Frerard-Complicated

Chapter 9: History

 Frank:

Gerard sat opposite him, biting his lip. Frank knew they had to talk about their pasts eventually, but Gerard looked so scared and crushed. So he got up and started to make coffee and toast, keeping his back to Gerard so he had time to think. When he turned back, handing him a cup of extra-strong coffee, Gerard still looked scared, if a little bit more composed. To try and make it easier he took charge, saying: "If I ask you some questions, will you answer them honestly?" Gerard nodded instantly. "Okay....how many guys have you, you know...been with?" He felt really awkward and uncomfortable asking this question. For fucks sake, he didn't WANT to know the answer to this question. He didn't want to think about Gerard  and anyone else. The very thought made him boil with jealousy. He still wasn't too comfortable with the whole gay thing yet, if he was honest. He had only known for sure he was gay for one night for god's sake! The fact he had come from a strictly Catholic background didn't help. He didn't know how he was going to tell his family about this, let alone how they'd react. He knew he was gay, and attracted to Gerard, but it was still an odd thought, the idea of fancying other guys, besides Gerard. Ugh, he was so confused.

He looked back at Gerard who was answering his question: "Um, I don't exactly know" he muttered, looking down into his coffee cup, looking utterly embarassed. Frank bit his lip. "Okay well... how many relationships have you  been in? Apart from this one." Gerard answered quickly: "Five." Frank's jaw dropped unintentionally. Compared to his paltry one relationship with Jamia, who he'd admittedly been going out with for the last 5 years, that was a lot. Gerard smiled sadly. "The first was when I was 14, so nothing properly happened. The second was when I was 16, and it was a footballer, one of the biggest jocks in our school, Drew. I was sort of a loser at school, especially after I came out, got beaten up every day, and this guy was trying to hide his sexuality. He was very sweet, but so, so scared of who he really was. We were only together for a year, then someone found out, saw us kissing in the guy's toilets, and told everyone. The jocks were furious....one of their own and all that. They beat us up all the time, him especially, until one day I found him passed out in the gym, unconscious and bleeding. They had beaten him so badly, it was.....awful. His parents switched his school after that, so he could make 'a fresh start'. He clearly took it as the chance he needed to reinvent his sexuality too." He laughed bitterly. "I saw him a few years ago. He was with a girl, and he pretended not to know who I was." He took a sip of coffee. "Ah well, fuck him."

Frank smiled sympathetically at Gerard. He could see how that would've hurt, to have your first love reject you so utterly and completely. Gerard looked away from him, and spoke again: "The third and fourth were just casual things, ya know? Just nice, normal guys. We had fun, and things came to a natural end. I never felt anything beyond lust and good friendship for them really." Frank looked at Gerard. God he was freaked out. How could he ever compare to a frickin' jock footballer? And was he, like numbers 3 and 4, lust and friendship, but never anything else in Gerard's eyes? Gerard lifted his eyes to meet Frank's. "Frank, you are more than that. So much more, already. Trust me, if that was all you were, I'd have done what I usually do and rushed things. But I want a proper relationship this time." He put his hand over Frank's and left it there, leaving Frank wondering how Gerard could see right into his head.

Then Gerard ducked his head. He winced and tears sprung to his eyes. "So, at this point, it had just been the 3 guys?" Frank asked. Gerard nodded."The fith guy....well he was different. I was 18, your age, and he was a bit older. I was pretty naiive, but also arrogant. I thought no one could ever hurt me, that I was unstoppable. I was gonna be a comic artist, I had all these ideas....He was so nice to me at first. His name was George, and we met at a concert. I fell for him that first night, the first time he looked at me. I couldn't believe someone like him would even notice someone like me. We were together for two years ago. Things were good, so so good." He closed his eyes, and smiled, clearly remembering this amazing George guy, who Frank had quickly developed an instant and passionate hatred of.

"But things were always difficult....he was very into drugs, dealt too, and he got me pretty heavily into them as well. I nearly had to drop out of art school, but by some miracle, I passed the exams. But because of the drugs, George started to change. He was intense at the best of times, but he started to get really aggressive. He....well, he wasn't very nice to me. At all." Frank looked up, furious. "He hurt you?" he demanded. Gerard nodded. "Then one day, he just...left. We had a huge fight, and he packed up his shit, threw a chair at me and went." He paused, and laughed at Frank, who looked horrified and furious. "I haven't seen him for two years. When he was gone, I got very depressed. Low self worth and all that...although I guess the huge stash of drugs he forgot about and left in my room didn't help. I started going to random bars, and just picking guys up every night Any guy, literally, anyone who was interested. I'm not proud of that...at all. Believe me, I got quite a reputation.  You saw how even my own brother talks to me, right? He's furious at me, as my crappy behaviour started to get him picked on at school. It got even worse after one of his schoolmates went to a bar, and saw me making out with Mikey's class teachers, who was married. Mikey left home for a while after that, and didn't talk to me for weeks." He was now deliberately avoididng Frank's gaze.

"This went on till about two months ago, when my parents got sick of me hauling random guys home and then spending the next day crying in my bed. They took me to the doctors, got me antidepressants and banned me from going out at nights. Then I met you, and things are better than they have been in years" He smiled at Frank, his eyes lighting up. Frank couldn't bring himself to look at Gerard, not yet. He couldn't deal with the amount of pain Gerard had been through. He wanted to kill George. How dare he hurt him? And those guys at the bars....they were sick, taking advantage of someone so much younger, and drunk at that. "Frank....Frank I'm sorry. I know you must hate me right now and I understand if you don't want to be with me. Believe me, I disgust myself." Gerard said, very softly.

Frank looked at him, astounded. How could he think that Frank could hate him? Then he stood up, walking round the table and pulling Gerard off his chair. "Gerard Way, listen to me. I could NEVER hate you. And of course I still want to be with you, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Don't you EVER blame yourself for the shitty actions of others. It's them who should be ashamed, not you." Gerard stared at him, then burst into tears. Frank held him close. "And I'm going to kill George, the fuckin' chair throwing bastard" Frank snarled, making Gerard laugh through his tears. Frank started to laugh as well, and they both laughed harder and harder, until they couldn't breathe, not laughing at Frank's words anymore, just at how happy they both found themselves. They were still laughing, leaning on the kitchen table to stay upright, when Mikey walked in, holding his head and groaning. Frank and Gerard took one look at him, with his hair all sticking up and wonky and cracked glasses, and laughed even harder. "Fuck this shit", Mikey muttered, going back to his room, and leaving the two of them to laugh until they cried again.