The Unexpected Journey-A Prince Harry Fan Fic

Chapter 134

Maddie had always been fascinated by the grieving process; all of the intricacies, the ways in which it manifested itself. Perhaps it was because of her own significant experiences with grieving; her father even before he had passed, the people she had met and lost in Bendal, the children. Maybe it was the undergraduate course she took on death and dying and the way the Professor had taught the class; drawing them in and really making them get it.

He had explained how grief carried with people throughout their lives, how when people experienced loss they dealt with it to the best of their ability at the stage they were in at that point, with the available resources. And then it carried. His example had been of a five year old child losing a parent. That child would grieve for that parent up to the capacity of a five year old child; that the grief would look different than that of the same child losing a parent at twenty. But that same child who lost a parent at five would then grow up, go through life and then, if at thirteen that child lost a pet, when that child grieved for that new loss, that child would also play "catch up" with his grief—handling the death of the pet AND the death of his parent at five up to the level of a thirteen year old.

And that grief would look different. And that grief would carry. Then again, if that child lost a grandparent at seventeen, he would handle the grief for the grandparent and play catch up with the grief for the pet and the grief for the parent.

The point of it all was; people manage grief as best they can with what they have. And then it carries.

And as she sat, perched on the edge of the small loveseat, waiting for Harry to step from their room at the place they were staying in Bendal, she could feel her grief catching up. She could feel her body and her mind managing it as best she could with the resources she had.

Today was Khenda's funeral. Today was her service. Today was the end of three of the longest days Maddie had lived in quite some time. They were all there in Bendal; Collins and Isaiah, Ella and Bishop, she and Harry. Even Will; who had known Khenda, just like Harry. They were all there and they were nearly all dressed and soon, due to the expressed wishes of their dear, dear friend, they would be traveling to the edge of the world; to the ocean that sat just outside of Bendal and they would be putting Khenda's ashes to sea. They would be putting her soul to peace.

Maddie's eyes welled with tears as she looked down at her hands clasped together in her lap; the soft milky skin of her fingers against the stark black of her skirt and it all seemed to blur. Her grief was catching up. Khenda. Her father. Geru. Mante.

The door to their room opened and her head turned to the sound as Harry stepped out. She wiped at her eyes and took him in; black suit, hallow eyes, and the kind of sadness that took home on his face in a way that spoke of depth and permanence. Maddie took a deep breath and rose to her feet, trying to calm the sobs that held just at her throat, wanting to be there for him, for Collins, for Isaiah.

"Are you ready?" She whispered, her hands sweeping across his shoulders, smoothing over his tie. Without a word, Harry gulped and nodded and reached for his sunglasses. And her heart twisted in her chest.

His grief was catching up too. It had been since that night they had arrived in Paris, since they sat on the balcony with Collins until the sun came up; all three of them on floor. Maddie sitting in between the two men her hand holding onto Collins, keeping him from the rubble just as he had kept her in the past. Since they watched little Isaiah bound into the living room with his nanny close behind. Since they watched Collins take him aside to tell him.

Another motherless boy.

Harry took her hand in his as they walked towards the door. The others were waiting for them and they needed to be on their way. And as he held tight to her fingers, as he grasped onto the anchor he was finding in her, Maddie knew. Harry wasn't just grieving for Khenda, he was grieving for his mother. He had been carrying around the weight of it all, the aching sadness of it all, since he had watched Isaiah learn the news.

Grief was catching up with all of them today.

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The service was beautiful, it really was. But Maddie wouldn't have expected less. Honoring Khenda's life was easy; remembering her joy and her passion and the great love that exuded from her was easy. It was the realization that she was no longer there to offer it that made it nearly unbearable.

Maddie tried her best to stay collected. She had realized long ago that part of her make up included this instinctual drive to take care of those around her; to serve others. Surely that's what had led her down her particular career path. Certainly that helped her adjust to her new life of royal duty. And as she sat there that cool morning between Harry and Collins, that part of her couldn't have been more prevalent. She held tight to Harry's hand as Collins delivered the eulogy; speaking about Khenda in a way that left everyone there a weepy, blubbery mess. She let Collins hold onto her hand as Harry rose to his feet to pay tribute to the work and service that Khenda had poured herself into, as he spoke of her legacies; that with the people of Bendal and that with Isaiah. Little Isaiah who at two had very little understanding of what was happening but was perceptive enough to know that it was solemn, that it was final.

