RAIN DANCE

Eight

Tuesday was worse than Monday. Maybe my Monday blues were catching up with me. I wasn’t interested in anything that was happening around me. I had a good mind to bunk most of my classes but every time I wanted to bail one of my friends would pop up and drag me to the next class. The sight of happy Luke and Heather was beginning to drive me insane. Every time I saw their smiling and lit up faces I felt nauseated. I know I was exaggerating the situation but my anger towards Aidan had passed and was replaced by dread and worry.
I wanted to go see him. Not to shout at him or ask him why he wasn’t talking to me but just to see him. To make sure he was okay. Maybe, after weeks of pretending that I didn’t remind him of his brother, he couldn’t fake it anymore. I would let him go if he truly didn’t want me but I just had to know he was okay; to know he was fine. I would be back to angry if he was fine and was just coward to tell me he didn’t want to hang out with me. But having experienced the two feelings towards him; anger seemed better than the worry that filled me.
In Physics we were paired up. Heather was paired up with a girl she didn’t know but she didn’t seem to mind. I was paired up with Dylan. I was relived. I couldn’t have imagined sharing my irritating behaviour with anyone else. Dylan seemed more pleased than I was. He was smiling impishly at me as I threw myself on the chair next to him.
“I take it he hasn’t called.” He said in a mocking tone. I threw a threatening glance at him but it did nothing to the stupid smile on his face. I considered slapping it off his face but I figured that would make me feel better just for a short while. But the idea of feeling better even for two seconds was so tempting.
“I don’t understand.” I said flipping furiously through the text book.
“Calm down, it’s only been two days.” he said taking the book from my grasp.
“Maybe I came on too strong. You know, too much too soon.” I rationalised.
“You’re not that kind of a girl.” Dylan said, this time he wasn’t smiling and his eyes stared too intently into the book.
“What kind of a girl is that?” I asked.
“The kind that comes on too strong,” He said dropping his voice as our teacher began to explain our task “even if you were, your ‘too strong’ will be more than welcomed and appreciated.”
I looked at the black board as the explanation rumbled on. It was like background noise. I was watching but not seeing. I was hearing but not listening. Had Dylan given me a compliment? If he had why was I not as moved as I should have been? Instead I found myself wishing it was Aidan who’d said those words. I could hear Aidan’s voice repeat those words and my heart swelled with the thought. But that wasn’t the case. It was Dylan and not Aidan. Aidan was not returning my calls or replying my messages.
“Let’s get started then.” Dylan said as he scribbled the date in his note book. I did the same, not thinking clearly. We worked quite well together. Heather threw glances at us as we laughed and I knew that my friendship with Dylan was bothering her. But Dylan, other than Lizzy, was the only one who knew what was going on and because of that I didn’t feel the need to pretend like I was okay.
“Chris, aren’t you staying for hockey practise?” Heather asked after class when I was saying good bye to Dylan. She continued to give him the cold shoulder.
“What?” I asked, puzzled by Heather’s ignorance. I had been missing hockey practise for weeks now.
“Hockey practice, you don’t have your sports bag so I’m wondering if you’re staying behind.” Heather explained. She was waiting for my answer with as much patience as a toddler ready to go potty. Luke was waiting for her at the door. That was when I realised that I had left my sports bag at home.
After weeks of bunking to see Aidan, I actually had gotten used to leave my sports back. Or maybe subconsciously, I left it because I was hoping to get a message from Aidan telling me to come see him. I was disappointed but not in myself for forgetting my sports bag but because I wanted, so desperately, to go past the restaurant and see Aidan before I went home. I sighed and took out my phone.
“Well, are you staying for hockey?” Heather asked impatiently. I could see Luke’s hands around her waist.
“Yeah, Lizzy can bring my bag.” I said as I texted a message to Lizzy. Heather nodded and left with Luke.
Need a favour. Can you bring my sports bag? I forgot it, I wrote.
I read Lizzy’s reply as I walked to my last class of the day.
Sure, great excuse to see everyone.
At least my “mistake” hadn’t turned out as horrible as I’d imagined. Lizzy would bring my bag and the coach would give me hell for bunking. I looked up at the clear sky. The sun was bright and hot in the sky. I closed my eyes wishing the sky would suddenly be overcast and it would rain so that practise would be cancelled. As the heat burnt my skin and the light made my eyes see red behind my eye lids, I muttered angrily to myself.
“Not a fan of nice summer days?” Dylan asked. He was standing right in front of me. My eyes shot open.
“Not the biggest.” I answered walking into the shade of the nearest tree.
“Ain’t no sun shine when he’s gone…” Dylan sang with a grin across his face.
