The Wallflower Effect

Chapter 21: A Tear A Day.

It had been two weeks. Two very, very long week. It might not sound like a lot, but life seemed to drag a bit when someone you loved died. People whispered about me. Police officers would come by our house and give us news on Jessica's case. However, the latter was appreciated greatly by me. It gave me something to hold on to. Something I could think about. That was easy. Other things weren't so. Things that I liked or that were easy for me became hard. Basic tasks became exhausting. Mustering up energy to make it to school every day was agonizing. As always, Gage Prince was one of the precious few things in life that made me keep going. It was mutually acknowledged between us that the dynamics of our relationship had changed. But the wounds of the night Eathan died were too fresh. 

Gage had as always, been utterly respectful of me, and hadn't even insinuated what might happen when my grief lessened enough to think about dating again. I wouldn't say we were just friends. We were more than that now. Our relationship wasn't romantic yet somehow- we were more intimate. Despite that, he never brought anything up or allowed our relationship to become at all strained. Not once did he ever pressure me or push me for answers. After school we would just go to the woods behind our houses and he would read my comics with me. Sometimes he would mix it up and read the latest popular novels or Jane Austen. During these little readings, we'd sit on a blanket and bring a picnic basket of snacks with us. 

Speaking wasn't as easy for me anymore- what could I say? Most of the time Gage carried on conversations with me only asking me to nod or make some sort of gesture for him to keep going. I appreciated that. Sometimes when a person at school looked at me oddly or when I just got sad, Gage would just hug me till I could breathe again. When he was reading to me and tears fell from my eyes he would reach over and grasp my hand reassuringly. 

Unlike my parents- who were moments away from forcing me to see a therapist, or random strangers who came up and assumed the right to interrogate me about Eathan and tell me what I should do, Gage didn't ever ask me to talk about it. He didn't act as if nothing had changed or I hadn't met him at all, we both knew going back wasn't an option. It never was an option. Going back would be nice, and most days I wish I could go back. I'd never much cared for reality, but I liked the one I was in three months ago far better than this one. Gage didn't seem to struggle as much as I did. He merely handled this new chapter of life with his usual calming grace. I wish I could do that.

So of course I was a bit surprised when on the Saturday following the two week anniversary of Eathan's death, I asked for him to come to his grave with me, and he wasn't at all supportive. We were sitting on the couch in my family's theatre room. My parents were upstairs, preparing to go out to a fancy charity even of some sort.

"Why not, Gage?" I complained. He looked away from me, his brown eyes sad.

"I know what you're thinking. It isn't that I don't want to go. Not at all. I don't think you're ready. Zoey, you can't even speak sometimes. That's how much pain you're in. You were never one to admit when you weren't okay, but I'm worried that it'll hurt you more than it'll help right now." He answered my frustrations calmly. He pulled me into a loose hug and I didn't fight him.

Green Arrow was playing on the large screen in front of us but I could scarcely bear to watch it. I was reminded of a time when I was watching this show in this very house with a very different guy. I flinched at the thought. Okay, perhaps Gage had a point. 

"Okay? How about this? We go, but only this once and I'll only be there five minutes and you can come with me to make sure I'm okay." I offered, forcing a smile on my face. It felt off, as I hadn't smiled genuinely for two weeks. 

"I can live with that." Gage compromised reluctantly. "Just let me ask this. Why do you want to go visit his grave? Do you think it'll bring you peace? What is? Because I think it won't do anything for you except make you relive things you don't need to relive." 

I considered his questions thoughtfully, failing to find a real answer for him. The urge I had to see him somehow, to feel like the most precious thing in all of existence again once more- I couldn't explain those things. The words didn't form in my mind and flow off my tongue like they normally did. 

"Some things... you just know them, Gage." I reckoned. He sighed, blatantly dissatisfied with my cryptic attitude.

"Are you torturing yourself? Do you think that it was your fault? Zoey, everyone knows that it wasn't you." Gage interrogated. I pushed my blonde hair into my face so it obstructed his view of my grey eyes. I couldn't say I didn't feel guilt and despair that Eathan's connection to me had put him in harms way- and that harm had undoubtedly had her way with him.

"It was, Gage, it was. He wouldn't have died if I hadn't gotten him involved." I declared, my eyes not as dry as they should have been.

"No it wasn't. Eathan loved you and he wanted to be there for you. You can't go back and change things, Zoey." Gage informed me with despair.

"No, I guess you're right. Going back isn't an option. Feeling guilt isn't a choice either, some of the blame does rest on me and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. I just need to say I'm sorry to him. I just-" I broke off.

I just want him to not be dead. 

Gage softened, closing his eyes and rested his elbows on his knees, hunching over with a resemblance to a sculpture of some magnificent Greek god. He let out a heavy sigh.

"Fine." He relented. He turned back towards, setting his hands firmly on my shoulder and stared into my eyes intently. "All I ask is that after this you try and be okay. I'm not asking you to be the same as you were. I'm not asking you to not feel what you feel. I know you couldn't do that even if you tried to. Just try to learn how to laugh and smile and enjoy things again. Try and be happy after this, if you can't do it for you or even me, do it for Eathan."

"Sometimes, Gage Prince, I think you know me too well." I confessed, only half-joking. He grinned, the enchanting movement lighting up his face.

"Well, I know that you know me too well. Not many people have had the pleasure of seeing me eat half a pizza while screaming at my science homework, Zoey." He revealed, mockingly earnest.

"That was pretty entertaining, I'll admit." I snickered, nearly laughing. I appreciated Gage's not-so-subtle way of changing the subject to a brighter topic. Of all the memories he could've reminded me of, he picked one of the few that never failed to draw a certain fondness from me. Gage imitated eating something while whining pitifully and I let out a real laugh. It surprised me, but it was nice to laugh again. Gage decided he would join in laughing with me and we giggled till our sides hurt. Or at least I knew mine did. Eventually the humorous mood died down.

"Okay, Zoey, I'll go with you. But we'll do it tomorrow. And I'm coming with you. Got it?" He queried. I nodded, hugging him.

"Thank you, Gage. For everything." I whispered in his ear, my arms around his neck.

"It's my pleasure." He countered, whispering the words in my ear. 

For the rest of the night, we sat on the large black leather couch, a soft blanket covering both of us. I'd switched to watching Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D as it wasn't as traumatic for me. Physically, I was in the room watching episodes with Gage, but mentally... I was in Morgan Steel's library, holding Eathan in my arms as he died. It was almost as if I had never left. Maybe visiting him tomorrow would bring me peace somehow. I hoped so. It seemed pretty much like the only option I had left.

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To be clear, this isn't intended to be the end, not quite yet. Next chapter isn't even going to be a chapter, not really. The epilogue is up next, and hopefully it'll end the book on the bittersweet note I feel like it should. It's been a long time coming, but I'm pretty glad it's here. I hope you enjoyed Zoey's journey as much as I did.