words: 2.4k
tw: suicide intention/thought/attempt, self harm, referenced eating disorders
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keith's phone rang, waking him. he blinked at the screen telling him it was nearly 3am. he sighed before answering. "hello?"
there was silence on the other end of the line, a sound of distant cars and crashing waves. was this a prank call? just as keith was about to hang up, a voice spoke.
it was so quiet he could barely hear the person. "i-is this the suicide hotline?"
"i'm sorry?" keith frowned. suddenly this felt a lot like something that wasn't a prank.
"the suicide hotline. oh god. did i get the wrong number?"
"i- no. no. what's your name?" keith asked, suddenly sitting up, wide awake. immediately, he began panicking. someone was about to kill themselves and he didn't know what to do.
"lance. my names lance."
"okay, lance, my name is keith. what are you doing right now?" keith wasn't sure what to say. he wasn't trained for this, at all. he was a high school student who merely delivered pizzas on weekends, his only experience with this was from the end of the person attempting suicide.
"i..." lance hesitated, before trying again. "i'm on the edge of a cliff. keith, i'm scared. this is scary. oh god, oh god, what have i done?"
sensing the uprising panic on the other end of the phone, keith began rushing around, pulling his clothes on. "lance, don't move a muscle. i'm going to come and pick you up, okay? can you give me the address of where you are right now?"
lance named out the cliff where he was - and it was only a 15-minute drive. keith shuddered at the thought of what would've happened if he hadn't answered. staying on the line, he climbed into his car and began the short enough drive to where lance was. the whole time, urging lance to tell him about his four sisters, three brothers, one brother-in-law who was expecting a baby with the oldest sister, his grandparents and his mom. keith didn't ask about his dad.
without realising, keith had begun scratching at his wrist as he drove and panicked. no, please don't send him back into a state of depression, he couldn't go through this again. he gripped the wheel to stop himself, willing for the tears to not fall. it would be okay. he would be okay.
soon enough, his car tyres rolled across gravel that was in the parking lot. he got out, clutching his phone and asking lance about his family, looking around and could hear sobs. without hesitation, he ran towards them, and soon saw a figure standing just over the fence set to prevent this exact situation.
"lance?" keith spoke cautiously. he didn't want to scare him into falling off, therefore defeating the purpose of even going to the cliff. slowly, the figures head turned to look at keith. lance's eyes were widened, his body violently shaking as he gripped the rail.
"lance, i need you to listen to me, okay?" keith spoke slowly, waiting for a signal that he was heard before continuing. "grab the fence, slowly. okay, now put your weight back, lean against the fence. yes, like that, right. lift your right foot up and over, then bring your left foot – exactly!" keith guided lance through the step-by-step dance of climbing back over that fence.
"i-i'm sorry..." lance whispered once he had gotten back over the fence. he was still shaking, and his face was wet with tears. "oh god, i fucked up so bad i got some poor stranger to drive out to me at three in the morning to stop me from killing myself, how pathetic can i fucking get? i actually cannot believe myself. i'm so sorry i wasted your time, i'm just a waste of space, i shouldn't have called..." lance began rambling but was silenced as keith pulled him into a hug.
"shut up. i'm glad you called, you are not a waste of space, okay?" keith stared into lance's eyes – which he found beautiful – as he said this. "i want to help you get better."
three months later
lance was happy. at least, that's what he seemed to keith. but keith should've known better. he should've realised all the classes lance skipped weren't him going to therapy, that all the long sleeves weren't because it was mid-november and snow kept falling, that he had been so much more distant lately, that when they hung outside of school he always had dark circles under his eyes, or that his face was wet not because 'he was washing his face to keep it beautiful' but because he had been crying. he should've realised that his now-boyfriend who he thought was happy was on the verge of suicide again.
"keith? where are you going?" shiro, keith's adoptive brother, called out from the kitchen as he heard the young teen coming downstairs. it was nearly 11pm so shiro shouldn't have been surprised at the response he received. "i'm going to lance's house. is it okay if i crash there?" keith asked, pulling his signature red jacket on.
"yeah sure, gives me and allura more alone time." shiro winked. "oh my god, i don't need those images in my head!" keith pulled a face. the older man just ruffled his hair before following him out to the car.
"i'm not letting you drive in this weather, kiddo." shiro rolled his eyes, referring to the rain that continued to pour. keith sighed but moved around to the passenger's seat, pulling out his phone and opening a new message to lance's mom, saying he was on his way. keith had just gotten over the flu, but hadn't been able to see lance due to how serious it had gotten. lance was busy with school too which made keith very proud because lance's attendance wasn't exactly the best, he missed at-least half a week once every fortnight.
his train of thought drifted to how much 'progress' his boyfriend had made. they were on call last night when lance had gone quiet – a sign keith had learned that meant lance was overthinking which got out of hand quickly at times, so keith decided to ask how long it had been since he had harmed himself. it was something he constantly worried about lance doing, it was extremely dangerous and lance had gone overboard once or twice.
keith couldn't stop the smile that broke out on his face when lance told him it had been two weeks. this was the longest in about five months that he had gone without it. keith went on a long rant about how proud he is of lance and that he knows it can only go uphill from there, and just after keith had fallen asleep mid-call, lance broke down into tears because he had just lied to his boyfriend and felt disgusted for doing it.
without realising, the car had stopped outside of lance's house and shiro was kissing the top of his head. "have fun, don't do anything inappropriate."