“Oh, stop it!” I groaned pushing him playfully.
“I wish I had a camera so that I could play this for you when you finally get over him.” He said sitting down next to where I’d sat.
“I’m not going to.” I snapped. Before I could even realise what I’d said the words were hanging between us. I heard them myself and even to me they sounded wrong. I didn’t want to get over Aidan?
“You’re not going to what?” Dylan asked curiously.
“Be this way forever. I’m going to be happy.” I half-lied. With Aidan I added to myself.
“Eventually.” Dylan said half-heartedly.  
“I don’t know. I know this is going to sound silly but I’m so worried about him. Like something is happening to him.” I poured out to Dylan. The look on his face showed that he couldn’t have cared less. But his response took me by surprise.
“Yeah,” Dylan said thoughtfully.
“You get what I mean?” I asked surprised.
“Of course, it’s called denial. You can’t accept that he’s not into you, so you would rather buy into the idea that something’s gone wrong to keep him from you.”
“It’s not denial.” I protested.
“That’s what someone in denial would say.” Dylan contested. I looked at him and exhaled slowly in defeat.
“You know what, I have hockey to get to.” I got on my feet.
“I just think you need to hear the truth.” Dylan said.
“Just because you want to believe it doesn’t make it the truth.” I muttered. Just then, Lizzy popped out of nowhere, as usual, and stood next to me before Dylan could respond.
“Hi.” Lizzy said to Dylan before handing me my bag.
“Hi.” Dylan said but I could tell our discussion had left him a bit sour.
“This is my sister, Lizzy,” I said to Dylan “Lizzy, this is Dylan.”
“I gotta go.” Dylan said with a nod towards Lizzy. “See you around.”
“Bye.” I said dragging Lizzy with me.
“What’s up with that guy?” Lizzy asked, glancing over her shoulder to look at him.
“What isn’t up with Dylan that rubs everyone off all weird?” I said to myself with a smile.
“I think he’s cute.” Lizzy said when she realised I wouldn’t answer her question. “Wait a minute! Is that the Dylan you had a thing for?”
“I didn’t have a thing for Dylan. I had a reaction to Dylan the first time I saw him. That means absolutely nothing right now.” I hissed at Lizzy.
“Same difference if you ask me.” She said with a smirk.
“I don’t like him that way.” I insisted
“May be but I still think he’s cute.” Lizzy concluded
So instead of going to stalk Aidan, I spent the afternoon playing hockey. With anger, I hit the ball further than I would on other days but sometimes anxiety would capture me and I’d hit the ball weaker than I would if I was sick. The practise was erratic. Chuck, as my team leader, was getting impatient with me and my mood swings. On a couple of occasions she almost hit me with her hockey stick. Practise took longer than usual or it just felt like that. Lizzy waited for me, she didn’t mind. She got the chance to catch up with almost everyone and flirt with the hot hockey guys. Lizzy never played sports owing to her condition but thanks to me she was considered the main cheerleader of hockey even though she wasn’t an actual cheerleader.
I was very quiet all the way home. Lizzy was on her phone so she didn’t bother me. I gathered my thoughts; weighed my situation and analysed the outcome. Even having done all that I was still unable to make sense of what was going on and why I cared so much. So by the time I was done with supper I had decided that there was one thing to do. I’d stop kicking and screaming and I’d just relax. Go with the flow. Not a very sane idea but I didn’t think I was facing a very sane situation.
After school the next day, which was Wednesday, I prepared myself to go face Aidan. There was no hockey practise so I didn’t have anything to worry about except my reaction to whatever awaited me when I would see Aidan. Would I be overcome by anger that I’d bite his head off or would I break down and cry in his face? Neither of the two seemed like anything I would resort to  but then again I wasn’t the kind of girl to be so attached to a guy. So I braced myself for the blind walk into a dark dangerous zone.
I was barely out of the gate when I heard someone call my name. I needed to go before I lost my nerve and chicken out completely but I turned to look behind me. Dylan came running to catch up with me. I could have punched him when he stopped right in front of me. Of all the people, Dylan knew what my plan was and yet there he was stopping me.
“What is it, Dylan?” I asked with a hint of annoyance.
“I thought you could do with some moral support.” He sneered.
“You got to be kidding me!” I looked at him suspiciously “You told me not to go. You said I should let him go. In fact, you told me to get over it and that was just this morning.”
“I know. But you’re in so deep. I just want to make sure you don’t make a complete ass of yourself and hate yourself later.” He explained walking out the school gate. I was staggered but followed him out.
“You promise you will stop me from doing anything retarded?” I asked after a while.
