Reckless Love

Chapter 10

'24.12.15
Dear diary,
I've been away for a while.. mentally. It's been weeks since I've known about the darkness that lies within Mystic Falls, just when you think you know your small town and the small amount of people in it. Danger at every turn.

I heard him say he loved me! But how could he? How could I? Knowing what I know! Poor Yas poor me! ....poor Damon...'

I'm up all hours finishing the papers I have to hand in the the history deadline or Mr Saltzman will fail me and I really need to pass senior year in order to go to college, yas and Bonnie will kill me if I don't get to college. I just don't want to leave izzy behind. I smile proudly as I finish the endless stupid paper on Mystic Falls founders, apparently this gets us 'hyped' for the founders ball where they hold all kinds of items with the history of our town, absolute porn for Mr Saltzman. I pat izzy and scratch her ears, she licks my hand in response and I turn off my computer.

Checking my social media and taking my usual medication before bed. Snapchats from Matt and Bonnie as they're out clubbing, on a school night? How mischievous! I head to the bathroom to brush my teeth, passing my dad on the landing "night Elena" I reply goodnight and close the bathroom door.
I return to my warm bed and izzy snoring in the space next to me she's too adorable, my phone buzzes catching my attention iMessage.

Damon:
Goodnight Elena, missing you always x

Oh Damon I let out the air I didn't even know I was holding in, I don't know how to respond. 'Goodnight miss you' ... 'goodnight damon' oh what the hell, instead I jump out of bed change my pajamas into some random clothes making sure I have my boots hat and scarf, I grab my coat and decide on a long walk. The snow is melting, it's Christmas Eve and I find myself at the graveyard where my mother lies peacefully safely away from the danger that is Mystic Falls. Using my sleeve I wipe away the slushy snow from the top of her grave stone and it flops into a pile on the ground I trace my fingers over each letter "Loving Mother"
"Merry Christmas mum, wish you were here" I whisper asif she can hear me.
Placing my jacket I have under my coat on the ground beside the sone I put my coat back on and lean against it just watching the night sky, the moon and the stars the odd aeroplane flying above flashing its lights. I grab my phone and post a photo on my Snapchat 'Merry Christmas my angel' with a Christmas tree and an angel emoji and I carry on watching the sky

"Wake up, Lena, hello" I'm awoken, why the hell am I always falling asleep? Medication is an absolute joke.
"It's 4am what are you doing out here?" Jesus Christ Damon, he's absolutely everywhere like a rash! What am I doing out here? Let's think.... it's Christmas Eve, my mother's dead, oh and you're a vampire but I'm totally in love with you but I daren't say so.... shit
"I um, I just came to talk to her, and to um clear my head" clear it of you
"I saw on snapchat but it took me a while to find you" he crouches in front of me so were face to face "what made you come here?" why are you here there and everywhere? "in all honesty I had a text from your friend Bonnie? she seems to think you talk to me more than your friends and she suggested....forced me here" Bonnie? I speak to Bonnie! maybe not about my mother or what's on my mind which is of course that Damon and Stefan are blood suckers? "I get why, Lena I asked you to not tell anybody and I respect that you have not but Bon is still your friend. You need your friends right now even I know that" wow preach much? but i know as per...he is right.

Damon drives me home, we sit in silence even when he's pulled up outside my house "thanks for the lift" I whisper before opening the door of the car "Elena wait" he stops me "I need to tell you, I think Stefan has gone out of town, you're safe now, so I'm thinking of leaving town too" WHY? Stefan's gone? Damon's leaving? "why? you have Zach?" you have me? "Zach and I will keep in touch, but I cannot stay, you live in fear Elena without me here you can feel safe again, you can continue your happy life" my happy life? is this a joke? I leave the car without a word and I head straight to my house and straight to bed, changing my clothes back to my pajamas

'... Dear Diary,

I love Damon.

but he's leaving. Merry Christmas Elena have a great life.'