"shiro! i'm nearly 18, not 8. we haven't done anything either, you know that!" keith groaned as he climbed out of the car, and just as he closed the door he could hear shiro whisper a 'do i?' before driving back the way he came from.
he walked up to the door of the mcclain residence and knocked, hoping someone would open up quickly because fuck he was freezing. luckily, his prayer was answered in the form of the oldest sibling, maria, as she held her new-born baby in one arm, had her phone between her ear and shoulder, and allowed him to step into the heaven that was a warm house.
she nodded her head towards the stairs and smiled before walking off, so keith took that as a sign that lance was upstairs and he waved before heading up. he was excited to see lance again, he had missed his hugs.
he couldn't hear any noise from outside of lance's room, so he figured he was asleep which was okay because keith was feeling a little tired. he opened the door quietly, but immediately his smile dropped. lance was in his bathroom connected to his room with the door open, sitting on the edge of his bath, as water slowly filled up the tub. lance's shoulders were shaking as he dragged a piece of silver metal across his wrist.
"l-lance... what..." keith was stunned. this had to be a nightmare. this wasn't possibly happening, lance was getting better. so why was he seeing scars that were definitely no more than two days old all over his arms?
"keith, w-what are you d-doing here?" lance stuttered, jumping up from his temporary seat, grabbing onto the sink for support. he was lightheaded from blood loss, sleep deprivation, hunger and god knows what else.
"your arm! oh god, lance, why?" keith didn't realise it but he was crying. crying because his boyfriend was in pain and he hadnt seen it. crying because he missed all the signs, believed all the lies, didn't think for one second that hey, maybe this improvements happening too quickly.
almost immediately keith grabbed the first aid kit hung on the wall and sat lance down on the toilet. the only sound to be heard was lance crying, keith wasn't even fully there himself. he was faraway in his mind, tearing himself down for not realising sooner.
he got to work, trying to make sure none of the cuts would get infected, and he couldn't help but choke back a sob when he saw just how many there was. not even an inch of his arms was left untouched. as soon as he bandaged lance's arms, his poor poor arms, keith hesitated.
"will you take your shirt and pants off?" keith asked, a lump rising in his throat. let him be wrong. dear god, just please let him be wrong. however, as soon as he saw lance's face go slightly pale, he knew he was right and he couldn't take it anymore. he backed himself up into a corner, tears flowing from his eyes. he should've known. he should've known lance had other places to hide scars.
lance's legs, hips, shoulders, even his neck. there was scars everywhere. resisting the urge to throw up, keith bandaged every single one – old and new – in the hopes of preventing more from appearing. he didn't feel sick from disgust however, unless disgust at himself for not noticing counted.
the next few minutes for both teenagers passed by in a blur of keith draining the bath of water, flushing the five blades he found around lance's room in places nobody else would've found them, lance feeling numb as he watched his boyfriend act as if this situation was casual and had happened several times; causing one question to form – had it?
keith borrowed a sweater from lance and they climbed into bed together, keith's head resting on lance's chest, listening to his heartbeat. "i'm so glad i found you on time. i love you so much. please don't leave me, i can't lose you. i need you." he repeated these small phrases until it became an inaudible mantra.
"keith?" lance spoke up for the first time after a long silence
"yeah?"
"how did you know where i had other scars, where i hid my blades, how to perfectly bandage up cuts?" lance didn't mean to blurt it out at once, but he did. he waited patiently as keith stayed silent before finally opening up.
"when i was 13, nobody really liked me. i was an outcast who had no family, an easy target. classmates started bullying me, but i didn't care because i had friends. it was only when i was 15 it got to me. i was extremely depressed and before i knew it, had taken to self harm to avoid my suicidal thoughts. i did so much self destructive shit without thinking twice. on my sixteenth birthday, i attempted suicide by overdose. one of the other teens found me and called an ambulance, so i spent my sixteenth birthday in hospital. a bunch of the doctors were assholes to me about it, saying how i'm too young to want to die, too young to really be sad. but there was one doctor, doctor takashi, and he was so nice to me. he let me talk about anything and everything, and before i knew it he signed adoption papers and i had a family. one year later, the bullying continued, and i attempted suicide two more times. allura found me the first time, shiro with dad the second. the looks on their faces, the tears as they saw my scars, that's what made me want to get better. when you called me that night, i had only been clean for three months... but hearing the fact you were about to kill yourself reminded me of myself. i helped myself and i wanted to help you. i still do."
they were now both crying. keith, because of the fact he had never told anyone this story. lance, because he couldn't believe so much had happened and keith was still here, now helping others.
"please, lance, whenever you feel like you're not imporant, tell me. if it wasn't for you, i wouldn't be here. i love you."
"i love you too, keith."
it didn't take long for the two boys to fall asleep after that, they were exhausted. lance had his arms wrapped protectively around keith, scared to let go. he thought back to five months previous, how he contemplated whether or not to make that call to the suicide hotline. for once, lance was glad he had fucked up and called keith, because if he hadn't then he wouldn't be in bed right now with the boy he grew to love more and more as every minute passed. because if he hadn't, keith wouldn't be here and the takashi family would have lost a son. because if he hadn't, then lance would be dead long ago.
keith had tried his hardest to help lance despite his own personal experiences, and lance was going to do the exact same for him, then they would be ok. they have each other.
and for the first time in what felt like forever, lance fell asleep with a smile on his face.