And then they all rose to their feet and walked to the water. As Bendal dancers performed and traditional music played out, Collins set her ashes adrift and Isaiah, tucked tight into Maddie's arms, waved good-bye.

And Maddie wasn't sure if she would ever stop crying.

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After the service, the group made their way back to the heart of Bendal. As was tradition with the community, there would be a large celebration of life; plenty of food, dancing, music. Maddie couldn't help but smile at the way the community took care of their own. Khenda and Collins had been away from Bendal for some time, but the second their family stepped back on the rich, red soil, Collins and Isaiah had been embraced and looked after.

And though there was sadness underlying everything around them, there were drops of bittersweet throughout the day. Watching Isaiah play with the local children, in this place that both of his parents helped to build, was endearing and sweet and it made Maddie smile even through the permanent state of grief. They weren't the only ones who were welcomed back and embraced. Many of the locals remembered Maddie, knew her from before, and they were thrilled to see her again—even under these sad circumstances. And she would be lying if she said their small smiles and big hugs didn't go great lengths to easing the heartache she felt.

She did her best to play a de-facto hostess; looking after Collins, keeping track of Isaiah. She tried to make sure that Khenda's family, Collins' family who had travelled from France felt welcome; felt at ease. She sat with Ella for a while well Bishop walked with Harry and Will. And she watched her husband; studied his face. And she knew. Though he kept a strong face, though he nodded and offered smiles, though he truly did find a delight in the children swarming around Maddie and Ella and taking Isaiah under their wings; he was barely hanging in there. She could tell.

So when she glanced up a little later, from her spot next to Ella where they watched the kids run through the gardens, and saw that he was gone, she felt her worry for him pulse through her veins. She looked around, searching for signs of him. Will was just across the way, talking with the current head of the Community Center, she assumed continuing the conversation about the slowness in rebuilding that had started earlier. But Harry wasn't with them. Her eyes squinted at the sun as she scanned the crowd again; no spikes of red hair to be found, no hint of his security detail.

"You okay Maddie?" Ella nudged her lightly.

"I..." Maddie turned to her friend. "I can't seem to find Harry. Have you seen him?"

"No," Ella shook her head, looking out at the group. "Do you want me to wave Bishop over and have him go look?"

"No," Maddie smiled and squeezed her best friend's hand. "Will you be okay if I go look for him?"

"Of course," Ella nodded, squeezing her hand back. "I'll be fine. You going to be okay?"

"Yeah," Maddie nodded. "After I find him, I'll be fine."

It didn't take her long to find him. She honestly should have guessed. She only walked for a few minutes before she saw Jim standing across the way, inconspicuously standing guard to the main garden, just outside the greenhouse. She should have known; Harry would return to the spaces where he had stood with Khenda. With a swallow and a heavy blink, she moved towards him, remembering the night they had been there, the night they had danced and celebrated with the local people, with Khenda and Collins—the night they had first started this journey of them. She should have known Harry would find solace in one of these spaces that held history for him.

Her heels crunched at the gravel path and Jim looked up, offering a small nod to her as she walked past him. She glanced around the space, around the gardens, in through the glass walls of the greenhouse and she spotted him; off on a back porch from the building, standing at the edge looking out and away. She was slow in her approach, not wanting to startle of him. She could see the moment he knew she was there, the moment he sensed her. His head bowed and his shoulders sagged.

"Can I join you?" Maddie called out to him from where she stood; giving him space, giving him time. She heard him sniff, watched him nod and then she stepped forward; moving to stand next to him at the railing. Her fingers ran warm and loving over his that were wrapped around the metal of the rail; his knuckles white from his grip. "Harry..."

"You know..." He started, the muscles in his arm flexing as he worked it out in his head; in his heart. "She just...she knew my mother."

"I know," Maddie nodded, tears beginning to pull up again. "I know she did." Her hand moved around to his back, her head tipping against his bicep as she leaned into him just so.

"She knew the part of my mother that not a lot of people knew; the part that wasn't part of the drama, the part..." He sniffed and turned his eyes away from her, out over the land, over the distance. "She knew a part that not a lot of people knew, that not a lot of people saw...the part that I want to remember." His voice cracked as his emotions surged again.

"Oh baby," Maddie's heart ached as the tears took over her eyes.

