RAIN DANCE

Nine

I pretended I was sick just to avoid having supper with my parents. The swollen eyes and cracked voice helped to sell my case. The pain of my breaking heart aided me as I faked cramps on my side. Mum brought me food as I lay in bed crying silently under my covers. I wanted to scream, break something, punch anyone but Lizzy restrained me. She let me squeeze the life out of my stuffed animals. She took away my breakable treasures because she knew I’d break them and only regret later. And she let me sob, it was the closest to crying she’d let me.
I slept for only three hours that night. Mum came to wake me up for school but I looked like I’d been hit by a bus and trampled on by circus elephants so she suggested I stay at home. I refused of course. I needed to go see Aidan after school. I couldn’t imagine missing the chance, no matter how thin, to see him again in case he hadn’t left. Lizzy didn’t say much to me. I looked terrible and no amount of teasing from her could make me feel worse or better than I already did. She did try to convince me to stay at home but she knew the case was closed before she started.
So I endured a day of humdrum small talk with my friends. Chuck was the only one who cared enough to divert all conversation directed to me. I didn’t feel like talking. Heather and Matt were the people I spent the day avoiding. Their lovey-dovey parade was sure to make me puke or, worse still, induce my suppressed violent streak. Lucky for them I didn’t see them. But I did bump into Dylan. Like everyone else, Dylan responded to my distraught expression by grimacing.
“Hi,” he said trying his hardest to sound neutral.
“Not today.” I muttered as I sat down in the library.
“Did you see him yesterday?” I looked at him through my angry eyes. Somehow, a part of me wanted to punch him and I didn’t feel guilty for thinking it.
“Yes, hence the lovely natural gothic make up I have.”
“I’m sorry.” Dylan said.
“Ok, now that you’ve gotten that off your chest, can you leave? I don’t want to entertain your pity more than I need to.” I looked at my book and closed my eyes. The tears were stinging my eyes. I didn’t know I could cry so much.
“Do you want to go for milkshake or lunch after school?” He asked.
“No.” I growled. He didn’t leave. He just stood there next to me. I felt the need to smile as I imagined punching him. But instead I grabbed my pencil and with one incensed movement of my wrists, I broke it. I sighed and put the pieces of my pencil on the table.
“I’m here if you need to talk.” He said having finally gotten the message.
“As always.” I said flatly as he walked away.
With great irritation I flung the book that was upside down all along to its right position so I could read. I couldn’t concentrate but I hadn’t planned on understanding anything. I just wanted to be alone until school was over so that I could go see Aidan. I knew none of my other friends hung out in the library so I felt safe. The only problem I had was Dylan and that little episode was just about over.
After school I found Jason punctually waiting in the parking lot. Dylan watched me as I got into the car. Our eyes met for a brief second as I climbed in and that was the end of it. I was glad that I didn’t have to deal with Dylan for the whole weekend. Jason drove me straight to Aidan’s place as per my request. He killed the engine and took out his book as I got out of the car.
I banged on the door, this time a bit more gently but urgently. The door swung open and Leo came out. He too found my devastated look unhinging. He forced a weak smile on as he greeted me.
“He’s not here.” Leo said after our brusque greeting.
“Is he gone, like really gone?” I asked. My voice was still hoarse from all the crying.
“I don’t think so. He packed up last night.” Leo said looking at me like his words would break me.
“So where is he?”
“He said something about tying up loose ends and he took off for the afternoon.” Leo paused, waiting for me to fall apart. “He’s leaving tonight, Chris.”
“I see.” I had to pick my words carefully. I was not going to break into a million pieces in front of Leo.
“You look almost as bad as he does.” Leo whispered. It sounded like a pathetic attempt to make me feel better.
“When he gets back,” I said taking out a small box from my pocket “could you give this to him?”
I wanted Aidan to have a piece of me so that he wouldn’t forget me. I would have preferred he take the whole of me but he had refused so I was going to give him something that meant a lot to me. He had to know I was serious about him and I would wait for him.
“Sure,” Leo said taking it and looking at it with curiosity. “It won’t make him cry, will it? I can’t do tears.”
