

"Jesus why are your hands so cold?" He asks, rubbing his thumb over my fingers. I shrug, and try to hide the blush blossoming over my face.

Do I like Phil? No. Yes? I don't know. After a bit of walking, we're in the city and he's leading me into this small pizza joint that smells amazing even from outside.

The sign says to seat yourself, so we sit down in a big booth by the window.
"Hello, so I'm Lily and I'll be your- oh my God Phil! You haven't come here in months!" The waitress exclaims. I have no idea who she is.

A look of familiarity and panic crosses Phil's face.
"Hi Lily, it has been a while." He says with a polite smile.
"So how are you? And your family? How is everything?" She asks.

"Good, a lot better since you've probably last heard." He tells her.
"That's good. So who's this?" She asks.
"This is Dan, he just moved here a few weeks ago." Phil says.

"Oh, where are you from?" She asks me. I look at Phil, he nods for me to go ahead and sign.
All over really, I'm a foster kid. I tell her
"Well that must be interesting, what would you two like to drink?" She asks.

"Just a coke for me," he says.
Lemonade please. I tell her.
"I'll have those right out for you." She says.

Before I can even ask, Phil explains.
"She was like a really close family friend for a while." He says. I nod.

I wonder if Phil knows that I know about his mum and sister. He never told me, but he knows that Alice could of. I'll just not bring it up.

Lily brings our drinks to us and asks if we're ready to order. Phil gets us a half cheese half pepperoni large pizza and an order of breadsticks.

Why so much food? I question with a giggle.
"Because, you're upset and I want you to feel better." He says.
I'm not PMSing you know.. food doesn't fix everything.

Just then the breadsticks are placed in front of us and Phil gives me a look.
"So you're saying that these delicious breadsticks won't make you feel better whatsoever?" He says. I was just about to grab one, but I shake my head.

He pulls them away from me and I hit his arm and pull them back to me.
"You sure you're not PMSing?" He asks, laughing a bit at me.
Does it look like I have boobs Phil? I ask. He blushes then.

Soon after that the pizza is sat in the middle of our table and we devour it.
"Are you feeling better now?" He asks. I nod.
"You aren't even ready for the desserts here Danny." He says. I shake my head no.
I'm too full.
"That's what I said my first time here too. Now do you want ice cream or pie or cake?"

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Phil takes me home and I walk in right around 8:45. I'm stuffed, but it was one of the best meals I've ever had.

"Did you have fun?" Alice asks. I nod.
"Wow you're mood has certainly improved. You sure you guys only went and got food? No funny business? I know how these things work-"
No! Oh my god we only went and got food. I sign frantically.

"Then why are you blushing?" She teases.
Because you... you.. leave me alone! I sign before rushing upstairs, still smiling.