“That’s why I’m coming.” He reminded me.
“I just…I just,” I stuttered “I hope he’s okay.” Dylan looked at me, making me explain my point further. “For my conscience, you know. I’d hate to have been selfishly freaking out when something was totally wrong in his life.”
“I hope he realises.” Dylan whispered after ignoring my last statement.
“Realises what?”
“How much you care about him. And, I hope you’re not wasting your time.” He said looking at the ground.
If ever I’d seen a bad idea, this was it. I don’t know what I was thinking letting Dylan come with me. He was too cynical about the whole situation. I felt so unsure about my plan when he was around. But he seemed to genuinely care about me so I let him come along. I did need someone to keep me from making a fool of myself.
Having gone to the restaurant by car more times than I did on foot, walking felt like torture. Or maybe the distance seemed longer because I was on a mission that sensible people don’t always go on. But I had to go. I had to make sure that he was okay. I’d rather Aidan be a cowardly jerk than for something to have happened to him. What bothered me so much about this was that I knew tonnes of jerks but they didn’t disturb me half as much as Aidan being a jerk did. That was it, though, I believed that deep down inside Aidan wasn’t capable of being a jerk.
There it was, floating swiftly away; my last shred of wisdom. I couldn’t deny it. I wasn’t capable of thinking ill of Aidan. A guy who’d shown me a great time week after week and then vanished without a phone call. What made me so sure he didn’t do this type of thing often? I cared about the well-being of a guy who lived like (or with, either way neither is acceptable) a pig. I was concerned about a jerk who didn’t have the courage to tell me he couldn’t me what I’d done wrong. Who does that? Maybe I should have started a Facebook group for morons like me, instead of indulging my weakness.
“I have to go home.” I said suddenly stopping in my tracks.
“Too late.” Dylan said pulling me by the arm “We’re already here.”
“But I can still walk away. I’m so close to going insane.” I whispered covering my face in my hands.
“Come on. Everyone knows you’re insane, it’s like your handicap.” Dylan’s hand reached up and gently removed my hands from my face. I must have looked as horrified as I felt because he managed to smile. “You’re not alone, I’m here. Okay?”
I nodded and let Dylan walk me into the restaurant. My eyes searched the whole place but I didn’t see Aidan anywhere. We sat down as casually as possible. Well, at least Dylan was casual about our trip. I couldn’t keep my eyes from darting all over the place to the slightest sound and movement.
“Stop it,” Dylan whispered. “You’ll get us chucked out of this place.”
“I can’t see him.” I sighed.
Then a waitress came to our table. I knew almost all the people who worked there. I was a regular.
“Hey! Is it Thursday already?” she asked with a smile I couldn’t return.
“No, I’m just here with a friend.” I said without looking at her, my eyes were out of control.
“What can I get you?” she asked. I could tell that she was somehow offended by my behaviour.
“Can you give us a second to settle down” Dylan emphasized the last part as he glared at me.
“Is Aidan here?” I suddenly blurted out. The anxiety was killing me.
“Aidan?” the waitress repeated with scepticism “He hasn’t been in the whole week.”
“Why? Has he called in sick?” I asked the concern powering the questions.
“He didn’t call in or anything.” She said. “So do you want anything to eat or drink?”
“No, we’re good. Thank you so much.” I said getting up to leave. I walked out as quickly as I could. It was as though the restaurant had been sucked out of air. I heard Dylan mutter some apology to the waitress as he followed me outside. I was hyperventilating, or something mildly similar.
“I have to go to his apartment.” I said struggling to breathe.
“Gees, Chris, calm down.” Dylan suddenly held my hands to stop me from moving. The panic I felt was causing my legs to move in a crazy pattern.
“What if something happened to him?” I said unnecessarily loud.
“You can’t go to his apartment right now.” He said. Just then my phone began to vibrate in my pocket. Hoping it was Aidan, I pulled it out like it was on fire. But it was my dad. Reluctantly, I answered.
“Hello?” Anxiety was still evident in my voice.
“Hi, darling. Are you on your way home?” he asked.
“Not yet, dad.” I answered trying to sound calm.
“Well, Jason wants to know where you are. Wouldn’t want to be late for supper, right?” He reminded me
“I’m at the restaurant Lizzy and I always hang out at on Thursdays.” I said in defeat.
“I’ll let him know. Just wait right there.” Dad would never let me be late for supper. The fact that I had been mugged before sealed the fact.
“Okay, see you in a bit.” I hung up and looked at Dylan. He was looking at me with worry in his eyes.
“Are you going home?” he finally asked.
“Yeah,” I said flatly.
“Look, I’m sorry about this guy.” He said sincerely.
