Laborious Devotion (Kellic)

Chapter 9

"He never told the family about this. I mean as in like him being uh, gay." Mike.

"He never straight up told me he was, he kind of hinted it hear and there but I kind of assumed once we started getting... closer." Kellin said.

"I haven't seen him have a panic attack this bad in awhile. Usually he can calm himself down but I don't think he could this time."

"I hate seeing him like this. I wish he could get better. I tried to convince him countless times to take his medicine but he told me he hates feeling like a walking pill bottle. I've told him that taking pills isn't a bad thing but he just doesn't listen."

"I haven't really noticed. I feel kind of bad because everyone in the house treats him like shit and me ignoring him doesn't help. I just feel like he doesn't even want to be around me at this point. He's never sober when he's home because I can tell he can't handle any of us."

Kellin and Mike continue to talk and I start to stir around to signify that I'm waking up. They stop talking and Mike leaves the room and Kellin comes over to me. He lightly trails his fingertips across my face and waits for me to wake up. I can't lie that that's the best feeling ever. It makes me feel so good being soothed by him. I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was resting his chin on his hand and was looking at me. He smiled at me as I opened my eyes.

"How are you feeling?" He asked. I shrugged my shoulders in response.

"Can we talk about it?"

"I guess so." I said.

"So, what caused it?" I told him what happened with Mike.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you had to feel like that. But why didn't you come up to me? I could have helped you instead of you hurting yourself."

"Because I didn't want you to see me like that. I just don't want to be a bother like that."

"But that's not the case at all. Vic I'm here for you no matter what, you know that. If we're being honest you're basically the only thing I care about because I don't really have anyone else and you're the closest thing to me."

"I'm sorry I hurt myself I just had to let that anxiety out."

"I understand. Just please talk to me next time you feel that way."

"Kellin?"

"Yeah?"

"What are we?" He bit his lip in thought and looked at me.

"What do you want us to be?"

"I.. I don't know. I mean it would be pretty cool if you were to maybe like, be with me? I don't know I sound so dumb." My face turned as hot as the sun. He laughed and put leaned the side of his forehead against his palm and looked at me.

"Say no more." He said quietly. I pulled the covers off of me and sat up. Kellin was kneeling on the floor and I scooted to the end of the bed. I leaned over and put my hands on the side of his face and kissed him. I forgot how great it felt to feel is lips against mine. I pulled away and put my forehead against his.

"I hope you don't regret me." I whispered.

"Never in a million years." He tilted his head up and connected his lips with mine once again. After a few minutes of sitting with him I got up and decided to take a shower. When I walked into the bathroom I noticed that everything was picked up and the floor was wiped up. I felt terrible for making one of them do that. I shook it off and turned on the shower. I waited for it to heat up and i stepped into the hot stream of water. I had to make sure to keep my leg out of the water so it wouldn't sting. I let the water run down my body and let my body relax. I sighed and started to wash my hair. I finished my shower pretty quickly. I got out and dried myself off. I wrapped a towel loosely around my waste and walked back into my room. Kellin was laying on my bed watching YouTube and petting my cat. I turned around and shut the door and Kellin paused his show.

"Watcha watchin?" I asked.

"Conspiracy theories."

"Wow, why am I not surprised."

"Hey did you know that Bill Nye actually isn't a science guy? He's literally just an actor and only has a degree in engineering or something. I've been lied to! And to think I still sing to his theme song."

"Here we go." I joked.
"Shut up." He said back. I dug through my dresser to find clean clothes to wear and I felt Kellin come up behind me and hug me.

"You smell like flowers. I'd assume you would have some manly axe stuff."

"I ran out of body was I had to use my mom's don't bully me." He let go and sat back down on the bed and continued what he was watching while I got dressed. I brushed through my hair and went back over to my bed. I crawled up next to Kellin and laid behind him and watched his conspiracy theories with him, occasionally getting an "Oh my god", or "my life is a lie", or "what the hell". He believes everything he sees in those videos. You could make a conspiracy video that says cats are just an illusion and he would believe it.
I closed my eyes and relaxed against Kellin. Lately, he's become my life line and I already know relying on him to always be there is a bad thing. Last time I did that it got shoved back into my face.

Starting to do drugs kind of had a negative impact on me. It's fun, but I can't go long with out something. I'm not addicted to anything, but in a way I'm kind of mentally addicted to smoking. I hate being sober.

"Hey, I'll be right back." I said quietly.
"Okay, hurry back." I slid out of bed and went out of my room. I clicked my door shut and started walking down the hallway. My house was completely silent so I assumed nobody was home. I walked down to my basement and flipped the light on. I went over to where I keep my things and grabbed some weed out and my bong. I sat down on the couch and quickly smoked what I had and put the stuff away. I picked up the trash that was left downstairs and headed back up to my room. Kellin was on the phone with someone when I walked in there. He saw me walk in and hung up a minute later.

"Hey, I have to go my mom needs me home. Are you okay alone?" That's another reason why I didn't want him to see that earlier, now he's going to act like i'm a child.

"Yes mom I'll be fine." I said sarcastically. He let out a fake laugh and grabbed his stuff. He walked over to me and hugged me goodbye.

"Text me later." I said.
"Will do scooby doo."
"Never say that again." He stuck his tongue out and left my house.

I sighed and sat on bed. What am I going to do now? I looked around my room and my eyes fell onto my song book. I got up and grabbed it and sat back down. I opened to the page where I left off. I grabbed my guitar and started strumming some notes.

"Crash over your body as you drown on me"- No, I thought to myself. That doesn't sound right. Splash. That's word.
"Splash over your body as you drown on me/ You ain't seen nothing yet./ Enter the galaxy of our sober demise/ to the young and without type."

I realize some of this song is coming from my feelings with Kellin. I put my songbook back on my desk and lay my guitar on my bed. It's exhausting to do anymore. I laid down on my bed and looked up at my ceiling. Being alone is good, but sometimes it's just too... lonely. I reached down and ran my hand over my thigh on my self infliction from earlier. I forgot how good it felt to do it. I know Kellin hates when I do and I wouldn't' blame him, but it just feels good. I need to stop thinking before I do something dumb. I reached over into my drawer and took out valume. I swallowed the pill and laid back in bed and let my mind and body relax. I closed my eyes and let my mind wander and take me into a much needed sleep.