RAIN DANCE

Four

Early Sunday morning before Aidan and I drove back to school, I went to Dylan’s house. Aidan wanted to come with me but I convinced him not to. The last thing I needed was for Aidan to make matters worse by being around. When I arrived, Dylan’s mum was as gracious as always. She thought of me as part of her family, which only made this harder for me. She let me in and told me I could go straight to Dylan’s room. He was still sleeping.
I crept to his bed and paused just inches from his bed. He looked so sweet when he was sleeping. I watched him for a few minutes, trying to stifle the urge to leave. I hadn’t spoken to him in months. Okay, I’d spoken; he hadn’t answered back. I wondered how he’d react when he woke up to find me standing there. I touched his bared shoulder lightly. He twitched a little but didn’t wake up so I had to shake him for him to wake up. He groaned and opened his eyes. He frowned naturally from being disturbed but his frown intensified when he realised that I was actually in his room.
He was rolling over to give me his back as he spoke; “Who let you in?”
“Your mum.” I said as I sat on the bed. “Why haven’t you been returning my calls? A few weeks are okay but months? That’s just juvenile.”
“Are you done?” he asked grumpily when I was finished blowing a bit of the steam I couldn’t contain
“Hardly.” I said as I pulled the covers to his waist.
“Hey!” he protested.
“I miss you.” I said softly. “Just tell me how long you’re going to avoid me?”
“I don’t know. How long is that guy going to be around?”
“He’s not going anywhere, Dylan.” I said as I looked at the ring.
“Then that answers your question.” Dylan mumbled.
“Why do you hate him so much?” I asked.
Dylan sighed and shook his head. That was obviously a dumb question but I had asked it before I had thought it through.
“I came to tell you something.” I said trying to turn him over.
“Will you leave?” he asked as he turned to look at me.
I lifted my chin like I was going to nod but smiled and shook my head slowly. Dylan rolled his eyes and continued to frown.
“He proposed and I said yes.” I waited as the words sunk in. His expression shifted from annoyed to pained but he said nothing. I didn’t want to say anything else but I had to wrap up.
“I wanted to tell you myself.” I was whispering at that point, I thought maybe that would make my words less painful for him.
“Can you leave now?” he said through gritted teeth. I almost cried. He was pushing me away.
“Your mum is the best planner. I am hoping she takes on my wedding.” I continued like I hadn’t heard him. “I’ll send you an official invite.”
He looked away from me and cleared his throat. “Get out, please.” He said gruffly. I got up slowly and walked out. I felt so terrible. The only up side to my visit was that I didn’t bump into his mum on my way out.
I decided to drive around a little – little turned into hours. I wasn’t actually driving most of the time. I just drove around and then I went to catch a movie. I sat through it, glaring at the screen but hardly seeing what was going on. It was only afterwards that I realised that it was a comedy. I hadn’t paid any attention to it. All I could think about was Dylan.
Aidan was waiting in the driveway with Lizzy when I got home. He looked worried and angry when I arrived and then he looked relieved. I got out slowly and waited to see what he’d say first before I went over to him for a hug.
“Where have been? We were supposed to leave an hour ago.” He said. I could hear the anger in his voice but his creased forehead implied worry.
“I’m sorry. I went to a movie after seeing Dylan.” I confessed.
“It went that bad, hey?” Lizzy asked. My sad eyes focused on her and she shrugged. “I’ll go get your luggage.”
I watched Lizzy leave and then Aidan pulled me into his arms. I rested my head numbly on his shoulder and my hands remained limp at my sides. I know I shouldn’t have let him comfort me since I was grieving over another guy but I couldn’t push him away. I felt I needed to be in his arms to prove something to myself. I needed to prove to myself that even though I was aching for Dylan, with Aidan was where I had to be always even if it meant I lost Dylan to be in them.
The drive back was quiet. The car felt smaller and tighter, forcing me to realise that the silence that was in the space was crushing Aidan and I. Occasionally, I caught him watching me with worry and it sadden me knowing that it wasn’t misplaced worry. As much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t reach out to him or let him in. I felt horrible but not horrible enough to fix things. I ended up closing my eyes and pretending to be asleep but even then the tension was painfully thick, threatening to suffocate us.