"Khenda helped me remember that part of her. She helped me stay connected to that part of her and then..." He shook his head, his fingers leaving the railing to smudge at the tears on his cheeks. "Then she gave me you."

"Harry..." Maddie's voice cracked as his face fell into his hands.

"I don't know that I ever thanked her for any of those things. I don't know that I told her how much it meant that she loved my mother and that she loved you and..." And then Harry's words ceased and his tears took over and all Maddie could do was hold him and let him cry. So she pulled him to her and wrapped her arms around him and held the space for him to grieve.

"You know that Khenda loved you Harry..." She kissed the top of his head. "She loved you so much and she was so proud of you and all of the work you've done and..."

"Stop," he exhaled, trying to catch his breath, trying to control his tears.

"She was. She was. I could tell. I could see it in the way she looked at you, the way she spoke to you and about you and..."

"Stop," he shook his head, her words hitting home more than she knew.

"And though I didn't know her, I know your mother would be too. Harry..."

"Stop!" He yelled, pulling his head from the crook of her neck. "I'm sorry," he softened instantly, seeing her sadness, seeing her tears. "I'm sorry. I just...I..."

"I know," Maddie cried. "I know."

"I'm sorry..." He shook his head as the tears slipped freely from his cheeks and then he moved, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her in. His arms were strong and tight and he couldn't let her go; he needed her, all of her. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm..." His voice gave out to the tears and he held onto her as they both cried; again.

"I promise I'll remember her with you Harry," Maddie whispered against the skin of his cheek where she was pressed. "I'll remember her with you and you...you can tell me all about the parts of your mother that Khenda knew. I'll love all of those parts of her...all of those parts of you." She kissed his cheek as his hands tightened on her back, pressing her even closer. "I love you Harry...all of you." She sniffed. "I do. I love you so much and I promise you I won't ever let you forget those parts...I swear it. I swear it."

"I love you too," his breath was hot against her skin, against her hair. "Oh baby, I love you too..." She could feel him move in her arms, pulling back enough so he could kiss her cheek. And then his hands slid up her body to her face, cupping her cheeks in the palms of his hands and turning those wide, watery blue eyes to her with so much depth, so much emotion, it almost took her down. "Being here in Bendal is just...a lot." His thumbs smoothed at her skin. "My mother was here..." He gulped. "Khenda was here. And you...God Maddie, you were here." He blinked a few times and leaned his lips to hers. "You're the only one I have left." He kissed her again. "The only one...Madeline, promise me you won't go."

"Harry..." She started, but he cut her off; his lips pressing against hers again.

"Promise me you won't go," he spoke between hot, feverish kisses; his hands sliding back down around her waist and pressing her to him. "You have to stay, Madeline. You have to..." He kissed her again and again and the kisses that began in a shared sorrow, in the seeking of solace, soon moved to something else entirely. Something hotter, something more passionate; something that took them both over.

"Harry," Maddie gasped as his mouth moved over hers, as he began to walk her backwards towards the wall of the greenhouse. She had a brief, fleeting, blip of a thought that maybe she should slow him down, maybe she should push him away. They were in public, they had just been at a funeral. But that thought was tossed aside when his tongue slipped into her mouth and his hand reached for the handle to the door.

"Promise me Maddie," he groaned into her mouth as they moved inside; the door clicking behind them. "Promise me you won't go."

"Harry..." Maddie moaned, her arms wrapping up around his neck.

"Say it," he demanded as he moved her back against a long table in the middle of the room where pots sat off to the side with gardening tools and gloves and things that he really never took notice of as he pressed against her.

"I promise," Maddie spoke against his lips; her heart pounding in her chest, right along with his. "I promise. I won't go Harry. I promise..." And Harry, hot and needy, and so desperate for her, closed his mouth over her words and moved his hands over her body. His hands were firm as they slid; one up and rough over her breast, one down and quick under her skirt.

"Oh!" Maddie called out into the room when his fingers slid up her stocking to the bare flesh above the lace tops. "Harry..."

"I need you," his hand moved higher, straight to her wet, warm center and he groaned. "I need you Maddie. Maddie..." His lips pulled from hers and he opened his eyes, needing her consent, not wanting to just take her—wanting her to come with him; to tell him it was okay. "Can I have you? Can I...oh God. Can I have you? Here and now and..."