“You never say his name.” I pointed out.
“Am I expected to? The guy has caused you more hurt than happiness. That’s far from honourable to me.” Dylan’s response stabbed me like a dagger in the heart. Before I could say anything to defend Aidan, Jason pulled over next to the pavement.
“I gotta go.” I said stepping in to hug him “Thank you for coming with me.”
“It was my pleasure. It’s not every day you see someone creep into insanity.” He chuckled.
“Do you need a ride? We can drop you off somewhere.” I said opening the door.
“No it’s cool, my mum’s coming to pick me up.” He said. I got into the car and waved at him. Dylan just nodded and smiled. I kept my eyes on him without blinking as we drove away. As soon as I couldn’t see him, I blinked once and all my worry flooded my insides and I knew if I didn’t work on it I would surely drown.
Lizzy was waiting for me when I arrived. She knew what I’d planned to do that afternoon. The look on my face made her not ask anything other than “What happened?” which she wouldn’t have asked if she’d waited to see my face first before she spoke. I didn’t have time to explain much before mum called us to eat. I dug into my meal quietly while Lizzy talked more than usual to cover up for my mood. It worked a bit but occasionally mum would throw a question at me to check if I was still mentally at the table.
When we were in the safety of our bedroom, Lizzy hounded me with questions. I sat motionless on my bed as I recollected the afternoon that seemed to drag forever. Lizzy found it absolutely fascinating that Dylan had come with me. It was as though she would prefer it if I was with Dylan rather than Aidan.
“Don’t say it!” I warned her.
“Say what?” Lizzy asked defensively.
“Anything about Dylan and me.”
“It’s not my fault I’m very observant.” She looked at me with a puckish smile.
“I believe you speak these things into being.” I accused. Of course that was rubbish but I had proof that said otherwise. “Look at poor Heather, she can’t stop ogling at Luke.”
“Fine, I won’t say it but I know you know I’m right to think it.” She said before she allowed me to continue telling her of how I made an idiot of myself to the waitress.
“And dad called so I came home.” I ended my pathetic story.
“Aidan probably knew you were a bit off the chain so he stopped going to work.” Lizzy said and burst out laughing.
“I’m strangely worried about him.” I confessed when she finally stopped rolling around the bed.
“Yeah, you’ve always been the strange type. Falling for the strange guy and being strangely worried. Sounds like you.” Lizzy mocked me.
“Seriously though,” I began but Lizzy cut me off.
“Seriously though, you’re acting like a retard.” Lizzy interjected “I blame myself, should have thrown you into a den of boys to prepare you for scumbags like Aidan.”
“Aidan is not a scumbag!” I screamed. Lizzy looked at me like I was a complete fool.
“Aidan wooed you with the I-saved-your-life story, an awesome bed and then didn’t call. What do you think scumbags do?” Lizzy stated.
“It wasn’t a story. He saved my life. And I liked him before I knew that fact. And he told me he loved me.” I reminded her.
“Maybe he spent the whole weekend trying to gather the courage to tell you that he’s not into you anymore but he is such a cowardly jerk that he failed to at the end of it!” Lizzy argued.
“How can you say that?” I threw my head on the pillow.
“I’m just saying, you have to be careful not to ignore all the signs.”
“I want to listen but I can’t believe you. Why?” I said throwing my head on the pillow.
Lizzy came over to my bed and sat down gently. She studied my face intensely, felt my forehead, checked my pulse with great concentration and finally she sighed and shook her head.
“Dilated pupils. Racing heart. Feverish temperature. Withdrawal symptoms. Say ‘Aidan’ for me.” She said softly.
“Aidan.” I barely got the name out in between giggles.
“You can’t even say his name with a straight face. Couple that with the stupid look you’ve been carrying on your face; it can only be one thing…” She paused.
“Don’t say it!” I screamed hitting her with a pillow.
“I’m sorry, darling.” She exaggerated an upper class English accent.
“Lizzy NO!” I protested.
“It can only be LOVE.” She shouted on top of my groaning.
“You’re evil.” I declared with fits of laughter.
“I only speak what I see, child.” She said jumping onto her bed. “You should ask Dylan, I’m sure he has experience of his own.”
“Don’t start with the Dylan thing.” I complained as I got under my covers.
“Why? Because you know I’m right.” Lizzy said picking up her book. I didn’t answer. “Just don’t string him along for your own good while you hurt him.”
“Maybe I can hook him up with you…” I threatened. She let out a laugh.
“He’s very cute but I don’t do infants.” She said grimly. “Besides he killed his friend for a scholarship!” With that she started laughing uncontrollably.
