The Unexpected Journey-A Prince Harry Fan Fic

Chapter 136

A/N: This is a long chapter so I will post in two parts. It jumps back and forth between the "present" where Maddie is on a helicopter landing at Camp Bastion for her visit just before Christmas and the day when Harry's upcoming deployment was revealed. I really hope the jumps make sense.

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"Ma'am," the helicopter pilot's voice called out over the radio, into the headphones pressed against Maddie's ears. She pulled her mind from her wandering thoughts and looked up to him. "We're almost at Camp Bastion, Ma'am. Nearly ten minutes out."

"Thank you," Maddie smiled, nodding to him before her eyes shifted out the window. She was tucked snug and tight into her seat and the steady of whip of the helicopter blades was dulled but not drowned out by the phones on her ears.

She was on her way to Camp Bastion to visit the soldiers and wish them a Happy Christmas. It had been nearly a month since she had accepted the invitation; a long, hard fought month. As she looked down over the brown land below her, she could still remember that night. She could remember with vivid, palpable detail, the night she came out of that shower and just how long it took her to accept the truth. She was on her way to visit soldiers just before Christmas and, in a few short weeks, her husband was going to be one of them.

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Harry had only debated for a split second before he followed his wife up the stairs. She was upset and probably in shock and, as it would turn out, faster than he. By the time he reached their room, wanting to pull her back to him, back to the moment and away from this avoidance that surprised him; she was in the bathroom and the water was running. In truth he debated going in. He even went so far as to turn the knob and take a step. But, thinking better of it, he stepped back and shut the door.

It had been quite the news; even for him. He had wondered, of course, what the topic of discussion might be when his father called and requested lunch with him. He had caught the tone, caught the official feel of it all. And the second he saw the uniform, he knew. Somewhere in the middle of the discussion, he felt bad; a heaviness in his chest. He wished she had been there. He wished his father had requested Maddie be there; wanting her to have heard it with him, thinking that maybe that in this moment she would feel more like it was happening to them and not just to her.

Harry stepped away from the bathroom door and let her have her time, her space. He moved to sit on the edge of their bed and he waited. And waited.

And before long the sun had set outside and the room had grown dark. But he was waiting. He could outwait her, he could outwait the hot water supply; he could outwait anything. There was nothing that would pull him from that room, from waiting to catch her when she came out; to absorb this together.

She wasn't sure exactly how long she stayed in the heat of the shower but when she finally stood up and turned off the water, her fingers had turned to prunes and she was thoroughly cried out. She pulled herself up, turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. Reaching blindly for her towel, she dried herself off and found her robe. Tugging it around her, she twisted her hair up into a towel and took a long, deep breath.

She knew she needed to go back out there. She knew she needed to go back to him, to talk to him, to look at him; to accept this new fate. But it hurt, terribly. It hurt to think of him leaving now. It hurt to think of him going there. It just hurt—all over. She wanted to crawl into her bed, pull her covers over her head and avoid all of the harsh realities that came with this news. But she knew better. That wasn't how this worked. Not even a little bit.

So she pulled the towel from her head and she ran her comb through her hair and then, without bothering to care about her red, puffy eyes, she left the bathroom. Though she had been intent on dressing and going back downstairs to find him, to apologize for her quick retreat, her plans were detoured when she stepped into their bedroom.

There he stood; calm and casual and his eyes fixed on the bathroom door. When she stepped through, he stood taller, his attentions pulling to her exclusively and Maddie stopped there outside the bathroom door. And a silence ran around them; neither knowing exactly what to say. She had no idea how long he'd been standing there. He had come up after her nearly instantly but when he was confronted with the closed door, when he heard the stream of water and her tears beyond that, he had stopped and he had waited. He didn't want to push. He knew this was beyond difficult to process but he had hoped she would pull through, that she would come out to him.

And there she was, her toes curling into the soft pile of the carpet as she tried to gain the voice she knew she had. Her heart was at battle with her mind as she fought for the right thing to say. And when her lips finally parted and allowed her to speak, her words surprised even her.

"Did you know?" She was avoiding his eyes and he knew it. "Before today, did you know this was happening?"

"No." His response was quick and firm. "I literally found out just before you."

