Diary Of The Drowning

Freaking Dysphoria

I don't know why I'm typing this here instead of talking to my girlfriend or my best friend. I just feel like I've talked about this way too much, like I'll somehow annoy them with my problems. I always feel like that. I'm sure they'll read this and try to tell me otherwise, and I know I'm not a horrible bother, but my depression and anxiety make me feel that way. And right now, they are worse than they have been in a long time.
It's because of my dysphoria. Last week I was at a point where I wanted to pack my bags and run far far away. Now I see the futility in even that. No matter how far I run I can never get away from the things that make me feel trapped. And that's what it feels like.
It's not that I'm trapped in my body, it's more like I'm shut out of my own life. Like I'm watching it all go by from the outside.
I've receded away from myself so that I no longer have to be that person. I no longer have to be Hannah (just typing it feels wrong). I no longer have to be their little girl.
Because that's not me. This body can't be mine, because I'm someone else.
But I feel so torn, because every day I'm crushed more and more. It's like the ceiling is getting closer and closer and it's hard to even breathe.
In my mind I keep repeating "there's no way out" over and over and over again.
Nobody, besides my friends, is ever going to accept me. I'm a freak. If my parents found out, it would be a one way ticket to conversion therapy. I would be a male version of Leelah Alcorn (ironically, she lived in the county that borders mine).
I can't even leave to find a new adventure, because in the end, I'll always have to come back. Back to the close minded religious world of rural Ohio. Back to the parents who give me the most self doubt but have the best intentions. Back to the place that makes me want to die.
Because, after all, there's always Thanksgiving and Christmas and every other holiday my parents will want me to spend with them.
That means no transition. Not unless I want to lose them. But of course, I don't think I'll be able to manage very long without transitioning, so it's pointless. Everything is so pointless.
And of course, I read too much. So I'm subjected to the sort of dysphoria advice put out by sites like Autostraddle and the like (https://www.autostraddle.com/radical-self-care-25-ways-of-making-my-body-dysphoria-smaller-and-quieter-146649/). I think I'm going to make that rant a separate post. Thank you for reading.