“Was I the only one who didn’t know about that?” I didn’t laugh as I sunk into my bed.
“Looks like. It’s a good thing he doesn’t drive anymore, I’d be worried about you hanging out with him.” She said as she started reading the book.
I felt much better after talking to Lizzy. She always made me laugh. But the time between when we exchanged bedtime sign outs and my finally falling asleep, I was enveloped with worry. Nothing I could do at that moment helped. I just took the dosage of fear with amusement of how much I cared for Aidan. The only people I’d worried about all my life were always tucked safely under the roof of my house so I rarely exercised that part of my brain.  
I woke up the following morning with a strong urge to bunk. I didn’t particularly think of myself as a perfect student but I never bunked, not saying I didn’t entertain the thought often. That Thursday was different. I wanted to see Aidan. I needed to see him. I felt like I was suffocating but not like in the normal way. It was like someone or something was slowly taking out the air around me. My heart literally hurt. I seriously thought that being hit by a bus would be more pleasant than what I was feeling. I considered pretending to be sick but that would have meant I’d have to stay in bed the whole day. That was so painful to imagine. I had to see Aidan so I carried my heavy soul to school just to have a chance to make sure Aidan was fine.
“Lizzy, do you mind if we don’t meet at the restaurant today?” I asked. I could hear the sorrow in my voice, I wondered if Lizzy could too.
“Why? Is this about Aidan?” She came to stand right in front of me. I couldn’t look her in the eyes but I nodded.
“You don’t have to say it. I know you think I’m being silly.” I said in a low weak voice.
“I wanted to wish you luck, actually.” Lizzy said taking hold of my hands. If I hadn’t been feeling too weak, they’d probably be shaking.
“Please, tell me I’m an idiot. I want to be an idiot because I can’t continue like this. I have to see him, get some closure, I think.” suddenly emphasizing how pathetic I felt in my cracking voice. Lizzy just smiled at me.
“Of course you’re an idiot. But this is happening and you have to deal with it the way you need to. That’s what makes you president of idiots. You take your idiocracy in strides.”
“Thanks Lizzy. I needed that.” I said with a smile. It felt different to smile; different in a bad way.
“I’ll call up the girls and I’ll meet up with them.” Lizzy said after a while. “Unless, you want me to come with you.”
“Nah, it’s cool.” I said thoughtfully “If I breakdown and sob like the idiot I am, I promise I’ll call you to come get me.”
“I get to pick what mental institution to place you in.” Lizzy added.
“Deal.” I concluded the discussion.
I wasn’t in the mood for any of Dylan’s tricks. When he went with me to the restaurant I knew that the good mood, the mood I liked, would be short lived. He watched my solemn expression all through the classes we shared. He even sat opposite our lunch table, watching me with the same condescending eyes.
“So what’s up with you?” Chuck asked. She looked me over briefly before returning her concentration to her food.
“I don’t follow. What are you talking about?” I was buying time to come up with a believable story in case she meant what I was worried she meant.
“You know,” she said casually. “Isn’t Thursday like your afternoon with Lizzy?”
“Yeah, but I need to take care of something personal.” I answered.
“Something personal without Lizzy?” Heather asked charily.
“I remember you came along when Lizzy broke up with me. Then again I wasn’t surprised, it felt like I was dating the both of you when I was with Lizzy.” Matt added as thought I hadn’t understood what Heather had said.
“Lizzy is helping me by letting me do this alone.” I explained.
“Whatever.” Chuck breathed. “This gives me more time with Lizzy so I’m not complaining, just curious.”
“You’re welcome.” I said throwing an impish smile at Chuck.
After school, Dylan was waiting for me. Jason was also waiting for me so that gave me a good reason to blow off Dylan. I walked past him not even stopping to acknowledge his existence.
“I take it you’re going to his place.” He said following behind me.
“You can also take it that I know you think I shouldn’t. So don’t bother.” I didn’t even look at him, neither did I slow down.
“Please don’t do this, Chris.” Dylan suddenly grabbed my arm. I was surprised at him, then, I was surprised with myself. His grip was firm and strong but it didn’t hurt. It felt warm and gentle. I had planned to snap at him but the way he looked at me stifled the anger.
“Don’t do what, Dylan? Walk away without listening to you point out what an idiot I am?” I snapped.
“No, don’t let him do this to you.” He said surprisingly soft.
“He’s not doing anything. I just need to see him. Can’t you see? For some weird reason I’m falling apart.” I would have cried the words out if I wasn’t working extra hard to contain myself.
“How do you know that seeing him will make you feel better? Maybe there’s another way?” Dylan asked.
“Another way?” I was listening.