"Was that why I wasn't asked to lunch? So that I wouldn't be there when they told you?"

"Of course not," Harry shook his head. "My father asked if you would be there and I told him you had to start your training. Had I known it was going to be this...Maddie..."

"Okay," she whispered and took a deep breath, turning away from him.

"Okay?" He knew that couldn't be it as he watched her walk towards her dresser. "That's it?"

"What else is there?" She kept her eyes trained on the drawers as she searched for her pajamas.

"What else..." Harry trailed off and ran a hand through his hair. Taking two slow, deep breaths, he watched as Maddie reached for her pajamas; seemingly fine as she dressed for bed. "Maddie."

"Yes?" She lifted her eyebrows but refused to look to him. But before he could open his mouth to tell her the long list of 'what else' there was, the call came.

The Queen.

When her call came, he was tempted to ignore it; tempted to pretend he hadn't heard it. But he couldn't. He knew that. She was The Queen, she was his gran...and she was calling to talk to him about his deployment; logistics that needed to be sorted, deals that were being made. She was calling to discuss the very topic that he desperately wanted to discuss with his wife. With an explanation that wasn't necessary and a promise to return that fell on half-listening ears, Harry stepped from the room and answered the call; leaving Maddie alone in their room.

She took one look around the room, around their room, and her tears pulled forward. And her heart ached. He wasn't there but he was everywhere. His clothes, his smell, his things. She took a deep breath and shook her head.

"No," she spoke out into the room in a voice that told of the miles of emotion she was stuffing down. "I have to..." She began but had to stop, had to control the nearly uncontrollable urge to sob. "I have to be up tomorrow. Early. And we have to have our pictures taken and..." She tugged back the blankets and slid into bed. "I can't do this right now." And even though it was earlier than she normally went to bed, even though there was a massively difficult unfinished conversation to be had, Maddie pulled her blankets high around her shoulders, over her head. Her hand reached out to turn off her lamp and then she pressed her eyes tight and begged whomever was in charge of such things to just let her fall asleep.

To just let her avoid this for one more day. At least one more day.

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When Harry had come to bed that night, Maddie was asleep; hard and deep. And though he desperately wanted to wake her, wanted to connect with her, he didn't have the heart to wake her. She had been so upset, maybe the sleep would help. Maybe she needed time to sit with it, maybe she needed time to mull it over before she could talk about it. He didn't know. But what he did know was that he didn't think he could make it through a night like this with her not meeting his eyes, with her not connecting with him. So he took a deep breath and dressed for bed; careful not to wake her as he crawled in next to her.

She had woken earlier than he, slipping into the shower before he even began to budge. They had an early event that day and before he could grab her hand as she flew by him in her robe, Maddie was off in a spare bathroom down the hallway, her hair being curled and teased, her makeup applied. Harry was quick in the shower, quick to dress and with two mugs of tea in his hands, he slipped into what had become Maddie's staging area.

"Good morning," he eased in cautiously; his lips smiling as he took her in, his eyes glancing to Tara.

"Good morning," Maddie replied, her eyes set forward on something, anything that wasn't him. As he bent to kiss her lips, to hand her the mug in his hand, Tara took a moment and stepped from the room. "Thank you," Maddie smiled as she took the mug from him; feeling slightly more anxious now that she was alone with him—understanding how insane that even sounded.

"Maddie..." His voice was low and serious as his eyes sought to connect with hers. "Listen..."

"I can't," she whispered back.

"But Madeline," he moved closer, pulling up a stool next to hers, glancing at the doorway before he caught her eyes and when he did, he could see it. Everything she had been feeling since the night before was in her eyes, in that lump in her throat, in the pleading twist of her lips.

"Please," she whispered, blinking heavily. "I just...I need to make it through today before I..." She shook her head and wiped at her eyes. "I can't right now Harry."

"Okay," he gave in; knowing fully well he shouldn't, knowing fully well that she would never be able to just shut this out. But he gave in anyway; because she was his wife, because he loved her more than anything and because she had been pushed to her limits. He wasn't going to push anymore. It hurt his chest to even imagine pushing her more.

"Oh-kay," Tara sang out as she stepped back into the room with a smile. "I know you two have the lovey dovey thing going on but if you want your hair up, I'll need to steal you away from His Royal Highness."