“I have to go.” I said feeling my act of composure wearing thin. “Just tell him I meant what I said yesterday; every word of it.”
“Okay.” Leo managed to say.
I turned away quickly hoping Leo hadn’t noticed the rogue tear that had ran down my cheek. I got into the car silently and closed the door. I waved weakly at Leo before the car drove off. I just needed to pull myself together until I was home. I wouldn’t cry in the car, in front of Jason. Lord knows all men freak out at the sight of tears.
Once I was home, in the safety of our bedroom, I cried some more. Lizzy was out, taking a walk. I fell asleep at some point. I guess, it was the exhaustion. Even my mind couldn’t keep up with my pathetic, heart-broken routine. I woke up with Lizzy on my side. I assumed she’d woken me up. It was time for supper. I washed my face and tried to conceal my distraught look with a bit of make-up. It didn’t help much but at least I’d tried.
I spoke very little during the meal and dad watched me to make sure I was eating. I didn’t feel like eating. I had no appetite, like I’d spent the day bingeing on sweets. But I forced down the food slowly. I waited for everyone to finish eating before I excused myself from the table. Lizzy helped me clear the table and wash the dishes.
“Was he there?” Lizzy asked as she dried the plates I’d washed.
“No, he didn’t want to say goodbye.” I said.
“I’m sorry.” When Lizzy said those words I thought of Dylan. They both felt pity for me.
“I know. How selfish is that?” I suddenly blurted out. “What if I needed to say goodbye? What if it was important to me?”
“You imposed yourself on him yesterday and he put up with it.” Lizzy pointed out.
“I know, but…” I said scrubbing the clean plate harder than necessary. I placed it aside and took the next plate.
“But what? Did you actually want to have a soapy goodbye?”
“Well,” I paused and looked at Lizzy. “If you put it that way. No. Maybe I could have convinced him to stay or take me with him.”
“Maybe he knew that. And if he stays and that horrible man finds him and kills him? Would you live with yourself? Or if you left with him, lived like a fugitive. Do you think he could stand to do that to you if he truly loves you?” Lizzy said gently not for my sake but to make sure mum and dad didn’t hear her.
“Geez Lizzy, do you always have to be the voice of reason?!”
“Yeah, it’s tough being the sane one.” Lizzy said flicking me with the towel.
“I bet it hurts.” I said sarcastically.
“Did you give him your father’s watch?” Lizzy asked, intentionally avoiding my gaze. I knew she’d bring up the parcel I’d given Leo to give to Aidan.
“Yeah, I seriously can’t imagine anyone else getting it.” I said watching as the dirty water drained out of the sink. “My mother gave it to my father when he left her for college.”
“Yeah, I know. What if he doesn’t come back like your father did for your mother?”
“Then he’ll keep it. Reading my mother’s diaries is magical. It’s all I know of them. How much they loved each other. It’s all so vivid in her words.” I explained.
“But it holds so much meaning to you. I just don’t want you to regret this.” Lizzy said softly.
“I won’t.” I said with a smile “Besides it’s too late, he’s probably gone by now.”
“I don’t think you made a mistake.” Lizzy said with a smile. “I just want you to never forget that.”
I thought about that watch that night. I thought about Aidan wearing it or keeping it close. I only owned two things from my biological parents; that watch and my mother’s diaries. She and my father had been high school sweethearts, my mother was two classes behind my father. She was so in love with him and when he left for college she gave him a watch ‘to make sure he’d count the minutes till they could be together’ as she put it in one of her diaries. She started a diary when he left and as the years passed more diaries came too.
He finished school and came back for my mother. They built a small life together. They didn’t own much but they were so happy. I came along years later. They had an accident when I was two and they died. I had those two possessions; the watch and the diaries, with me always. They were all I needed to face each day. Nothing renewed my spirit like knowing that I was born out of love. I re-read one of my mother’s diaries and drifted off to sleep peacefully.
I didn’t dream, I just slept. The days that passed the only thing that kept me together was reading the diaries. My mother sounded so naïve, so in love. I knew I would sound just like her because even with the passing days nothing changed the way I felt about Aidan. I was sad that he was gone but I loved him more. I expected my memory of him to fade but each morning I seemed to remember something small about our time together that made me love him more. Of course that meant I missed him a lot more.
