Frerard-Complicated

Chapter 6: Together

Frank: The next day at work, Frank didn't say a word to Gerard. Gerard turned up late, with messed up hair and puffy red eyes, and ran to the back room. Frank felt slightly guilty, but told himself that Gerard was in the wrong, not him. Plus it would go against his stubborn nature to back down. Gerard stayed in the back room all day, only coming out to gather boxes and CDs from the shelves. Despite himself, Frank began to miss the easy conversation he had with Gerard, and the way he could tell him anything. He recalled the way he had shouted at Gerard, all the awful things he called him, and shuddered. There was no reason at all to be that cruel. Gerard hadn't meant any harm. But when Frank got angry, little things such as the consequences of his actions flew from his head. He wanted so badly to apologise but couldn't find the words. So he just avoided the problem altogether, leaving Gerard to sit in the back room.

The day after, Frank stood by the store's semi-broken till, half heartedly scratching a doodle into the cheap wood of the counter. The old door creaked open, and Frank looked up to see his girlfriend Jamia standing awkwardly in the doorway, dressed in a grey hoodie and blue jeans. She saw him and smiled widely: "Hey baby, so this is where you work? Its.....nice" she said, biting her lip. Frank basically jumped over the counter, wrapping his arms round her and giving her a massive kiss, putting as much feeling into it as possible. He knew Gerard could hear, and wanted to show him just how good he and his girlfriend were together. Jamia kissed him back, then said, making a pouty face: "I feel like I haven't seen you in ages. I missed you." Frank tried not to roll his eyes. He hated her pouty face. She thought it looked sexy but in his opinion it just made her look like a fish.

"Well, I've been busy Jamia", he said, "but that doesn't mean I don't love you." Jamia smiled: "Well in that case why don't you come over tomorrow night? My parents are out...." she said suggestively. "You can stay over if you want." Frank grinned. Did this mean that Jamia was finally ready to have sex with him? She had been delaying for months now, not that he had been pushing her particularly hard. But this was what he wanted, wasn't it? I mean, most teenage boys would be leaping at the chance to lose their virginity, especially with someone like her. So he nodded and said: "Sure baby, see you tomorrow." Jamia smiled and they kissed goodbye. He watched her leave, thinking how lucky he was to have found someone like her so early in his life.

He turned round to find Gerard standing frozen in the doorway of the back room, with the strangest expression on his face. He looked as if Frank had stabbed him, and Frank felt a sudden rush of guilt. Gerard's eyes were wide, and he was blinking furiously. Frank realised that he hadn't even spoken to Gerard since he'd stormed out of his house two nights ago. So he decided- purely because he had to spend time in the shop with him, and it was very boring not talking to anyone-to try and make some kind of conversation with him. "So....that was my girlfriend Jamia. Should've probably introduced you but.....um...." Christ this was awkward, thought Frank, staring at his shoes. Gerard was silent for the longest time, before finally replying: "She seems nice." His voice sounded strangled and hoarse, and before Frank could look up at his face he turned and walked into the back room again. Oh shit, thought Frank, why do I always make things worse?

Frank arrived at Jamia's late in the evening. He had meant to come earlier, but  couldn't shake off the little voice in his head that was screaming at him not to do this. So he had gone for a long walk, to try and clear his head, and so was more than three hours late. Jamia lived in a nicer part of town, and her house was far bigger than Franks. Frank walked up to the old green door, newly painted and clean and knocked. Jamia answered almost immediately, and threw her arms around him. "Frank! I thought you weren't going to come!" she mumbled into his shoulder. Then she grabbed his arm and pulled him into the house.

