RAIN DANCE

Two

I thought that missing Aidan would hurt less with each passing day or at least each month but eight months down the road, it still hurt like crazy. I thought about him more, I worried about him more and the pain that accompanied both reactions hurt ten times as much as on the first day he left.
The balcony of the apartment was the hang out spot for two love birds. They were actual ‘love birds’. My regular guests were two birds that were acting in love. I couldn’t tell which type of birds they were, yet alone which one was male and which one was female. I’m sure even if I had the two told apart for me, I’d still mix them up.
But what I could tell was that they were in love. They had a nest and one of them, I’m sure it was the female (female birds do the sitting by the nest thing, right?), would sit on it the whole day. When I got home from work, the male bird would show up. He’d wait patiently in a nearby tree until she got up and went to him. Of course, once she left the nest I couldn’t tell who was who.
They’d sit in the tree or fly around, but not too far from the nest. I’m not sure if birds fly around together out of joy or because it’s their nature but to me they just seemed so happy; which made me sad. I would sit on the balcony and watch them. I wouldn’t think, I didn’t react physically to their cute behaviour but slowly I’d start to fill up. By the time I got up and entered the apartment; I’d be over flowing with sorrow. Strangely enough, every day I looked forward to that ritual of bird watching.
When I went to work I was surrounded by people all through the day. That meant no matter how much I wanted to be anyone else I could only be ‘Christabell Lewis, the intern.’ But when I got home and sat on the balcony I could finally be what I wanted to be. I could be Aidan’s girl waiting nor so patiently for him to come back. I could have taken the easy way out and let my other obligations swallow me, allowing me to forget the pain that came with missing Aidan. So, sue me for wanting to hold on to the most important and most fulfilling part of my life; no matter how painful it felt to keep it alive!
As per routine, after watching my love birds I would enter my apartment and play some music while I ate my dinner. It was Monday evening, while I was having dessert from Chrisadam alone in my apartment that Dylan called me.
“Join me for dinner Wednesday.” Dylan said making me almost choke on my meat.
“Just the two of us?” I asked when I’d managed to swallow properly.
“Yes,” was his answer.
“Just you and me?” I repeated sceptically. I was probably over-reacting but I wasn’t a fool. This would end up being a clear sign of encouragement.
“Yeah.” He answered casually. It was a good thing he couldn’t see the worry all over my face.
“Why?” I asked. My voice was even. I managed to hide how uneasy I was feeling.
“Why not?” he counted. I took a deep breath. Nothing good was going to come from this, but I couldn’t see the huge deal that would grow from it either. Turning him down would be a bigger problem.
“Fine. What time and where?” I muttered into the phone.
I didn’t understand why Dylan insisted on doing this to himself. It wasn’t a secret that I didn’t intend to forget Aidan. Sometimes I wanted to blacklist him from my life but I was too selfish to do it. Dylan was such a huge part of my life now. He was so good to me but what he wanted in return was just too big. So just like this ‘date’ I indulged his unreasonable demands so that I wouldn’t have to push him permanently away.
Wednesday evening came and I went to meet Dylan. I enjoyed Dylan’s company but it took so much effort to pretend like I couldn’t see the intense way he watched me or the inappropriate compliments he paid to me.
“From all you speak about medicine, you sound like you regret doing it.” I said leaning back into my chair.. We were waiting for the bill. I was beginning to actually put my guard down. The evening was coming to an end and nothing horrific had happened.
“Never.” He answered with a smile. “I love it.”
“How so? You’re always complaining about how it’s hard work.” I reminded him.
“You’re always looking depressed and miserable yet you claim you love that guy, how so?” Dylan smirked. And that was the end of a simple date. I looked at him annoyed by his words.
“You can’t help yourself, can you?” I muttered with irritation.
“Did I say something wrong?” he uttered defensively. “I thought you’d be proud that I noticed your efforts to stay with that bastard.”
“You’re impossible.” I groaned. I wanted to slap him for calling Aidan a bastard. My breaths became laboured.
“Now you know how I feel.” Dylan said through gritted teeth. We were both dangerously angry and treading on a mine field but neither of us cared about being careful.
“Face it, Dylan. It’s high time you did.” I spat at him. “I love Aidan, okay? I didn’t choose this.”
“Neither did I.” he snapped. “Do you think I enjoy watching you pine over this loser when I can love you better? Are you that naïve?”
“You love me?” I scoffed and threw my head back. The reaction had shocked me. I was sounding like mum.