We arrived at the apartment late afternoon. I maintained my sour attitude but Aidan continued to entertain it. I was hurting him but I kept thinking about how much I’d hurt Dylan. I knew this would happen when I told him about Aidan and I but nothing could have cushioned his reaction. I felt like a monster. Why couldn’t I have had a big enough heart to love both of them? Stupid as that thought was, I entertained it guiltily. But as I felt Aidan watching me, I knew that there was no way I could be happy loving him half way – Aidan deserved my hundred and ten percentage of love.
“I got that movie you wanted to watch.” Aidan said as I put my clothes into the laundry basket
“Hmmm,” I sounded. I sighed heavily. “Can we watch it tomorrow? I just want to rest, maybe take a long bath.”
“Sure.” Aidan said. He stood aside to give me room to pass by him and out of my bedroom. I made sure I didn’t touch him. “I can run your bath for you.”
“You know what,” I began already regretting the words that were about to come out of my mouth. “I just want to be alone. Do you mind if we call it a night and I’ll come by and see you before I got into school tomorrow?”
Aidan looked at me like I’d slapped him in the face. I watched, sinking lower in guilt, as he nodded and came to where I was standing. He leaned down and kissed my cheek. I closed my eyes, for the first time his touch and kiss felt too soft against my skin, like I couldn’t feel him. I just wanted to be alone. I felt like crap and there was no way to change it. Once he was gone, I took a long bath. I sat in the bath tub until the water was uncomfortably cold and my skin was all wrinkly. I got out of my bath and straight into bed.  
Lizzy was at the apartment when I got back to the apartment after my classes were finished the following day. I hadn’t unlocked the door but I could hear the loud pounding of the music as I fumbled for my keys. I came across my phone and groaned as I saw the three missed calls which were from Aidan. I wanted to call him back but I felt like such a wet blanket. I hadn’t dropped by to see him after school as I had promised so I imagined he was beside himself with fury. I found Lizzy in her bedroom dancing and singing along. She had just stepped out of the shower.
“Hey!” she squealed as she hugged me with enthusiasm and her slightly wet skin created little dark patches on my blue t-shirt.
“Hi,” I said. My greeting lacked the vigour she was freely emitting.
“I had the most amazing date last night.” She was smiling at her reflection in the mirror.
“You had a date last night?”
She sighed but not with deflation in her mood “Not really a date. It was unplanned but so perfect. I couldn’t have dreamed it to life if had had years to plan it.”
I dropped my bag on the floor and sat on her bed. My mood hadn’t improved from the previous night and Lizzy’s glowing just enhanced it but curiosity was slowly getting the best of me.
“Sounds like a fairy tale.” I said blandly
“More like a dream.” She said as she applied lotion on her arms. Her gaze was towards the door but I knew she was no longer with me in the room. She had a blank expression on her face. I couldn’t help smile at her. It was my turn to declare her fate; she was in love.
“So are you going to tell me more about this date?”
She snapped out of her trance and looked at me. The look on her face was undoubtedly worried, scared even. I kept smiling but she didn’t join me as I was expecting. Whatever was on her mind was overriding the bliss she had gotten from her date.
“Did I say something wrong? He doesn’t have three eyes, does he?” I joked with her but again she didn’t ease up.
“Chris,” she began and I knew she was about to drop a bombshell. “The date was with Dylan.”
“Dylan who?” I asked
“Your Dylan.” She confessed. I kept smiling though my heart was breaking as the thought sunk in.
“He’s just Dylan, not mine,” I corrected.
“So,” she paused trying to read past my perfect mask “you’re cool with it?”
“Yeah,” I said with a laugh, praying it’d hide my disappointment. “I’m getting married in four months, remember?”
She took a while and an extra smile to convince her that I was fine with it. Her expression remained worried. She searched my eyes for a weakness but I had already been depressed so she found nothing amiss. She gave up after a while and decided to continue. Once her guard was down, the love-struck expression returned to her face.
“It was the strangest thing. I had gone to our restaurant just to get out of the house and he walked in like minutes later.” She looked at me with a flash of worried but the smile I was determined to keep was plastered on my face, so she continued. I knew she was editing, when she got up and got dressed. Lizzy was the kind of storyteller how never moved when she was reliving an event.
“He came and sat with me. Didn’t really notice me.” She paused to giggle “Guess he was so wrapped up with you he barely noticed me.” 
