i'm sitting in my apartment, alone. it's silent on the inside and loud on the outside. i'm sitting next to the wall because of my phone charger. a really shitty base is thudding the same rhythm repeatedly in the background. the floor vibrates every now and again. my ears are ringing. my head hurts. a plane soars overhead, intensifying the noise. and i wonder when the last day was that i meant something to you.
i've beat myself up over it so much. i miss you, i tell myself. i truly do in the most honest sense. i've cried over you. i have tried to bring you back to me, but you're gone. there's nothing i can do to bring you back to the person i used to know. no amount of me apologizing will accomplish that.
you have changed. you care about other things now—one thing, actually. and i can assure you it's not me. and it's really not any of us. it's something else. i think of all the times i could emotionally feel that you cared about me. i took that for granted back then. i thought i'd always have your care; i thought i'd always be able to feel your genuine interest in me. i wish i could go back in time and tell myself to savor it, because i'll never have it again.
now i've learned to distance myself from you. it was not my fault that you changed. as time passed, you turned into a different person and it's not that i don't know you anymore. it's that you don't exist. this new person isn't you. it won't be, ever.
i try to think back to the last time you cared about me. can i remember when? how long ago was it, exactly?
- dani
YOU ARE READING
diary™
Randomjust a book that contains a lot of stuff that i go on about on a daily basis :-) i write about feelings, matt healy and what is happening in my life. i originally was going to delete this book but i decided to keep it.