The house was spacious and well decorated, and Jamia pulled him into the kitchen. She was wearing a dressing gown, but her hair was brushed and glossy, and she had a full face of makeup. She was so beautiful, thought Frank.  She grabbed two bottles from the counter top and held them up. "I sneaked these from my parent's cupboards!" she said, grinning widely. "Shall we have some wine?" "Um, sure" said Frank. Anything to make himself feel slightly less nervous. Jamia poured two huge glasses of wine, and downed hers in three massive gulps. "Now Frank," she said "shall we go to bed?" She pulled off her dressing gown slowly. Underneath she was wearing a very short, pink nightdress. She looked up at his face, trying to gauge his reaction. Frank looked at her body in the silky material and tried to feel anything. But his head felt numb, and his body number. However, he could see Jamia staring at him, looking nervous. So, because he didn't think he could manage the appropriate reaction, he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her as hard as he could.

Half an hour later, Frank and Jamia were lying in her parents bed. They were both totally naked and Jamia was lying on top of him. She had drunk rather a lot of wine, but Frank hadn't touched any. He wanted to keep a clear head, and besides he had never liked the sickly white wine that Jamia had offered him. Now Jamia was kissing him, and her hand was moving up his leg again. And just like every time she had done this for the last twenty minutes, nothing was happening. Nothing at all. Frank lay there and tried to think of something, anything at all to try and solve the problem. He thought of Jamia, he thought of other women. But nothing worked. He was growing more and more frustrated and angry with himself. For fucks sake, thought Frank, why can't I even do this?

Jamia looked up at him, smelling strongly of alcohol. "It's okay baby," she said, giggling slightly. Frank sighed, and ignored her. She rested her head on this chest and lay still. He tried to think of what the problem could be: was it the fact he was in Jamia's parents bed? Was it the strong smell of booze? Or was it the recent events at his work? Yes, that's what it was, thought Frank. Gerard thinking of him like that, it had clearly just freaked him out a bit. He lay there and thought of Gerard, of how he had looked at Frank in the shop. This somehow led him to thinking about the way Gerard smiled at him when they talked, and the way his black hair flicked over his eyes when he laughed. And suddenly he found that something was changing. His 'problem' was becoming solved. To experiment, he started to imagine what it would be like to kiss Gerard, to be doing the things he had been doing with Jamia with him. And suddenly his 'problem' was completely non-existent. Jamia stirred on top of him. "Hey" she said sleepily. "that's more like it." She sat up, smiling at him. Then she shifted off him. "I'll go get the condoms." She jumped out of bed and reached on the floor for Frank's T-shirt, which was lying on the wooden floor. Frank lay still. What the hell did this mean? That he could only get to this state when he thought of Gerard. And suddenly Frank knew, and he also knew that there was no point in denying it to himself any longer.

When Jamia came back into the room, Frank's shirt falling to just past her upper thighs, Frank was standing by the side of the bed, dressed in his jeans and shoes. Jamia, unsteady on her feet, leaned against the wall. She smiled uncertinally at him: "Frank, what are you doing?" she slurred. Frank walked over to her and took one of her hands in his. "Jamia, I have to go, and I don't think we should see each other again after this." Jamia looked at him, confused. "But Frank..." Frank shook his head: "Jamia, I love you, I really do but I'm not in love with you. And I never will be. That's why I have to go." Jamia continued to stare at him blankly. Frank stepped forward, kissed Jamia on the cheek and ran out of the room. He ran out of the house, leaving a part of his life behind, and onto the street. His feet took him in the direction he wanted to go without him even having to think about it.

When he reached Gerard's house, all the lights were off. Frank had a second of horror: what if he was out? What if he was too late, and Gerard had moved on? He ran to the door, and banged on it as hard as he could. There was an agonising pause, and then the door began to creak open. Gerard stood in the doorway, eyes emphasised by smudged black eyeliner and dressed in a black shirt and black tight jeans. His jaw dropped when he saw Frank, standing outside shirtless and shivering. "Frank.....what are you doing here? Aren't you meant to be at Jamia's?" Frank forced his teeth to stop chattering, and answered: "I was there, but we broke up. I realised that she wasn't what I wanted after all." Gerard tilted his head: "I see. So what do you want?" And Frank stepped over the doorway, wrapped his arms around Gerard's neck and stretched up so they were face to face. "This" Frank breathed, and kissed him.