“Yes, I love you but you’re too busy taking advantage of me to really enjoy what I have to offer!” Dylan shouted. I was taken aback by his words. They shot right through my heart and left a hole I never expected. I had known I was being selfish needing Dylan in my life but for him to say those words hurt me deep down.
We had been trying to be subtle but at that point people were beginning to stare at us. I got up and grabbed my purse angrily. I was so furious that I was finding it hard to breathe. I had to swallow hard to speak. I opened my dry lips to speak the words that killed our friendship.
“It’s not my fault you’re too daft to take a hint.” I growled before I left. By the time I got to the door the tears were cascading down my cheeks. I was already regretting the words we’d exchanged. I stopped at the door to catch my breath. Why didn’t I just take the high road? I wanted to go back and apologise but I decided against it. For the first time that week I was glad my car was at the garage. There was no way I was going to drive in the state I was in.
By the time I got home I could barely see. I was still crying and I felt worse than scum. My head was aching and my heart was broken. I couldn’t stop cursing myself and when I thought about how Dylan was probably feeling I cried even more. How could anyone say those things to someone else? Nothing I could think of could justify my behaviour. I crawled into bed without bothering to remove my shoes. I just curled up into a ball and let the tears flow. My phone was ringing in my purse. I knew it wasn’t Dylan so I let it ring. After three more missed calls, I knew it was Lizzy. I closed my eyes but the tears still spilt out. I don’t even know when I fell asleep.
The next morning I woke up but didn’t want to open my eyes. I didn’t need to look into the mirror to know that my eyes were swollen, maybe not red but definitely swollen. I felt like a mess, I was pretty sure I looked like one too. I dragged myself out of bed and retrieved my phone from my purse. I had eight missed calls. All of them were from Lizzy. It wasn’t until I had coffee in my hands that I called her back.
“Where the hell were you scaring me out of my mind like that!?” she snapped. No hello, not even an angry one. I wasn’t really expecting much else, though. Lizzy knew I would never ignore her call on purpose. But this time I had. I had deliberately missed her calls because the last thing I needed was to talk to anyone.
“I was crying.” I said my voice was unsurprisingly hoarse from all the crying.
“Why?” her voice was suddenly sympathetic.
“Dylan and I got into a fight.” I said trying hard to clear my voice.
“Before or after dinner?” she asked curiously but unnecessarily. Lizzy was very much into the details.
“After.” I took a sip of my coffee. I couldn’t help but sigh. “We both said things we can’t take back. It was ugly.”
“I’m so sorry.” Lizzy sighed too.
“You told me it was coming.” I reminded her as I made my way to the mirror to examine my swollen eyes. I groaned at the sight that greeted me.
“Don’t mean I’m happy about it.” Lizzy said.
“My eyes are swollen. I’m going to look horrible today.” I sighed and looked aside. “Enough about that; why were you desperately trying to reach me?”
“Well, the first two calls were out of excitement but then I got really worried.” Lizzy explained.
“Then drive down and see me this weekend and tell me in person what has you this excited.” I whined. I really needed Lizzy’s shoulder to lean on.
“Actually that’s why I was trying to call you. Ty invited me to join him and a bunch of his friends for an adventure this weekend. We leave tomorrow.” I could sense the excitement in her voice. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was in no condition to indulge her ecstatic mood. I needed the old Lizzy, I realized guiltily.
“You know, I don’t have to go.” She said quickly when I didn’t respond.
“What? No! It’s – go. I’ll be fine.” I said trying to sound convincing. My stuttering didn’t help much.
“No, really, I’m coming home. It’s been a while, anyway.” She insisted.
“No, Lizzy. I’ll see you next weekend. I don’t want to argue. I have to get ready for work.”
“Okay.” Lizzy said quietly. She wasn’t entirely persuaded but at least she didn’t press the case further. “I love you.”
“Love you too.” And then I hung up.
I was facing a weekend with my parents, fabulous. And I mean that in the most sarcastic way ever. Friday, straight after work, I did my routine stop by Chrisadam to pick up something for dessert before I went home. Mum and dad were happy to see me. I guess I was the only one not thrilled about the visit. I was glad to be home but there was something on my mind.
I wanted to know where Dylan was. I couldn’t help wondering. It was none of my business but it’s not like I could shut off caring about him because I broke his heart. I took a deep breath and dialed his number. I waited nervously as it rang but he didn’t pick up. No surprise there. It went to voice mail.
