Mud | Obikin

36.

Anakin's sweat gets cold against my body.
His breath slows down, hot in my ear, until he parts from me.
The doors open and close again before I can even turn.

I redress alone - for the better, as the scene is miserable.
Then, I drop down on the floor, my back against the shelves, my heart still hammering.
I pick up one of the holo-books from the carpet.
'The Big Picture,' says the writing on the screen. A novel.
I'd have said Satine only had time for essays.

I wonder what she would think seeing me hit rock bottom on the stone floor of her library room - just in the spot where she warned me, a few hours ago.
They say you can't go further down. Actually, the seemingly lowest point is just the edge of the pit.
From down here, however, the sight is crystal clear.

I can't surrender if what we saw is the price.
In spite of all the excuses I've been making, the answer couldn't be simpler.
It's not what we feel for each other that's destroying us; I can save Anakin - and my true self as well - without going anywhere. I won't even have to let him face his Darkness alone.
He will kick and scream, but there won't be anything he could do about it. It will hurt, but it will be right and irreversible.

The wheels have been spinning for too long, retorts my Darkness, they won't stop for anyone. The lighting hit the tree already, it will set the forest on fire, whether somebody is looking at it or not.
The chance the rain will come, or the wind shift is indeed slight.
In any case, ignoring it is a luxury I can't allow myself anymore.

Hope has no mercy, I consider getting up; it asks me to trade the only thing that ever mattered for a vague promise. What is sweet, instead, is the cleanliness of a difficult choice when it's made. When I exit the room, I'm lighter than I've been in weeks and wide awake.
Quin will be so proud. I'm not sure I'll be able to handle his gloating.

"I'll wait here until Shaali's well enough," says Ahsoka when I contact her. "Skyguy gave me permission to borrow his ship to take her back... Is it fine with you as well?"

"Of course, do as your Master says. May the Force be with you, Ahsoka."

After that, there's no one else around to say goodbye to.

Anakin is waiting for me on board of my exhausted T-9, just as I expected. From the Dejarik table, he greets me with a beautiful, sad smile that makes my legs weak.
His presence won't affect me like this, tomorrow. Being free will be a relief.

"You're upset, and rightly so," he says. "I'll get off the ship if you want me to."

"It takes two for what we did, I'm not angry. Stop fiddling around and take off," I reply.

It's my Master voice talking, and I haven't heard it in days. I take it as a good sign.
Anakin gets startled, instead. As he heads to the flight deck, his Signature ripples.

It's past noon. The idea of making some kind of lunch passes through my mind and is immediately discarded.
This too will get better, eating will be easy again.

"I had lunch already," Anakin shouts from behind the bulkhead. "This doesn't mean you can skip any more meals, though."

Resignedly, I grab a bag of moss chips from the galley and drop into the co-pilot's seat.

"Nowhere in the Galaxy would that be considered lunch," my pilot grouses as we enter the black.

I toss one of my chips in his hair.
He ruffles it away with a chuckle.

'Paddling upstream has worn us out,' I'd like to tell him, 'it won't get better, for the current is stronger near the waterfall. There's a purpose, though, in the flow we've been fighting, an inherent rightness...'