"Yes," she nodded, her eyes tearing at all the emotion inside of her. "Yes Harry. Please..."

And that was all he needed. His hand slid higher, his fingers sweeping over the lace of her panties before he pulled his hand out from her skirt and moved to her waist. Maddie held tight to his shoulders as he lifted her off the ground up to the table behind her. Her hands tugged at his belt, his button, his zipper. His pulled off her panties and hiked up her skirt and Maddie widened her legs and brought him to her. And he went; pushing deep and strong, all the way into her.

It was hot and fast and full of the desperate kind of want they both felt. He needed her; so much. And she needed him too, all of him. It didn't take much to push them both to the end; a few long, steady strokes, some hot, strong kisses and a tangle of heavy pants and Harry was exploding within her as she exploded around him.

And when it was over, when he was leaning into her as she sat perched on the table, when she was wrapped up around him pulling in deep breaths, they both felt just a bit lighter and their lips pulled up just a bit higher.

"Are you okay?" He looked her over as he slipped from her; adjusting his clothing before turning all attentions to her. "I didn't hurt you or..."

"No," she cut in; soft and sweet as she wiped at the lipstick smudge on his mouth. "You didn't hurt me. I..." She took in a breath and let it out; slow and shuddery. "I'm okay."

"Yeah?" His hands moved to her face, holding her carefully; his eyes searching.

"Yes," she nodded, turning to press a kiss to his palm before she took his hands and hopped from the table and slipped her clothing back into place. As she looked around a small giggle escaped her lips and brought a smile from her husband.

"What's so funny?" He took her hand in his as they moved towards the door.

"It's just...the greenhouse," she grinned. "I guess we owed it one good go, no?"

"Ha!" Harry laughed; his head tossing back in a smile for the first time in days. "I suppose we did."

"Are you going to be okay?" She hugged his arm as he pulled open the door.

"I think so," he nodded, his smile fading just a bit. "You?"

"Eventually," she sniffed back the sadness that washed forward as they both remembered. "Come on Wales..." She tugged at his arm, pulling him through the door of the greenhouse. "Are you ready to get back to the others?"

"Yeah," he sighed, looking out around him for a moment before turning back to her. "I'm ready."

Their walk back to the group was slow. They took their time, they held tight to each other and when they finally made it back, the party had dissipated a bit; leaving their friends sitting around a large table, pushing around the remainder of the refreshments and biding time until they were to leave.

"Well look at that," Ella was the first to spot them, smiling up at them with tired eyes. "You found him."

"I did," Maddie nodded, holding onto his hand as they rejoined the group at the table.

"And where were you?" Bishop looked up.

"Oh you know," Harry allowed a crack of a smile and a wink. "Making babies." The table rumbled in laughter and William groaned.

"Well this is the perfect place for it," Collins offered, tucking a sleeping Isaiah closer to his chest. "A wonderful baby girl...with kinky black hair and a deep love for Africa."

"Exactly," Harry met Collins' eyes and tipped his newly acquired bottle of beer to him.

"Well maybe not the kinky black hair," Maddie smiled as she watched the exchange between the two of them. "I would probably get into some trouble for that."

"Probably," Harry agreed.

And as the light rumble of laughter made its way around the table again, they all slipped into a contented silence; remembering Khenda and the love they all held for each other. And, for the moment, Maddie felt her sadness slip away from her. They could all keep Khenda's memory within them, among them. They could do that together.

It wasn't until later, three hours into the flight home, on Bishop's plane, when she slipped into the bathroom and made the discovery that would bring all of her emotions to the surface. They had been so busy for the last three day that neither of them had stopped to think about it, neither of them had paused to notice. But there it was, the undeniable answer to the question they had been too caught up to ask. Maddie had been three days late. But she wouldn't be four. She wasn't pregnant.

And everything washed over her; the death of Khenda, the memories of her father, the absence of Harry's mother, the pain and sorrow and upset she had pushed off in order to make it through and now—the loss of something that had never really been hers to begin with.

When she stepped out of the bathroom and returned to her seat, she looked to her husband and when he sent up a small smile, she fell apart. And he didn't know why, he wouldn't know why until they made it home and she finally told him, but it didn't matter. He took her in his arms and he pulled her close and he did for her what she had done for him over the last three days. He held her up and he held her together and there was no way he would ever let go.

Her grief was catching up.