“Dylan, hi.” I sighed, feeling like an idiot. “I wanted to let you know that I’m not at the apartment. I’m at home for the weekend. But if you want to spend the night there, you know where the key is.” I closed my eyes and tried to think of anything else to say. “Okay, then. Bye.”
I looked at my phone and threw it on the bed. I wasn’t going to let Dylan do this to me. He was not going to side track me. The more time I spent angry at myself about the fight we had the less time I focused on the reason why we had fought. I loved Aidan, that’s why Dylan and I couldn’t be.
I’d already forgiven him for what he’d said. The big question was if he’d forgive me. I had done worse than call him ‘daft’. I’d rubbed his face in my love for the guy he envied. The only reason why he even envied Aidan was because he had me completely and unconditionally. Even though I knew nothing I could do now would change anything, I went to sleep that night thinking about Dylan. Was I making a mistake picking Aidan over Dylan?

“Chris!”
Mum’s voice sounded distant. It slipped into my dream and confused me. I woke up dazed until I remembered that I was at home. My eyes shot open and I pulled the covers from my head. I groaned as I turned over.
“Umhuh.” I responded to her call.
“Get up!” she yelled. She was standing by the door looking at me.
“Why?” I moaned. “It’s Saturday.”
“We’re going to visit your aunt.” She said as she closed the door. I sat up and ran my hand over my head and groaned again. Of all the weekends to lack plans, I had to be home this weekend! No matter how long I had to mentally prepare for the visit to Aunt Rach, I still didn’t like it.
Aunt Rach came to meet us at the car. Dad had refused to get out so we had spent fifteen awkward minutes in the car. I thought he’d be used to these visits by now but, I guess, for dad visiting his sister was like trip to the dentist…only more often. Mum jumped out and put on her biggest fake smile. I stepped out shyly and let Aunt Rach hug me. Dad got out, finally, but would neither smile nor greet Aunt Rach warmly. At least he had come out without a big fight.
After a few uncomfortable minutes in the house, I decided to go outside. Aunt Rach had a beautiful back yard. I sat under the big tree and admired the wonderful day. It was a bit breezy so I folded my arms around my legs that were pulled up and folded against my chest. Slowly, I closed my eyes… so that I could see Aidan.
My lips pulled into a smile as I began to day dream. We were in each other’s arms on the long couch in Chrisadam. The parlor was empty except for the two of us. He had me lost in the warmth of his arms. I got goose bumps as his breath tickled my ear. I let out a small laugh and then I sighed. It wasn’t real. Well, at least not now.
I opened my eyes just in time to see Aunt Rach coming towards me. I braced myself for her presence.
“Enjoying the outdoors?” she asked.
I nodded and looked away.    
“Do you mind if I join you?” she asked again. For a psychic she seemed to get the simple things wrong, like I how I did mind if she joined me.
“Knock yourself out.” I said quietly. She sat next to me and breathed out nervously. She was just as uncomfortable as I was and yet there she was.
“Where’s Lizzy?” Rachel asked after minutes of heavy silence.
“A short trip with some friends.” I answered curtly. I picked up a twig and started breaking it into small pieces.
“Is that why you’re sad?” She asked. Had we started playing twenty-one questions without me realizing it?!
I frowned as she spoke. Was she seriously trying her psychic crap on me? I didn’t know she could be a therapist too.
“I thought you were psychic?” I smiled to cushion the blow.
“Do you want me to be?” she asked haughtily. I laughed humorously but I didn’t look at her. How could she sound so normal when she led such a sad life?
“I got into a fight with a friend. That’s the reason why I’m a bit sour.” I admitted hoping she’d leave when she realized there was nothing she could say to cheer me up.
“He’ll forgive you.” She said softly. I rolled my eyes.
“Did the ‘Universe’ tell you that?” I asked sarcastically. She laughed heartily. Aunt Rach had the same laugh as dad. I couldn’t help looking at her as did.
“It’s a fact. No one can stay mad at you.” She looked back at me and our eyes met and stayed connected for a while too long. I looked at the pieces of twig I had piled on the ground. I couldn’t help noting that she had Grandma’s eyes too. Unfortunately. There was no way dad could think she was adopted.
“I wish I could say the same about you.” I muttered and proceeded with caution. “Do you ever wish you weren’t…psychic?” the word sounded silly coming from my mouth.
“What’s the point?” she answered calmly. “Life’s too short for regrets.”
