The Wallflower Effect

Chapter 3: A Worthless Start.

I normally wasn't a violent person, but that alarm clock was asking for it! I knew I was the one that set it for 6:00 in the freaking morning, but did it have to be so loud? I was normally a night owl, but I didn't want go to school with all this extra stress my parents had handed to me last night on a silver platter, only to take all out on Gage. That wouldn't be fair to either of us. Going for a run in the North Carolina mountains at 6:00 in the morning was drastic, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

I knew I needed it. It wasn't that I wasn't pretty enough. In fact, that's the one thing about me I'd grown to be proud and confident of. I glanced briefly at the mirror as I made my way to my closet with Honey at my side. With my long, glossy blonde hair, rare grey eyes, and slim figure, I was beautiful, and I knew it. Didn't mean I liked myself, though. Self-esteem had to do with more that your looks.

My pet German Shepard, Honey, needed a good run as much as I did. It was a win-win situation. So I dragged myself up away from my reflection, the one thing that never disappointed me, changed out of my PJ's into my athletic clothes, laced up my shoes, and got Honey on her leash. As I did my usual stretching routine before my run, Honey whimpered and pawed at my limbs, as eager for the exercise as I was. "Stop it, Honey! We're going soon, I promise, baby girl." This seemed to placate the eager German Shepard, as she quieted down, I settled a few feet away from me as I stretched my hamstrings again. I took one last swig from my water bottle, I grabbed Honey's leash, and I was off.

The unpaved path in the forest was right behind my house, so it wasn't long before I started into a medium pace, Honey right at my side, faithful and patient as always. She was perfect. Just liked I wish I could be, like my parents expected me to be. Sadly, I rarely met my own or my parent's standards. I wasn't particularly special, or smart and witty, or popular, or remarkable in any way. I was a failure. That was my biggest fear, that was the truth about me. The thing I woke up and realized, having to deal with that harsh reality every day of my life, one half of a truth about me that no one knew; that I was absolutely worthless. That I would never make anything of myself.

That was the thought that had my legs pumping at double my original pace, honey racing to stay by my side. I ran like something was chasing me. I was trying to outrun everything in my life that was troubling me. I ran so hard my legs became sore and my legs felt as if they were on fire. The tears running down my face were just as hot. But the pain felt good, in away. The pain helped distract me. I just kept running and running, losing my troubles in the vast forest. I ran so hard that the only thought in my head was the pain, and the freedom that burning pain brought me. When I was running so hard I couldn't breathe, I didn't have the energy or oxygen to think about anything but putting one foot in front of the other.

Eventually, I got to a place where I couldn't feel the salty tears on my face, the burn in my legs and my lungs, I couldn't sense Honey at my side, not even my own failure and worthlessness penetrated the numb, peaceful feeling surrounding me. Just the wind around me. There was no feeling of pain or pleasure or accomplishment some runners said they felt. There was nothing. I was numb. Oblivious to everything. All I knew is that as long as I kept breathing and pumping my legs, I wouldn't feel anything. The pain gave me freedom nothing else would.

Eventually, my legs began to buckle underneath me. My head was foggy from lack of oxygen. I fell to my knees, with quivering legs and lungs that were gasping for air. Honey licked my hands, her own little way of asking; 'Are you okay?'I patted her head, stroking it gently. My own way of saying; 'No. But I will be.' That was filthy lie, but Honey didn't need to know that. 

Neither did my parents, or Gage. Oh, especially not Gage! I wasn't good enough, but oh, how hard I struggled to be every day, berating myself up mentally when I wasn't. I was the socially awkward and painfully introverted girl that came off as being rude and intimidating. I was the girl that pretended to be happy and cheerful when I needed to be. For Gage, mostly. I was nothing but a pretty, worthless ornament. A wallflower. No one knew how miserable and hurt I was. That was the other truth about me absolutely no one knew; I was absolutely worthless, and completely, utterly alone. Even Gage wasn't truly mine. I had no one. 

I couldn't fully let Gage in, not really.  Not in some ways. My parents were important, they saved lives and didn't bother with mine. I didn't make friends easy. I had no one.

I knew it was early enough that not even my doctor parents or Gage would be up, so I'd have plenty of time to come back the way I had been going. But for now, I sat on the trail, struggling to catch my breath, my sweet German Shepard, Honey faithfully at my side, no longer gloriously numb. For now, I allowed myself to openly suffer and think about all of the deep, dark fears and insecurities that plagued my constantly.  I thought about the truth that no one knew about me. That I was worthless, and completely, utterly alone.

You're worthless! My inner voice mocked me. That truth was the real reason I was sitting with my knees to my chest, my arms locked around my knees, sobbing into Honey's fur while she howled softly with me, as if she felt the pain of my own worthlessness as acutely as myself. I knew I had enough time, and I knew I needed to, so I did. I cried and cried, till my eyes were red and I could taste the bitter salt of the tears on my tongue. 'You're alone!' It spoke again. I just sat on in the dirt with Honey, sobbing and crying.

"I'm alone, I'm worthless. I am nothing." I sobbed aloud miserably. The fact that no one answered me only confirmed that was the truth...

*Back at Zoey's house, 7:15 A.M.*

After my run, however depressing it was, had helped me release a lot of pent-up tension. I'd needed it. Sadly, I also needed time to get ready for school. It was 7:15, and school started at 7:30. Honey and I came back five minutes ago, and I'd barely had time to run a brush through my hair, and put on a pair of white denim jeans, brown lace-up boots, and a Beatles t-shirt. Had I know Gage was going to be late, I would've took the time to get in the shower. Gage always drove us to school in his car, but he was late today. Just when I was about to freak out, the doorbell rang. I ran out of my room and skidded to a stop at the door.

"Where have you been?" I demanded, opening the door without so much as a 'hello'. In his plaid dress shirt, jeans, and converse, he was looking extra cute this morning, but I was mad that he was late, so I pushed the thought of his irritating perpetual hotness out of my hormonal teenage brain.

"Someone's snappy this morning!" Gage pouted, scrunching his face into a mocking semblance of pity. It didn't go unnoticed by me that he dodged the question.

"Ugh- we're going to be late if we don't leave right this second, let's just go already, you filthy morning person." I grumbled, grabbing my book bag from the brown leather sofa, giving Honey an affectionate pat on the head goodbye before booking it out the door into Gage's silver Chevy Impala. He was right behind me, hastily jumping in beside me and starting the car.

We rode in a comfortable, friendly silence, like we usually did. Gage usually hummed country songs while I read a book. Today, it seemed that we both just wanted some silence. I wondered why he was late, but I wasn't going to pester him about it. That was the great think about guy friends. No drama. Well, usually. On his side, at least. But guys would have no problem simply coexisting in silence, without any awkward silences or need for conversation, like you'd have with a girl friend. It just wasn't needed. Sometimes I needed a girl to talk to, but most of the time Gage was exactly what I needed. So before I knew it, we were pulling into the parking lot of Asheville High.

"See you later, Zoe. Meet you in the library after 6th period like usual, right?" Gage questioned, his brown eyes alight with that spark of happiness I envied.

"Yeah. See you later, Gage." I answered quietly, giving him a small hug before we went our separate way for classes. We both stepped out of the car, Gage immediately being swarmed by his fellow soccer players, and all their cheerleader girlfriends. He was surrounded by what seemed like countless friends before he was five feet from the car, while absolutely no one wanted to look at me it seemed, much less touch me with a ten foot pole.

And so naturally, I just did what it seemed I did best. I blended in, I quietly disappeared. 

------------------------------------------------------------------

Comments and suggestions are always welcomed!

~Rachael.