“The restaurant was just crowded.” I said hoping it sounded like an off-handed statement.
“Yeah, maybe.” Lizzy said. She had stopped to study my reaction.
She smiled at me weakly and continued. “He came and sat with me. We talked for hours. I mean, we just clicked. Like, I can’t explain it.”
“Sounds magical.” I mumbled
“We stayed up most of the night chatting and then he called this morning and took me out for breakfast before I hit the road.” Her story was abruptly over. She looked at me still waiting for my pretence to crumble but I held my stance.
“You know what this means, right?” I said with a sly smile but what I really wanted to do was cry.
“No, don’t say it! It was just one date.” She grinned at my hanging comment.
“I’m sorry,” I said my voice getting louder. “It’s called pay back and I have to say it tastes really sweet.”
“No, trust me. Revenge isn’t all that it’s made up to be.” She said as she picked up her pillow.
My smile grew wider and as I spoke she buried her face into the pillow. “Lizzy, you’re in love!”
The announcement made Lizzy shy and giggly, whilst it made me feel like all the air had been sucked out of the room. I continued to smile at her though my heart was breaking. When I couldn’t take it anymore I went to my room to take a nap. It was just before five o’clock in the evening. Lizzy was getting ready to go out and meet up with some friends. She suggested that I join her but I was in no mood for an outing.
Lizzy was having a sandwich in the kitchen while I lay paralysed across my bed. My eyes were wide open. No one would have guessed the internal fight that raged within me as I tried to stop the tears I wanted so badly to spill. It was when I was about to let the floodgates open up that I heard the knock at the door. I squeezed my eyes shut as I heard Aidan’s voice. A few seconds later my bedroom door swung open. I stopped breathing, closed my eyes and prayed he hadn’t seen me, which was silly because I wasn’t even under my covers. I could hear him approach with caution and then he sat on the bed. Without saying a word he touched my arm but didn’t force me to look at him.
“Hi,” he said softly
I opened one eye slowly and looked at him. I expected him to be angry but he was looking at me with concern I didn’t deserve.
“Are you okay?” he asked when I didn’t say anything.
I nodded.
“You didn’t drop by to see me in the morning. I’ve been trying to call you.” He stated the obvious, horrible truth. Somehow it sounded more horrible coming out of his mouth.
I closed my open eye and tried to bury my face in the pillow. After a few seconds of holding my breath I turned to face him again.
“I’m sorry.” I said pathetically. He touched my cheek and I shrugged away.
“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” he asked.
I sat up and looked at my wardrobe, anything to avoid his gaze.
“You’re really making this hard for me.” I could hear the irritation rising within him as he spoke.
“And I’m just having a picnic!” I snapped. “Why are you here?”
“I’m here because I’m worried about you.” He said, his voice still low but stern. “Do you want me to leave?”
I looked at him. A large part of me wanted him to leave but I knew he wouldn’t understand. I wanted him to leave because I was in bad shape. I didn’t want him to see me like this. But most importantly, I knew that he was hurting more when he was around me and I couldn’t find the strength to make things right for him. And I also didn’t want him to leave because I was scared he’d never come back. A tear rolled down my cheek. I wiped it away quickly.
“Why are you crying? I’m not mad.” He said, suddenly his voice was sympathetic. He tried to reach out to touch me but I moved away from his hand, leaving him staring at me in confusion.
I grabbed my phone and a jacket from the wardrobe.
“Where are you going?” he asked in a pained whisper
I paused at the door. I didn’t turn to look at him. I knew I wouldn’t be able to bare the pain I was about to inflict on him with my decision. “I’m going to see Dylan.”
I bolted out of the room. Lizzy was in the kitchen. I didn’t know how much she’d heard but I didn’t look at her as well. I grabbed the car keys and went straight to the car. The rain was pouring but I didn’t pay any attention to it. I had no idea what I was going to say but at that mument I knew I had to see Dylan. I was about to get married and I hadn’t even given him a chance. Dylan loved me… it’s all I could think about as I drove out of town. I was just out of town when my phone began to ring in my jean pocket. I yanked it out and groaned as I realised that it was Lizzy. I answered it.
“Yeah,” I said into it.
“Pull over.” She instructed. I looked into the rear view mirror and didn’t see Aidan’s car as I expected. “I didn’t say turn around. I said pull over.” She repeated.