“I regret what I said to my friend. I think it’s a fair enough punishment for what I said to him.” My heart broke as I remembered the fight. It shuttered more as I thought of the times Dylan was there for me and made me laugh. I missed him more than I thought I would.
“Nothing beats regret.” Aunt Rach whispered, pulling me out of my nightmare.
Even after minutes of speaking civilly, the atmosphere was still tense.
“Tell me about life as a psychic.” I said lightly trying to change the subject.
“It’s lonely but at the same time it’s not.” She said as a careless smile danced on her lips. “You’re trying to assert my sanity.” It wasn’t a question, more of an accusation.
I laughed and then frowned.
“Could it be possible that you’re so used to people questioning your sanity and that you are beginning to suspect everyone of doing it?” I suggested. She studied my face and raised an eyebrow at me before she smiled weakly.
“I know it’s probably too late but I’m sorry about a few months ago when I brought up that horrible night. It was careless of me.” she said warily evading my suggestion.
“It’s okay. I can’t say you caught me by surprise.” I threw her glance and flashed a quick smile.
“I like you.” She said as she brushed her shoulder against mine. More than a decade later and Aunt Rach still managed to remind me I was adopted in every conversation we had.
“Wow, do you have a degree in averting difficult topics of conversations?” I chuckled.
“And years of experience.” She laughed quietly with me.
I got onto my feet and left Aunt Rach in the shade of tree. Mum and dad were having lunch in the house, something Aunt Rach had forgotten to mention when she came to play Dr. Phil with me. As always, after the late lunch mum said good bye whilst dad waited in the car. Though we had managed to strike up a conversation, I didn’t feel any differently about my aunt.
When we finally got home I went straight for the bathroom. I took a long and hot shower. It helped nothing. I was still angry about Dylan, sad about Aidan and indifferent as far as Aunt Rach was concerned. I guess, I expected the shower to give me an epiphany or comfort for one aspect of my life but I came out with nothing. So as a pick-me-up I decided to go to Chrisadam.
That turned out to be a bad idea. It only helped to intensify my feelings for Aidan. I missed him a lot more. There was a couple sitting our couch, in each other’s arms and looking intently into each other’s eyes. I wanted to leave but, unexpectedly, Leo came in and sat with me. We had very little in common, so we had nothing to talk about. Finally, he left and went upstairs. Rose kept me around. She sat with me for short periods of time. She tried to cheer me up but she failed. I couldn’t seem to be able to smile for long enough to beat the blues.
The bad mood didn’t pass for the following days. I moved around with a grey cloud over my head. Work wasn’t fun and I was starting to dread going in. I took each day worse than the last. It wasn’t until Wednesday end of day that things started to look up. My phone was ringing as I got out of the office. All I could think about was getting to the apartment causing me to almost miss the call.
“Rose?” I answered the phone hesitantly. I had her number but she had never called me.
“Hi, Chris.” She said lively.
“Is something wrong?” I asked anxiously.
“No,” she laughed “I wanted to remind you to come by and pick up your dessert.”
“Why?” I asked skeptically. I hadn’t been going for my dessert since the week had started but it wasn’t like we were talking about prescribed medicine.
“I made it special today.” She said.
“Thanks.” I tried to sound polite “but I’m so tired. I just want to go home and crash.”
“Chris,” she whined. “Please.”
“Okay.” I sighed heavily. “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Rose had managed to make me forget all my stresses and worries. Her phone call was beyond disturbing. She sounded so strange. I was glad I finally had my car back. I drove to Chrisadam dazed by the conversation I’d had with Rose.
She heightened my suspicion when I got to the restaurant as she pretended to be very busy and kept avoiding me.
“Rose?” I said unsurely. I followed her as she dodged towards the counter.
“Hi,” She threw a quick glance at me and smiled politely, like I was a customer. “Your dessert is on the counter.” Then she turned around and walked past me. I raised an eyebrow before I followed after her still.
“That’s it?” I asked. She froze and looked around thoughtfully.
“What more were you looking for? Thought you’d come for your dessert only. Didn’t you say you were exhausted?” she said a little too innocently.
“Could you be a bit more suspicious?” I looked into her nervous eyes. She looked away and pointed me towards the paper bag. “You might not be aware of this, but right now your behavior warrants skepticism.”
“Enjoy.” She said with a smile. I knew I wasn’t going to get anything out of her so I went home. I had intended to watch my love-birds and wallow in my depression over Aidan but my trip to Chrisadam had stolen so much time out of my ritual.