"Of course," Harry nodded, squeezing Maddie's knee as he rose from his spot. "I'll just..." He cleared his throat and turned away from them both. "I'll see you downstairs."

"Thank you," Maddie's voice cracked as she tried to turn her focus, as she tried to avoid. With a nod, Harry stepped out of the room and into his day. A day full of smiles that weren't completely genuine, a day full of the worst kind of undercurrent of stress. A day when all he wanted to do was take her home and make her face this with him.

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When they had arrived home that night, they were both exhausted; in all aspects of the word. They had been on their feet, on their game for the entirety of the day and it had taken nearly everything they had. They had smiled, they had posed, they had done everything they were supposed to do and finally, finally they were going to be able to do what they needed to do.

Harry shut the door behind Maddie and watched as she stepped into their home; kicking her shoes off to the side, pulling the hat from her head, careful of the pins. As she moved up their stairs, she worked the clasp of her necklace, slid her rings from her fingers; dropping them onto her dresser as they stepped into their room. All without saying a word. Harry moved slower behind her; shedding his suit coat, loosening the knot on his tie; watching her as she rid herself of her day, of her duty.

"Maddie?" He called out to her, dropping his watch onto his dresser with a light thud, staring at her through the mirror.

"Hmmm?" She didn't turn to face him as she continued to undress. Harry watched and waited and when he didn't respond, she didn't seem to notice. He turned away from the mirror, turning to look at her as she stepped from the pool of clothing at her feet and walked straight into the bathroom; as though they hadn't exchanged words at all.

"Madeline..." He called out to her, the confusion and concern etching into his forehead. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly and leaned back against the dresser. Looking down at his hands, he spoke out into the room, knowing she could hear him. "The day is over...the event is over..." His eyes snapped up as she emerged from their bathroom, dressed in pajamas with her hair pulled up in a messy bun. "What are you doing?"

"Going to bed," she smiled; a small, simple gesture that pulled just a bit at her lips...that never met her eyes.

"To bed." He repeated her words with wide eyes.

"I'm exhausted," she explained, pulling back the blankets.

"Okay listen," Harry pushed away from his dresser. He didn't know if she was purposefully being evasive or if she was subconsciously choosing to sit in denial longer but he did know one thing. They had to talk about this. It couldn't just sit another night. "We need to talk."

"Talk?" She fluffed her pillow.

"Yes," he exhaled heavily. "Talk." He shook his head at her glassy expression, her tight smile. "And I'm going to need you to stop..." He waved his hand at her as though he couldn't quite find the words he was looking for. Her head turned up, turned towards him, but her eyes stayed away and he would be lying if he said it didn't worry him. He would be lying if he said her attitude didn't throw him more than a little bit. "The smile and wave. It's like you're playing Duchess with me and..."

"Playing Duchess?" Her eyes snapped right to him and he saw it; the darkness, the sadness. "What exactly is that supposed to mean?"

"It means..." He was taken aback by the look on her face. "You're walking around in this cold silence, like nothing is happening here. Last night when I told you about my orders, you ran out of the room and spent nearly an hour crying in the shower. This morning you could barely talk about it without...and now that the day is over, now that we're standing here...it's like..." He exhaled and shook his head. "It's like nothing has happened. I don't even know how to...I don't know you like this. I don't know what to do when you're like this."

"Like what?" She blinked, her arms crossing over her chest as her foot began to tap below her and she knew, she was so close to imploding. And she desperately did not want to fall apart.

"Silent. In denial. Distant. Avoiding me." He grew soft; his eyes, his voice. "Madeline please...don't shut me out. Don't do this. Say something. Anything. I don't know what to do when you're like this. I..."

"I can't," Her voice cracked and he saw her waver just a bit before she blinked and stood tall. "I can't talk about it with you right now."

"What?" He was astonished. "Why? We don't have anywhere else to be, no photos to smile for and..."

"Harry..." Her voice cracked and he saw it, the same waver she had that morning when he first broached the topic. He felt bad but he knew that there was no avoiding it and the quicker they got to it, the sooner they could move forward.

"Maddie, I'm being deployed. Right after the New Year, they are sending me to..."