Christmas morning. my father insists on waking my brother and I with ridiculous Christmas songs and a stupid bell yelling "HO HO HO" as he beats down our bedroom door's. Continue with my happy life... ugh "OKAY" I yell as my father knocks on my door once more, I open the door and I'm met with a flash of light just like every year. My mother used to wake us up every Christmas with the camera flash, the fact my dad has done this I cannot help but smile and still add "daaaad" pretending to be unimpressed, Jeremy and I laugh as dad also does the same to Izzy and she sneezes in reaction. we go downstairs and sit around the tree, Jeremy and I force dad to be the first to open his present. It's a cushion for his favourite chair with a picture of him and mum, he smiles from ear to ear, his eyes fill up and he hugs the both of us. he hands Jeremy and I a box each wrapped in Christmassy ribbon we rip open the lid and we have matching Keys, "outside" he points to the door and were instantly intrigued! Jumping up we run to the door A NEW CAR EACH?! shit this is amazing "your mother and I started saving for these after last Christmas" my dad informs us, my car is white and Jeremy's is red.

I help dad in the kitchen while Jeremy sets the table "for five Jeremy" my dad yells "Zach's coming?" Jeremy yells back "with Damon" shit dad what the hell. I finish what I'm doing and let Izzy out in the yard, she has her Christmas coat on and her new teddy in her mouth. I decide its probably time I get out of my pajams and shower.

the hot water surrounds my body, I tense and then instantly get used to how hot the water is. After the shower I dry off and get dressed, my hair I still slightly damp but I just shove it up in a scruffy bun, I spray on some perfume and find my converse out of the cupboard. There's a light tapping on my bedroom door and its Jeremy holding my laptop. "I borrowed your laptop, but now your friends are trying to get a hold of you via FaceTime" he rolls his eyes passing me my laptop I answer the call and put my laptop on my bed as I continue to fasten my shoes "okay so were still on for the Christmas day meet up at the town square later today?" bonnie squeals. each Christmas day the town comes together late Christmas day and decorates the tree and eats cookies and popcorn and drinks 'punch' while the mayor does a boring speech, but its beautiful how everyone comes together. "absolutely of course I'm still in, meet yous by the food stall as usual" Yas laughs at herself and we all laugh "I cannot wait to see you guys" I smile and so do they "hottie alert" Bonnie snorts as there's a cough behind me, I jump and I'm embarrassed of Bonnies comment "now now BonBon" he laughs "if I could borrow the rather red faced Elena Gilbert from you two fine young ladies that would be grand" I don't speak, get out of my room you're only leaving anyway. "BYE LENA" they both yell and hang up.

"I got you a present" I'm handed a small gift wrapped box "for what reason Damon, for Pity?, For a goodbye gift?" oh I'm angry "I wanted to apologise" he begins talking "well good" I spit back straight away "let me finish! I said I wanted too, but then I realised I'm not sorry."
"You're leaving Damon am I supposed to be okay with that?" ugh Jesus!! "I didn't say you're supposed to be okay with it, I just said I'm not sorry, but do you know what I really am? Selfish, because I make bad choices that hurt you. Yes id rather lie to protect you than admit to myself that I'm nothing but danger for you. Id rather lie right now than still admit I'm bad for you, because that's who I am Elena and I'm not gonna change and there's no apology in the world that encompasses all the reasons that I am wrong for you" well shit! and to think I was sorry??

"FINE then I am not sorry either, I'm not sorry that I met you, I'm not sorry that knowing you has made me question everything, that when depressed you're the one that made me feel most alive, You have been a terrible person, you made all the wrong choices and of all the choices that I have made this will prove to be the worst one, but I am not sorry that I am in love with you. I love you Damon!" I pause and he moves closer to me "I know you think you brought all this bad stuff into my life but my life already had it, I was buried in it"
"Lena this is different"
"it doesn't make it any less painful"
"I know that its hard to understand, but I'm doing this for you"
"no you don't get to make that decision for me, if you walk away its for you because I know what I want, I love you for heavens sake!!!" Damon picks me up, I wrap my legs around his waist and he is smiling up at me exactly like a child on this very Christmas day "shit Elena I love you" he presses his lips against mine like its the first time, I feel something on my face, is he crying? oh Damon, I kiss him harder. please stay "don't leave" I beg "okay"