I put the bag with the dessert on the table next to my computer. When I realized that my dessert would probably melt before I actually found time to sit down and enjoy it, I took it to the fridge. Corrine Bailey Rae was softly playing in the apartment. I sang along as I swayed rhythmically to the fridge. I was about to close the fridge door when it dawned on me just how oddly heavy the paper bag was feeling.
Of course, that’s one of those things one notices when they first lift a bag but I’d spent the whole day feeling like a zombie. I was physically trapped on earth but my mind was somewhere completely differently. I had too many things running through my mind causing my numbing depression. I thought about Dylan, maybe not thought, as much as worried. I missed him so bad and that wasn’t the worst part. The horror of missing Dylan was that I knew I had no right to especially since I had crashed his heart. Dylan was the only who called just to say ‘hi’ or just to find out what I was doing. Lizzy did that too but right now her plate was a bit full with her studies and Ty.
I thought about Aidan some more. When had been the last time I was angry at him for leaving me and seeming to never look back? I wanted him here with me; damn the consequences. Wasn’t that what love was about? Come hell or high water, wasn’t Aidan supposed to ride that with me? And yet here I was, barely able to be as mad as I was supposed to be. Maybe I wasn’t…I couldn’t even entertain the thought that I might have fallen out of love with him. No matter how buried my feelings for him were at the moment, I knew I loved Aidan.
For the first time in my life I finally understood why mhamha had read that stupid novel to me repeatedly. For every minute she spent telling me about how much she and my father were in love and happy and faithful to each other, she spent twice the amount of time reading the story and explaining it to me. I had managed to fall into the trap she was trying to keep me out of. I was waiting for Aidan who could have easily forgotten about me. I swallowed hard at the realization. But even then not a single part of me considered letting go of the fragile hope that I had that Aidan would come back to me. Pathetic but true. 
And then there were trivial things like my dead end job. Weekends with my parents and Martin who had somehow found my number and was threatening see me again to me. Okay, maybe not threatening but with each message he sent I was filled with anxiety that he’d call me soon. I just wasn’t interested in him as a friend or anything more. I sighed, my hand on the fridge door and the song quieted down to an end, allowing me to focus on the weight of the paper bag.
The next song started playing as I reached for the bag. I placed it on the kitchen sink and took out the box containing my dessert. I was placing the box carefully on the sink when a piece of paper fell to the floor. I assumed it was a receipt but it was folded and my name was neatly written on it. My heart skipped a beat when I recognized the handwriting.
I couldn’t stand anymore, my legs felt like jelly. I intended to bend over to pick it up but I found myself sitting on the floor as my trembling hands unfolded the note. As soon as I opened the note and took in the paper that was polluted with the familiar handwriting, I couldn’t breathe. Without reading the note, I ran my fingers lightly on the paper and smiled as I thought of how Aidan had touched this paper. It sounds ridiculous but that had been the closest to him I had gotten in months.
And then I started reading it; In the bag, you’ll find a phone. Don’t say a word. Turn up the volume; I know you’re probably already listening to music. Take nothing else and go outside. Page the last dialed number.
I frowned. Was this an attempt at being romantic? If it was, Aidan had failed horribly. Only after having read the note three more times did I bite my lip and get up. I looked into the bag and found a Nokia 3310. Like I wasn’t puzzled enough? I turned up the volume as I left the apartment. I didn’t know what ‘outside’ meant. Was it outside in the hallway or outside the building? It was starting to get a bit chilly but I went to sit in the courtyard. My hands were shaking and not from the weather. I had to take a deep breath to try to compose myself.
It didn’t stop my nerves but it did help my trembling hands, just a little, enough to use the phone. I paged the last number and as I waited I realized that this could be a prank. I closed my eyes as I tried to imagine the best punishment if this turned out to be a sick prank. I hadn’t come up with anything good when the phone began to vibrate with a monotone Nokia tune. The screen lit up green and vibrated in my hand. I looked at it for a while, too scared to answer. When I couldn’t stand the ringing anymore I answered.
“Couldn’t you have sprung for a better phone?” I said. There was no response immediately.
“I wasn’t planning on coming back for you.” Aidan’s voice confessed. Even though the words were meant to stab me, I found myself smiling. Tears of joy threatened to come out of my eyes.
“So, what’s this about?” I asked. My voice was still even.
“You’re my heart.” He said causing a tear to spill out. “And even though it was hard to do, I ripped you out and left you so that I could protect you.”