"Stop," she shook her head.

"I'm going to be gone for four months and..."

"STOP!" She yelled, her hand flying up to his chest; pressing him away, keeping him at bay.

"Maddie..." He felt his own emotions stir. "Please. Don't push me away. Talk to me. Say something." His fingers moved over hers that rested on his chest and he waited; his heart thumping in his chest as he watched her. And then she lifted her eyes to his and she spoke; honest and difficult.

"I don't want you to go," she finally spoke the truth and fresh tears pricked at her eyes. "I'm sorry. I know it's selfish and I know I sound ridiculous and I know that I actually have no say in this but...I don't want you to go."

"Maddie..." His heart ached at the look on her face; his fingers tightened over hers.

"I know..." She nodded; her head heavy and her stomach turning. "I know it doesn't matter what I want. I know my opinion doesn't matter here." Her hand slipped out from under his and she turned away from him; defeated.

"It's not that it doesn't matter," he took a step towards her. "I'm a Captain in the Army, Madeline. When they tell me to go, I go."

"But we both know that's not true!" She shook her head, feeling as though she was grasping at straws, at a hope that wasn't there. "They've kept you home before! They've kept you home from battle before Harry..."

"What are you suggesting?" His eyes were wide and sad. He knew she was having a hard time hearing this, processing this. "You want me to tell them no?"

"Yes," she nodded, wiping at her cheeks. "I want you to tell them no."

"Because my wife doesn't want me to go?" His voice was soft and tender because he knew she was hurting, he knew she was afraid. But he also knew she was being unfair.

"Yes," she nodded. "Because your wife doesn't want you to go. What better reason is there?" She felt a little frantic there in their room.

"Maddie..." His voice was low and gentle, like a voice one might use with a toddler. "You do know that you sound..."

"What?" She arched her eyebrows, her innate draw to defensiveness kicking in. "I sound what? Crazy?"

"I didn't say crazy," he shook his head, seeing the tension rise in her face, sensing the edge in her voice; watching as she moved from avoidance and denial straight on to angry and defensive. He had known her for a long time, he had seen this before.

"Ridiculous?" She was challenging him with her word choice; egging on a fight—anything her subconscious could do to avoid the inevitable, the truth.

"Maddie come on," he groaned, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. "I don't want to fight with you. I want to talk about it. Listen...I know you're scared."

"Scared?" Her lips let out a puff of a laugh that held zero humor. "Scared. He thinks I'm scared." She mumbled to herself as she moved away from him. "You remember how you felt that day when that man came after me in the bookstore?" Harry's eyes hardened and he stood up straight; his emotions pricking up at her words.

"I'm not sure what that has to do with..." He shook his head.

"Do you remember?" Maddie interrupted, spinning to face him.

"I'll never forget it," his arms crossed over his chest.

"You remember sitting here worrying, wondering if I was okay, wondering if I was going to come back alive, in one piece..."

"Madeline," his jaw flexed as he warned her. He didn't like the heat that coursed through his veins at the memory.

"You remember feeling helpless and witless and like your entire world could be folding in on you and there was nothing you could do about it?"

"Again. I'm not sure what this..."

"It lasted what? Ten minutes? Twenty?" She shook off his protests. "From the time the code was called until you got the all-clear...how long was it? I know you know."

"Twenty-two minutes," he bit off the words, not at all amused; not at all okay with where this was headed.

"That's right," she pointed to him. "Think you'll ever forget what that was like? Think you'll ever get over feeling like that?" She shook her head, wiping at tears that were pulling through her eyes. "Twenty-two minutes and when I got back you were just...shaken. Torn. So far past scared. You were so out of your mind that you nearly sent me away. You remember?"

"Maddie..." His voice was strangled. "This is my job..."

"That feeling..." She gulped as the reality washed over her again. "I'm going to have that feeling for four months. Four months, I'm going to worry about you. I'm going to know that you're right there, right in the way of imminent danger; right at the target. I'm going to wonder for four months if you're okay, if you're coming back to me...I'm going to be in the worst state of worry and you..." She sucked in a breath. "You talk about it like you're going to just do another job; another royal duty. You talk about it like it's nothing...like I'm just...scared. And in reality, my world is folding in around me." Harry was silent. "And you drop it on me in our living room, in front of people, after a run..." She faded a bit; her eyes, her passion. "You let me hear it and expect me to just..."