“Yes, maybe you need someone to remind you of what you’re worth instead of chasing this loser to get that answer. Maybe you’re wasting your time with a jerk when you have already found what you truly need.” He spoke so gently, his emotions were riding his words.
For what seemed like an eternity Dylan stared into my eyes. He had stopped talking but his eyes continued to plead his case. I was too anxious to fully grasp what Dylan was trying to say or maybe I just didn’t want to hear it or accept it. Slowly, I shook my head. I couldn’t deal with Dylan at that moment. I wasn’t going to let him side track me. I stepped back, his grip on my arm loosened until his hand fell to his side.
“I don’t have time for your riddles.” I whispered and walked to the car. This time Dylan didn’t follow. I slid quietly into the car. From the corner of my eye I could see Dylan watching me. The car drove out of the school yard and Dylan disappeared from view.
I braced myself for what awaited me when I got out but bracing one’s self for the unknown is very hard, pointless even. I couldn’t imagine my reaction if something was really wrong with Aidan. Still in the back of my mind I harboured the thought of how I’d take it if it turned out that Aidan simply didn’t like me that’s why he was avoiding me. But a large part of me, ninety-nine point nine percent refused to accept that possibility.
Jason pulled over outside the restaurant that everyone who knew Lizzy and I had grown to know as Lizzy and Chris’s place. I got out and stood on the pavement. Slowly, I entered the restaurant and even with those unsure steps, I was certain of two things. Firstly, I knew that Lizzy would be waiting inside. And I also knew for a fact that Aidan would not be inside. That didn’t stop me from wishing that I’d stroll in and find Lizzy showing Aidan my embarrassing childhood photographs. I didn’t care, as long as I could see him smiling and laughing.
But I spotted Lizzy almost immediately upon entering, sitting in our booth. Never had I been disappointed to see Lizzy. I dragged myself over to our booth and stood in front of our table. Lizzy was smiling, almost hoping it would be contagious enough to rub off on me.  She sipped on her strawberry milkshake. Even though I knew the answer, my eyes began to dart all over the restaurant. At that moment I realised just how strange it was that Lizzy and I had been coming to this place since forever and yet Aidan waltzed into my life and I’d never love this place the same again without him.
“He isn’t here.” But even when Lizzy said those words my eyes didn’t stop their scouting. “I asked the waitress.”
“I’m going to his place. It’s just around the corner. Stall as much as you can and call me when we’re going home.” I dropped my bag onto the seat next to her.
“You sure you don’t want me to come with you? I could kick his ass if he’s fine.”
“Nah, it’s cool. With the way I’ve been feeling, I’ll kick his ass myself. Besides, Chuck would kill me. She’s so excited about spending time with you.”
“If you change your mind…” Lizzy reminded me.
“I know where to find you, I’ll just follow the trail of stunned guys.” I pulled a weak smile but Lizzy could see the agony behind it.
With that I walked – no, I jogged to the place I’d been looking forward to visiting from the day Aidan had taken me to it. I stopped and took a deep breath. I understood that after my next move there would be no turning back and importantly there would be no doubt remaining to whether I’d lost my mind.
I started pounding on the locked door. I used my fist as hard as could until it hurt. I took five second breaks between each knock but no one answered. Finally I gave up and just stared at the door wishing I had x-ray vision to see if anyone was inside ignoring me. My legs refused to leave so I sat down and leaned against the wall next to the door. My anger was about to manifest itself in tears when I heard someone unlocking the door. It swung open and Leo stepped out hesitantly. I jumped up and it looked like I’d given him a heart attack.
“Gees Chris, thought you were the police.” The look on his face was classic. I would have laughed but a greater need within me froze the sad look on my face.
“Where is he? Is he here?” I asked with urgency.
“I haven’t seen Aidan in a while.” Leo said avoiding my eyes.
“Don’t lie to me. I just need to know he’s okay.” Leo looked at me; the horrified expression I’d put on his face sobered into concern.
“Listen Chris, you –“ Leo began.
“I know what you’re thinking,” I said, hushing him mid-sentence. “I’m just another girl who takes rejection really bad but I promise, I just need to know that he’s okay. Convince me that he’s fine, even if you’re lying, and I’ll leave and never return. Of course I’ll hate him but I can leave with that but not this worry.”
“This is bad.” Leo said as though he was talking to himself.
“I’m not looking for your pity.” I sighed. Leo was becoming another member of the club of people who thought I was pathetic.
“I shouldn’t do this.” He opened the door wide and stepped aside “Come inside.”
“He’s here?” I asked as I walked into what I knew would be my next favourite hang out spot once it was up and running.