I reluctantly did as she was saying.
“Where are you going?” there was a severe abruptness and anger in her words.
“Home.” I lied
“Are you going to see Dylan?” she asked with irritation.
I sighed and confessed “Yes.”
“I want to be angry at you for daring to ruin the best thing that’s going in my life but I can’t be selfish right now when there are bigger things at stake.” She explained. Her voice was acid. “I want you to listen to me, are you listening?”
I nodded “Yeah,”
“I know you’re scared.” She began. “I mean, you just told the guy who’s loved you since forever that you’re getting married. You’re having cold feet, doubts even but that’s just a natural reaction. Ask yourself this one thing; are you willing to lose Aidan on the whim of this what if because that’s what you going to do if you get back on that road. It’s not too late, Chris. Aidan loves you like you won’t believe. He will do anything for you. Please, don’t do this to him… to yourself, because this will be the biggest mistake of your life.” She paused and I heard her sigh. “If you really must go through with this I want you to know that you will rip my heart out too because I think I really like Dylan.”
I tried to wipe the tears that were streaming down my cheeks with my free hand and took a deep breath.
“Thank you.” I whispered after a while of silence.
“Anytime,” Lizzy said before she hung up.
     The rain had started to drizzle. I rested my head on the steering wheel and tried to pull myself together. All the things Lizzy had said were true, as always. I felt guilty for deciding to mess up my relationship with Lizzy because she had fallen for a great guy who liked me. I also felt guilty for the hell I’d put Aidan through because of my childish worry. I loved Aidan; I had no doubts about that. I knew without a doubt that if I could replay those last two years of my life I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I had the chance to make things right with Aidan. I knew he’d exercise his right to be mad at me but I’d make it right.
I turned the car around and sped to Aidan’s apartment. His car was in the parking lot. I scrambled out of the car and ran to the door through the light showers.
“Aidan!” I shouted as I pounded on the door. “Aidan, please open the door!”
He didn’t respond but as my knocking got more urgent he opened the door slightly. He wasn’t going to let me in. I took a deep breath.
“It’s not what it looked like.” I began but the way he was looking at me got me wishing I could take my words back.
“I see. You haven’t been giving me an attitude because you’re having second thoughts about being with me and just about an hour ago you left me to go see the guy who could replace me.” He said calmly. “Did I miss anything?”
I had so much I wanted to say but nothing seemed right at that moment. Before I knew it I was crying again.
“I don’t have time for this, Chris.” He said as he closed the door. The tears started flowing even more. I turned around and went outside. The rain was still at it. I looked up and saw his window. It was open. I looked at it for a while longer and then before I could chicken out I started to shout.
“Aidan!” I yelled “Aidan, please! Just hear me out. I know you can hear me. You don’t have to look at me, just listen.” I took a deep breath and continued. “Look, I’m so, so, so sorry. You’re the most amazing guy. You deserve the world and I took you for granted. I was being such a stupid, cowardly fool…not that I’m saying you should be with a fool like me−” I paused. What was happening to my good speech? I took another deep breath. “Being with you will be the best thing in my life. I want to make things right. I’ll fix things. I want you, no one but you.”
I looked at the window hopelessly. I waited hoping he’d come to the window. What would I do next if he didn’t? If I left, it’d make the situation worse. I needed to fix things there and then.
“Chris,” I almost got a heart attack. Aidan was standing at the building entrance watching me.
I almost smiled. “I’m sorry about the shouting.”
“It’s not the shouting as much as the fact that you were totally embarrassing yourself that bothers me. You didn’t have to do that to get my attention.” He said stepping into the rain.
I almost protested but decided against it. “I am so sorry.”
“I think I got that part.” He said. He stopped just in front of me.
“I love you.” I whispered. “I love you.”
“Always?” he asked with a smile.
“Always and forever.” I answered him with a smile through the tears.
He stepped closer to me, his eyes gazing into my soul. My legs turned to rubber. When he touched my arms, I almost fainted. His hands were soft and warm. He kissed my forehead and pulled me into his arms…into home.
“I love you, always and forever too.” He whispered against my ear.
I smiled and tucked myself deeper into his arms. We were motionless but this was the best moment of my life. All the dancing I’d done for months and yet that moment felt like the climax of it all. It was my little dance… my dance in the rain.