"Hold on," he held up his hand.

"And this morning when Tara's doing my hair for today..." She cut in, still in her own line of thought. "What did you expect? To just drop in and casually discuss this life altering event in our lives like you're adding another polo match to the lineup?"

"Life altering?" He sighed. "Come on Maddie...I know it was unexpected and I will admit that I could have handled it a little differently but it can't really be that much of a surprise...You had to have known there was a chance I would be deployed again."

"But I didn't," she shook her head. "I had no idea this would be dropped in our laps so soon and..."

"But you knew I was a soldier when you married me." Maddie blinked at his words; her heart aching in her chest and she leveled her eyes with his and in a voice that sounded not very much like her, she shrugged.

"And you knew I was a Doctor when you married me. Do you see me practicing?"

And just like that the tension in the room pulsed and the air between them changed. Maddie would never really know why she spoke the words she did that night. Maybe it was involuntary reflex, maybe it was the misguided need to change the conversation, the way it made her feel. Because she wanted more than anything not to feel the desperation that was taking over her. Even if it meant that she replaced it with unjustified anger. Even if it made him mad.

"Wow..." The shock Harry felt was genuine and a bit overwhelming as he took a step back, his eyes wide. "I had no idea you would..." He shook his head and looked away from her. "Really Madeline? You're going to throw that up in my face right now?"

"Throw it in your face?" She laughed, an un-humored bark of a sound. "I can't throw reality in your face, Harry. When I married you I gave up everything I was before you and you've had to give up..."

"Nothing." His voice was hard and dark and angry; just like his eyes as they connected with her. "I gave up nothing." Maddie held his gaze, unfaltering, unblinking. "What are you trying to tell me Madeline? That I owe you some sort of penance for a life you CHOSE to take on?!" His voice rose with the red in his face, with the feeling in his heart.

"I'm trying to tell you that people change, that expectations CHANGE. That just because you were one thing before our marriage doesn't mean you have to be one now."

"What are you saying? You want me to quit the Army?" His voice was hushed and strong; a yell tied up in a whisper; astonishment pulling at every corner of his face.

"I didn't say that! I didn't mean that but...I want you to stop talking about it as though it is just another job! I want you to stop talking about it like it's something I should just blindly accept and be happy about!" She stood tall, not at all backing away from him.

"This is my duty, Madeline. This is how I pay back, this is how I serve..."

"And I want you to stop talking to me about duty and service as though I don't know what it's like to sacrifice." Her eyes narrowed and her lips pulled tight. "I've given up everything to stand beside you and serve, to stand beside you and do this duty..."

"Enough!" Harry yelled out into the room, his fingers clenching into a fist. "You do NOT get to use that against me! You do not get to bring that up when it was a decision you made! I did not force you here! I did not make you chose this! You chose this! You do NOT get to throw this up now!"

"And you do NOT get to take the one thing I chose and put him in the line of fire without me getting upset and protective!" Her voice cracked as she met him; loud voice, clench fists. "You do NOT get to make me feel bad for wanting you to be safe!"

"I don't think you understand what this means to me," he shook his head at her.

"And I don't think you understand what this means to me!" She countered. "I know why you do this, why you serve. I get it! I understand it on a deeper level than you think I do! I left my family and spent years in Bendal serving, doing my duty."

"Yes." Harry nodded. "Yes you did. And why do you get to do that with no issue and when it's my turn to step up..."

"Step up to a position that has people shooting at you!" She cut in.

"Says the only one of us who's actually been shot," his eyebrows lifted and his jaw tightened and Maddie had to take a step back.

"You're right," she exhaled sharply. "You're right. And then I left. I left and I came to you."

"And when the earthquake happened, when there was widespread devastation and panic, you went right back in!" He threw his hands in the air. "You and Ella in a pile of rubble! Talk to me about putting myself in the line of danger!"

"You wanted me to talk to you!" She yelled; angry and frustrated. "You don't get to follow me up here and tell me to 'stop playing Duchess' and speak to you and then be pissed when I do! You're flying you, my husband, the father of my children, my future...you're flying him into not only the most dangerous spot on the earth right now but what is arguably the most dangerous spot ever."