“Not right now but he hasn’t been leaving this place. He won’t tell me what’s going on.” Leo explained.
“So why am I coming in? I don’t really need to see him.” Suddenly I was feeling panicked. Could I take rejection in the face?
“You can wait for him. He’ll be right back.” Leo said interrupting my internal fight.
I thought about leaving but something in Leo’s voice made me decide to follow him upstairs. The living room looked worse than the last time I visited. Leo began to try to clear the couch but when I finally saw the bit of brown from the couch I told him not to bother. It reminded me of Aunt Rach’s couch and just the thought made shudder. Instead, I told Leo that I’d wait in Aidan’s room.
I opened the door but didn’t immediately go inside. I just stood for a second trying to see what was different. Nothing seemed out of place, except he had a laptop now. The bed was as flawless as all the times I’d seem it. And just like before I avoided it and sat on the floor next to the bed. The dragon-sized butterflies awoke in my tummy and began to play violently.
As the time passed slower than usual I contemplated leaving without telling Leo. But that plan would have flopped embarrassingly because the door that led outside would probably be locked. I closed my eyes and rested my head on the bed. I didn’t know what I’d say to Aidan but I also knew that thinking up a possible conversation would fail because I had no idea why he hadn’t returned my calls.
Just as I was about to give up and leave, he walked in. At first he didn’t notice me so I watched him place his bag in the wardrobe. My heart broke off into a sprint and I held my breath. My eyes refused to blink as I watched him enter. Impossible as it sounds, I could smell his familiar deodorant.
As he was closing the door he saw me sitting, legs pulled up against my chest. If he was shocked, it didn’t register on his face. My heart continued to race, not because I was scared but because I was so happy to see him, happier than I thought I’d be.
“Leo.” He groaned under his breath.
“I’m not here as a stalker even though that’s what it looks like.” I said getting up. My voice was surprisingly stable. “I can leave if you want.”
“I don’t want you to leave.” He didn’t move. Neither did I.
“I’ve been going crazy worried about you.” I said. My voice was rising slowly. I began to remember why I had gone to see him.
“I’m sorry. You don’t have to.” He said. Neither of us moved.
“Well, why have you not returned my calls?” I asked.
“It’s complicated.” He said through gritted teeth.
“I think you and I both know that that’s not the issue. Our relationship is built on complications.” I said with a smile.
“Fair enough.” He said. The smile had worked, he was coming to me.
“You haven’t been going to work either.” I pointed out. “It’s that bad?”
“Andrew has been looking for me. And now he’s found me.” Aidan was now towering over me. I was looking up into his eyes.
“I didn’t know that. Why is he looking for you?” I asked trying to keep the worry out of my voice.
“Looking is sugar coating.” Aidan smiled. “Andrew has been trying to hunt me down. He wants to make me pay for killing Adam and then abandoning him.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that before?” I whispered. I was shocked. I was scared for Aidan who seemed not to mind. That was fine, I was scared enough for the both of us.
“Well, I started telling you last week. You kinda freaked out so I thought it was best to stop there.” Aidan reminded me.
“But that doesn’t explain why you’re not talking to me and avoiding me.” I pointed out.
“You sort of ruined the plan by showing up.” Aidan said stepping closer to me but he didn’t touch me. He was making it so hard for me to think clearly. I could feel his breath dancing on my face. “I didn’t want you to come here because he has a few men in town. They’re watching me. I’m trying to protect you.”
“Well, they’re not doing a good job.” I said as I tried to breathe through my mouth too.
“How do you figure?” Aidan asked.
“Isn’t the point of watching someone making sure you’re not noticed?” Aidan laughed. It sent my heart racing faster than before.
“They’re not meant to be discrete. They’re meant to send a message.” He pointed out.
“What does that have to do with me?” This time he put his arms around my waist and kissed my forehead. The feeling of his light lips on my bronzed skin felt comforting.
“They might try getting to me by using you. And if they do that I’ll have no choice but to kill someone.” He lifted my face so that I was looking at him.
“You’re kidding, right?” I was suddenly panicked, not for Aidan but for the other guys.
“I wish I was. You have no idea how much you mean to me.” He said and then he laughed; more like a scoff. “I, myself, have no idea how much you mean to me.” And then he kissed me lightly.
“So, now that I’ve ruined your perfect but painful plan?” I asked as I tried to breathe through my mouth again. I was feeling light headed. It wasn’t lack of oxygen that was making me feel faint. He had that effect on me.
“I was planning on leaving town for a while but now I have to leave in the next few days.”
“Leave? For how long?” I complained like a spoilt brat.
“As long as I have to.” He said with a smile.
