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Ville Valo - Pretending

Ville Hermanni Valo.

I remember the first time I ever laid my eyes on him, such an exquisite beauty of a man. His emerald blue eyes, his long brown wavy hair embracing his beautiful face. The way he looked at me, his eyes piercing through my soul as he stepped closer to me. We were just strangers, two lost souls happened to run into each other at the wrong place and wrong time, but in that moment everything seemed perfect. We did not know one and other all we know that it felt like we finally found something that we have been both looking for, something we lost years ago. Seconds later I was pushed against the old wooden wall with his beautiful lips clashing against mine. His kiss was like the sweetest poison. I wanted more and more.

Clothes scattered on the floor of the motel room leading the king sized vintage bed were we laid. My naked body was resting next to his while his long tattooed arm wrapped around me holding me like his life was depending on it. Neither of us knew what happened or why all he knew that we lost common sense and control and we went at each other like animals and let ourselves drown in pleasure. We have not known each other for longer than half an hour but I was already screaming his name and begging for more.

After that faithful night in Helsinki everything changed. Ville and I have become inseparable. The love we had for each other for strong, pure and obsessive. Everything started so well. It felt like I was living a dream, the perfect boyfriend who I love and admire. I was ready to give everything up for him, and he was the same for me, but soon the pink clouds of love slowly disappeared and turned into dark thick fog of obsession and jealousy. The more time we spent together the more obsessive we got, by the end there was no love just greedy possessiveness. We owned each other, were each other's poison that was killing us both yet we were the sweet drug for one and other. We reached the point we became dangerous and abusive and that's when we stopped. We realized it just doesn't worth it anymore so we separated and never saw each other again until that winter.

It was 6 long years after that certain night. I have not seen nor spoken to Ville and clearly I did not want to. Did I miss him? Oh boy... did I. I missed him every single day, there was not a single I wouldn't think of him holding me in his arms, whispering 'I love you' in his thick Finnish accent but I knew it was for the best. Whenever I thought of him, whenever the loneliness of him not being there popped his ugly head up soon followed the hatred and anger I felt. It was not my place to blame him yet I still did. I hated him for stealing my heart; I hated him for drugging me with a false illusion of love.

I travelled to Helsinki to visit my brother and spend the Christmas with them. Thanks to my brother's slurry English I mixed up the dates therefore I had to book a hotel. With no other option and closest and reasonably cheapest I got a room in Radisson Blu Royal Hotel, which is let's be honest one of the best hotels in 'sinki. Once I got to the room I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes but all I could see was him. Like a tragic ghost of the past he lingered through my thoughts, so vivid like it happened yesterday.

"Fuck!" I snap at myself as I sit up abruptly and open my eyes. I run my fingers through my long wine red, wavy lock and the decision in my head has been made; I need a drink. With that I got up the bed and walked down to the bar. The bar filled with slow, soothing jazz music and smoke what somewhat relaxed me. I took a seat on the tall, red leather bar stool and ordered myself a glass of red wine. I hated myself because it was our drink but I give up too many things in the process of forgetting I will not give up the only thing that make him go away; alcohol.