"I..." Harry began but Maddie wasn't finished; her face was flushed and her heart was pounding and she knew she was on a runaway train of thought, but she couldn't stop herself as she pushed forward.

"And I told you I didn't want to talk about it yet. I told you I couldn't talk about it yet and you keep pushing and pushing!" Her eyes narrowed. "You want me to say something? You want to know how I feel? THIS is how I feel! I want you safe and warm and protected and HERE! I've stopped with the 'smile and wave' just like you asked me to." She took a deep breath and reached for her robe that laid on the foot of their bed. "And now...if you'll excuse me...I'm quite finished with you yelling at me because I worry about you." And just like that, Maddie spun on her heels and stepped away from him, towards the door.

"Wh..." Harry watched her as she left the room, his forehead crinkled in confusion as he followed her out. "Where are you going?"

"To a spare room!" She called without turning around.

"For what?!" His voice was incredulous.

"To sleep!" She called back. "I'm exhausted and we have another full day tomorrow and..."

"No." Harry stopped in his tracks; his voice firm as he crossed his arms over his chest. Maddie turned around then, her skin on fire from the yelling, from the moment.

"Did you just tell me no?" One eyebrow arched and though both of them knew at some level what was happening, neither of them stepped back.

"You're not sleeping in a spare room Madeline." His forearms tensed; muscles flexing.

"Excuse me?" She laughed; so caught up in her stubbornness, so caught up in standing her ground that she had lost sight of how this had all started. "Since when do you get to tell me..."

"You are my wife and we sleep together. In OUR bed."

"You do not get to order me around like..."

"I am your husband!" He yelled out, his voice echoing in the space around them; the sound of it hitting him enough that he took the smallest step forward. "And we sleep together. In our bed."

Maddie stood tall, unwavering as her anger heated her blood; her cheeks flushing red. And in a moment of stubborn frustration, in a moment of headstrong defiance that she hadn't felt in a very long time, she made a move she knew would bring about the most anger from him.

She turned away from him and took the five steps into the spare room at the end of the hallway.

And she shut the door behind her. Without another word.

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Maddie pulled her eyes away from the small window just to her left and looked around the helicopter; full of men. She looked down at her hands, remembering their fight; remembering how angry she had been with him, how pissed he had been at her. Even now, weeks later, when she thought of it she could feel the heat and the emotion that had been boiling within her that night. She twisted her engagement ring around her finger, letting the sound of the blades above lull her back to calm; back to steady.

"Just under five, ma'am," the captain's voice clicked into her ear. With a smile and a nod in his direction, she turned her eyes back to the window.

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The very second she shut the door between them, the fire that had been fueling her fight began to fizzle and the haze of anger began to fade. She moved further into the room, not bothering with the light. When she reached the bed, she pulled off the throw pillows, pulled back the blankets and slipped into the cold, crisp sheets.

But when her head hit the pillow, when she tugged the blankets up under her chin, her chest began to ache. And all she really wanted to do was sleep; close her eyes and forget about it all. So she pressed her eyes shut and she willed herself to sleep; forcing her mind away from all she had left in the hallway, all that had happened between them.

"One more day," she spoke out into the room, to nobody in particular. She needed just one more day before she faced it, before she let it sink.

But whomever it was she was speaking to, wasn't listening. Because as she laid in the bed that night, trying to push herself to sleep, to run from the reality of it all, she found that she simply couldn't. She really should have known better.

As much as she pushed, as much as she tried...when it started to sink in, all she could do was think about it; over and over. All she could do was relive it; in vivid, clear details. She could see herself yelling at Harry in their bedroom. She could hear the words she had thrown at him. She could feel the way his gut had flinched, she could feel the emptiness in her own heart.

And when she finally gave up and rolled over to look at the clock on the nightstand, it was three in the morning and she hadn't slept a wink. With a deep, heavy sigh, she sat up and looked around; her eyes settling on the door.

This wasn't how this was supposed to be. She knew that. She wasn't supposed to be in the spare bedroom without him. She wasn't supposed to be without him. Things had just gotten so out of control so fast and in her desperate desire to not think about his upcoming deployment, about the sadness and worry and fear that washed over her the second she knew, she had jumped head first into whatever topic would get them away from discussing it.

