head mess | poetry

| 3-28-17 9:02 pm |

my beautiful lovewingbell, nobody knows who you are. and to think you want to die makes me want to cry.

because i know you, i have seen you, i have touched you, i have held you, i have kissed you. and my beautiful lovewingbell, i am falling in love with you.

if you leave me tonight i will not forget you tomorrow. if you leave me tonight, i will not forget you this year. if you leave me tonight, i will not forget you ever.

you are a force not to be reckoned with, but to be held gently and to be remembered. if you let me hold you i will remember you.

tonight is the night i thought you would take your life. it is not the first night i have had this thought. i have reached out to you, you will not respond, i am sitting in my closet, dropping crystals from my eyes. thinking that maybe you are already dead.

my beautiful lovewingbell, i write these words for you. come to me, please tell me you can still hear me. i will hold you, i will love you.

and the moment you talk to me, you lie.

my beautiful lovewingbell. i see right through you, you're transparent. am i of no help to you? you say that you are alone and that you have nothing, am i nothing? am i no one?

it is okay, lovewingbell, everything is okay. i know that you will be the one to never read this even though you are the one it is ultimately directed to. and that is fine by me. i would rather write it, knowing it was out there in the open, than you see it with your pretty green eyes and confront me.

not everyone likes you. and that is okay too. though you don't think it is okay. but believe me it is. it only matters if the people you love, love you back. and baby i am trying my hardest to love you back. is it working? can you tell yet?

oh my god lovewingbell, you will never ever know the impact you've made upon me. the craters you have created inside my heart. the caverns and tunnels that you dug, now running through my mind. they are so deep, only filled with thoughts of you .

jesus christ, lovewingbell.
what are you doing to me?

i need sleep. i think you do too. lovewingbell if you ever happen to read this; don't tell me. i don't want to know. read it and apply it. know that this is true. because i will not say it to your face.
at least not now.

lovewingbell i am in love with you.

[r.k.]