“Could you be a bit more vague?” I said sardonically.
“I can’t give you what I don’t have.” He said. He clearly hated the idea as much as I did.
“I want you… safe.” I whispered. And then an idea came to me. “Give me a few weeks.”
“I don’t understand. What are you talking about?” he studied my serious expression.
“In a few weeks, I’ll be eighteen and school will be over. Hide out. Stay safe and then in a few weeks come back and…” Before I could finish explaining he had silenced me with a finger on my lips.
“If you’re suggesting I come back to uproot you from your family the answer is no.” He said trying to smile at my plan.
“Have you noticed how insane I’ve been going? I can’t live like this.” I said hysterically.
“Actually I know how insane you’ve been going.” He said as he let go of me and sheepishly smiled
“How do you know exactly? Leo said you haven’t been leaving this place.” I said trying to get him to look at me.
“Remember when you got mugged?” he sighed and finally looked into my eyes “I bugged your phone before I returned it.”
“You what!?” I screamed.
“I wanted to know you were safe.” He said defensively. “Before you think of a punishment for me; I have to say it was absolutely excruciating to listen to you talk to that Dylan guy!” Now it was my turn to laugh. “I agree with Lizzy, the guy likes you.”
“You listened to all my conversations?” I punched him on the chest.
“Only when you had your phone close to you. Sometimes it was in your bag so I didn’t hear much. And for the record it was really hard because I missed you so much.” He whispered.
“Has anyone ever told you that you define creepy in an attractive way?” He laughed with me. It was official; Aidan’s laugh was my new most favourite sound. “So, it’s settled. We can’t stand being apart then let me come with you.” I said putting my arms around him. My arm looked darker against his skin but I loved the contrast.
“You’ll survive. It won’t be that bad.” He said responding to my hug by holding me tighter.   
“Only if I know you’re okay. Lizzy thinks I love you and Lizzy knows me better than I know myself.” I confessed. “Then again, you already knew that, considering you were listening in.”
“Well, I know that I love you that is why I can’t take you from your family and ruin your life.” He said leaning away so that he could see my face.
“Always?” I asked with a smile.
“Always.” He confirmed. I sighed miserably.
I could feel his breath on my face and my mind went numb. His lips touched mine and I knew that there was no turning back. I would always dream of him and anyone else who dared to take his place in my life would have to take second place by a long margin. Anyone who knows me know that I don’t do second best, I always go for the real thing. So as the kiss went on I knew, without a doubt, that Aidan was my first true love. And the kiss sealed this irremediable fact.
“You can’t leave. I have so much I have to tell you.” I said when his lips finally left mine to give us a chance to breathe. I felt him smile. Just then the phone vibrated in my pocket. I leaned in to kiss him but he drew back.
“Aren’t you going to get that?” he asked.
“It’s Lizzy.” I said trying to kiss him again but he kissed me briefly and took the phone out of my pocket himself. I took it from his hands and answered.
‘I’m sorry, I’ve stalled as long as I can. We have to go home.’ Lizzy said from the other end. I gave her directions to where I was and hung up. I looked at Aidan and he smiled, not as convincingly as usual but it was okay.
“Will you still be here tomorrow?” I asked as I fell into his arms. What would I do without this to look forward to?
“I don’t know, but probably not.” He said. We both sighed.
“I’ll just drop by and check after school if you’re still here.” I said pulling him closer. “I haven’t given up trying to convince you to come back for me.”
“I’ll come back for you. But it might be too late. You might have moved on. I wouldn’t really mind as long as you’re happy.” he said breaking from my hold but keeping me close in his arms. I smiled and let him kiss me.
“Is that a promise? You have to come back when the dust clears and make it up to me because it’s rude to keep a lady waiting,” I whispered against his lips “and that’s what I’ll be doing; waiting for you.”
“You don’t mean that.” He said sceptically.
“Obviously, you don’t know about my famous tenacity. As I said, I have so much to tell you.” I said with a smile. My phone began to vibrate again. “It’s Lizzy. They’re waiting outside.”
We walked out to the road. Stepping out felt like the sign we needed to realise that this was it. We looked into each other’s eyes without saying a word knowing that the only words we could say were farewell words, so I guess the silence was best. And then we hugged and kissed for the last time. Reluctantly, I left him as I walked to the car. He stood, as usual, watching me leave. He waved goodbye when I turned to look at him for the last time and that was the end. The car drove off and I closed my eyes as the tears once again flooded my eyes and streamed down my cheek. How had I managed to be brave in his face? I felt Lizzy’s arms around me and that was all I needed to let go off all inhibitions as I cried freely.