I tried not to let my hurt show. Instead I found strength in having hope that he’d come back. If I felt like sadness was going to crush me, I grabbed and held on tightly to the little bit of faith that each memory gave. It was the following Thursday after he’d left. Lizzy and I were in our booth at the restaurant enjoying our strawberry milkshake. She was talking animatedly and I was smiling politely, trying to think of a way to suggest we look for a new hang out spot because the restaurant reminded me off Aidan.
“So, I read the funniest thing today.” She said after a long sip of her milkshake.
“What?” I asked trying to sound enthusiastic.
“You know the Rain Dance, right?”
“Yeah, Indian thing. They have a special dance for rain or something like that.” I said trying hard to sound interested.
“Yeah. Well, I read an article that said the only reason why it works is because they don’t stop dancing until it rains.” Lizzy said with a grin.
“I hadn’t thought of it that way.” I said with a laugh “People can be so sadistic about other people’s cultures.”
“I know, right?” Lizzy said but she was still grinning.
Just then I spotted Leo approaching our table. I had never seen him before outside the apartment. Lizzy followed my eyes to Leo. She looked at me with a frown, obviously she didn’t approve of Leo’s unkempt look.
“Hi, Leo.” I said. I failed dismally to hide my shock.
“Hi, Chris.”  He looked at Lizzy. The look on Lizzy’s face was far from welcoming.
“This is my sister, Lizzy.” I said gesturing to Lizzy. “Lizzy, this is Leo. He used to stay with Aidan.”
“Hi,” Lizzy said warming up a bit to Leo.
“Are you here to meet someone?” I asked when Leo stood motionless.
“Actually, Aidan told me I’d find you here. He said you come every Thursday.” He said finally taking his eyes off Lizzy to look at me.
“Oh,” was all I could say. That didn’t help me guess why he was there.
“He left this for you.” Leo placed a wrapped gift on the table and handed me an envelope.
“Err, thanks.” I was sure I was feeling a heart attack coming. Aidan had left something for me. I couldn’t believe it.
“Just give me a call. My number is inside.” Leo said. He hadn’t smiled since he arrived.
“Okay.” I was too stunned to ask why I’d want to call him.
“Oh, by the way. I’m opening up the ice cream parlour in a few months. Aidan said you’d love to come so I’ll keep you posted.” Leo nodded and left. I couldn’t even pull myself together to say goodbye. I muttered a clumsy thank you but he was already gone. I looked at Lizzy with shock written all over my face.
“If you don’t open that envelope I will rip it open myself.” Lizzy threatened. My heart was beating fast and my hands were shaking uncontrollably as I opened the envelope.
Tell me all about it… It said on the first line
I guess you’re far from being impressed that I left without saying goodbye. I just thought that since we agreed that it wasn’t goodbye, you wouldn’t mind . Now that I’m getting ready to go I wish I’d seen you for the last time. Please, no more tears. You have no idea how much it breaks my heart when you cry.
Anyway, this is a note to accompany the parcel . Leo told me that you meant every word you said so I got this for you so that you tell me all about yourself. I know I won’t be able to read it until I come back to you. That’s the biggest thing I’m looking forward to so write away. If you finish this one, call Leo and he’ll get you another one.
Say hi to Lizzy.
I love you so much
See you later…
Aidan
“This is a really, really nice book.” Lizzy said. I was so engrossed in the letter that I didn’t notice Lizzy opening up the parcel. She flipped the pages and I couldn’t help smile; partly because I love presents and mainly because of the note that had come with the book.
“It’s so beautiful.” I said taking the book from Lizzy and handing her the note. It was a new journal.
“I didn’t know romanticism was hereditary.” Lizzy folded the letter as she handed it back. “What does this mean?”
“You know the Indian Rain Dance?” I said thoughtfully. Lizzy nodded warily. Her eye brows creased with the movement of her forehead;  “Well, I think I’m going to do my own. As you said; it’s fail-proof, right?”