And now here she was; wide awake in the spare room without him.

And her heart was aching.

She had been wrong; wrong to snap at him, wrong to say those things to him, wrong to leave him standing in the hallway like that. She had been wrong to pull away instead of moving closer. She had been wrong and there was no way she was going to sleep until she made it right.

Tossing back the blankets, she rose from the bed and, swallowing what little pride she had left, she moved from the room and down the hall and with soft steps and gentle hands, she turned the knob and pushed into their room.

And Harry was gone.

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As they neared their final destination, Maddie could see the others in the helicopter gear up for landing. The pilot began to flip switches, the special RPOs who had been sent out with her, began to look alert; ready. And Thomas across from her slipped his phone into his chest pocket and offered her a small smile. The dirt began to kick up and they hovered for a moment before the telltale bounce told her they had touched down. Before her hands could even slip lightly over the buckles on the belts that kept her in, her security detail halted her. This was different than any other event she had been to and this was the first of several reminders of that fact. While one RPO stilled her hands, the other geared up to step out. The team that was put together to ensure her protection were not messing around, they were taking her from the helicopter one step at a time. There would be no rushing, no moving about freely. Every step they took was planned and calculated.

Not at all like the way she had scattered around their home that night.

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"Harry..." She flipped on the light, her eyes blinking at the sudden brightness. "Harry?"

Nothing.

She moved past their empty bed into the bathroom. Her feet were cold on the tile, her eyes squinting at the light. "Harry?"

Nothing.

Her heart thudded in her chest and she felt sick. She spun around and hurried from the room; her steps rushed and her eyes panicked.

Where had he gone?

When had he gone?

She hurried down the hall and to the stairs. Holding onto the railing with shaky hands, she moved downstairs. His shoes were still in place on the floor at the bottom, his keys still hanging next to the door, his wallet tossed onto the side table. While he could have worn different shoes, he couldn't have gone too far without his keys and his wallet.

"Harry!" Maddie called out into the house. "Harry!" She moved through the living room, though the kitchen; around corners and in and out of rooms. And just when she thought she was going to cry from the crazy panic that flooded her body, she stopped and called out again; her voice coming in a sob. "Harry..."

"Maddie? What in the hell are you doing yelling and..."

She spun around in the hallway as he stepped out of his office; his pajamas rumpled and his hair mussed. He looked exhausted; and confused.

"Oh thank God..." She breathed, her hand moving to her heart as she took a deep breath. "You're here."

"Of course I'm here," he sighed, one arm folding over his chest while the other rubbed at the ache in his shoulder. "Where else would I..."

"You weren't in our room," she explained with teary eyes, pointing towards the stairs. "You weren't in our bed."

"You weren't either," he pointed out and her eyes welled over. Her head grew heavy as she nodded.

"Harry..." He saw the change in her disposition, the change in her mood. She hadn't come to fight and the knowledge of that eased his stance just a bit.

"I couldn't ..." He took a deep breath and made an admission that made her heart warm and ache at the same time. "I couldn't sleep there if you weren't sleeping there. I..."

"I'm so sorry." It was the truth and admitting it to him caused an overflow of feelings within her; the tears, the sobs, the worry, the fear. It all poured from her there before him. "Harry I'm so, so incredibly sorry..." She shook her head, not bothering to wipe at the tears on her cheeks. "I...oh God...I'm just so...afraid."

Though he was stubborn, though he was firm and stern and had been ready to hold his ground, that did it. That moved him.

"Come here," he walked towards her, his arms reaching to pull her into him.

"I was such an asshole to you," she pressed her face to his chest and continued to cry; even in the safety of his arms. "I shouldn't have said those things. I shouldn't have gone to the spare room. I'm just so..."

"I know," he whispered against her hair, tightening his hold on her. "I know you are baby...It's okay."

"It's not okay," she shook her head. "I should never have said those things Harry. I was just scared and angry and..."

"I know," he kissed her hair and ran his hands over her; soothing and sweet. He had known all along that she was upset, that she was scared. The words hadn't hurt any less but at least he understood them.

"I don't want you to go Harry. I...haven't we had enough hits this year? Haven't we taken on enough? First it was Kate and then it was...then it was Khenda..." She felt her heart clench. "And we can't seem to get pregnant and..." Her eyes lifted to his and the look on her face felt like a punch to his gut. "And we're going to have to stop trying...aren't we?" Her voice cracked. "You don't want to miss me being pregnant. I don't want you to be gone when I'm going to appointments and..." She blinked at the big tears that were sliding from her eyes and her knees gave a little. "We're going to have to stop. Aren't we." It wasn't a question because she already knew his answer. Her hand flattened on his chest and she gave a small push, just enough to pull herself from him, just enough so she could breathe.

"I'm sorry, Maddie but..."

"We have to stop," she finished and grew quiet; tears slipping from her eyes as it all washed over her. Harry didn't know what to do. His instincts were to go to her, to pull her close and tight and kiss her tears away but there was something about her posture, something about her stance that made him stay put. Something that made him hold the space for her and wait. She took a moment, a long moment, before she looked back up to him and when her eyes slid into his gaze, his heart hurt. "I can't lose you Harry."

"Hey..." He moved forward.

"I can't," she shook her head. "I mean it. I've been able to keep it together through everything that's come our way but if something happened to you...it would kill me."

"Please don't talk like that," Harry's hand moved to his chest. "Please don't say stuff like that."

"It would," she leveled with him; her eyes wide and teary. "I...I know you're good at this. Hell. I know you're great at this. Clearly they think you're beyond capable and...and I know that I'm being unfair and that I should have been prepared for this because you're...but Harry..." She moved towards him then and she looked so scared, so scattered. Harry felt all of his loyalties call to question as he looked down at his wife in that moment. "I can't lose you. I...I can't. I can't."

"You won't," he shook his head, his hands reaching out to her as she stepped up to him. Forgetting all that was said upstairs, all that was thrown around, his hands moved to her face; cupping her gently as he tipped her face up to his. "Look at me. I promise you. You won't."

"You better not break this promise Wales," she let him take her in his arms, she let him pull her body into his; back into the strong, safe space of his embrace. "I can't lose you too."

"You won't," he shook his head again, pressing her into him. "I promise you, you won't." They stood like that, melted together, in that hallway for a long time; each of them holding onto the other and when Maddie finally sniffed and pulled away, she looked up to him with regret and apology in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry for what happened upstairs, for where things went. Do you think you'll be able to forgive me?" She held out hope, knowing her words had stung.

"Oh baby of course I forgive you..." He moved to wipe at her cheeks. "We both said things that maybe we shouldn't..."

"I have never, ever regretted my choice to be here," she whispered and his eyes softened. "I've never regretted my decision to be with you, to stand next to you. I don't. I don't know why I brought it up I just...I was upset and angry and afraid and..."

"Do you want me to quit?" His question was soft and heavy and it drew everything inside of her to his attention.

"Harry..." Her voice wavered and when his eyes locked with hers, she couldn't breathe. The depth and seriousness there was nearly too much.

"I'm asking," he cleared his throat. "I'm asking and I want you to be honest with me Madeline. No judgments. You've given up a lot and..."

"Baby," her hands slid to his cheeks. His hands followed hers and he blinked.

"Do you want me to leave the army?" And Maddie knew how important this moment was; how big. She could feel the weight of it settle over them and she didn't know if she should laugh or cry or take him in her arms and...

"No," she replied without thought, without reservation. "I don't want you to go but...I don't want you to quit. I could never ask you to..."

"But you could," he stepped closer to her. "You could. It would be...hard. It would be a difficult thing to do. This, serving in this capacity, is incredibly important to me."

"I know," she nodded. "I know it is, Harry."

"But God, Madeline." He shook his head. "Of course you're more important. I need you to know that you're more important. You, this...our family..." His lips tipped into a smile for the first time that night. "You could ask."

Maddie took it in; his words, the look in his eyes when he spoke them. She knew he meant it. There was no doubt. "But I won't."

And she meant it. She wouldn't ask him to give up this part of himself. Even though it meant that soon, sooner than either of them had anticipated, he would be gearing up to leave her for four months.

She wouldn't ask.

To Be Continued...