I was frozen, paralyzed with each word.
“Why didn’t−” I began to ask in a whisper but he interjected.
“I haven’t finished explaining.” He paused. “We’ll get to everything just now.”
I didn’t say anything and waited for him to speak.
“If anything were to happen to you, I don’t know what I’d do…to the people responsible, including myself.” I could hear the sadness and anger in his voice.
“Well, all I’ve been is just another lump of muscle since you left.” I said softly. He sighed.
“You could never be just another anything when you’re my life.” he countered gently but forcefully.
“Is that why you’re calling; to tease me? Why aren’t here telling me face to face?” I could feel the anger bubbling within me.
“I would be there with you if I could but it’s too dangerous for you.” His voice was solemn.
“How do you know I can’t handle it?” I said through gritted teeth.
“I don’t doubt you can handle anything but I won’t risk anything happening to you just to humor you.” He said softly. It was the bucket of water I needed to kill the rage that was burning inside of me.
“What danger?” I asked after a while. What kind of danger was he protecting me from?
“I think you know Ty Amos. He’s a cop. You might not know that he works for Andrew. He thinks you can lead him to me.” Aidan explained. I frowned as I tried to make sense of his words.
“Ty Amos? The only Ty I know who is a cop is Lizzy’s boyfriend...” The silence that greeted my words knocked the breath out of me. “Lizzy’s Ty is using my sister to get to you?!” I hissed. I was beyond anger in that instant.
I could hear Aidan chuckle at my outburst but he said nothing.
“He’s using my sister?” I growled.
“I don’t know about that.  Lizzy is an amazing girl maybe he really likes her and that’s why Andrew chose him.” Aidan said thoughtfully.
“Are you kidding me?” I snapped. I had to take a second to compose myself. Then I remembered my other questions. “That doesn’t explain the phone thing. Why did you call me on this tacky phone?” Clearly, I wasn’t composed enough.
“This is going to make you angry.” Aidan said cautiously.
“More angry than I already am?” I asked mordantly.  
“Ty has you wired.” Aidan said carefully.
“He what?!” I screamed. “Impossible.” But as soon as the word was out of my mouth I remembered the time I had left my purse unattended to. Well, I’d left it with Lizzy but she had followed me to that bathroom leaving my purse defenseless…
“How do I get it out?” I hissed. I had had enough of eavesdroppers.
“That’s the thing.” Aidan sighed. “You can’t. He’ll know that I’m onto him. I need you to act like you don’t know about the bugs. And I need you to pretend that you don’t love me.”
“What?! Bugs?” I paused having detected a bigger catch. “Pretend I don’t love you? How do I do that?” The idea sounded absurd and impossible.
“Just talk less about me and hang out more with Dylan.” Aidan suggested but I could tell he didn’t like the idea.
“I can’t.” I sighed heavily as I remembered what had happened to Dylan and me. “I kinda burnt that bridge.”
I thought that would make him happy. He wasn’t a huge fan of my friendship with Dylan.
“This tastes like vinegar in my mouth,” he groaned, “but you have to fix things with Dylan.”
“What? Come again.” I laughed ironically. “It sounded like you said you want me to patch things with Dylan.”
“You sound like you’re really hurting and I doubt it’s because you miss me alone. I hate to admit this but Dylan is a good friend to you. You’ll regret it if you don’t fix it.” He said the words carefully.
I knew Aidan was right but I didn’t find hope in his words.
“You don’t understand. I poured gasoline, set it aflame and poured more gasoline as it burnt to ashes. I’m sure I did the crazy dance around it too.” I explained. Nothing could have survived that bonfire.
“He loves you.” His words were filled with annoyance. “He’ll forgive you. Trust me. Just try.”
“I don’t think so.” I muttered hopelessly.
“Do it for me.” Aidan said quietly. I smiled. He really was desperate; so desperate as to put up with Dylan. But I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to Dylan.
“Under one condition,” I said with laughter in my tone. Aidan remained quiet, probably dreading my condition. “When do I get to see you?”
“As soon as you get Ty off your back,” Aidan answered in a heart-beat. “Convince him you’re not worth his time. As long as I know you’re in the clear, we’ll meet.”
“Until then?” I asked as I pouted.
“I’ll be in touch.” He said softly trying to comfort me.
“I miss you.” I whispered. My heart was breaking. I knew this was the end of the phone call.
“I know.” He replied. “I love you.”
“Always?”
“Always.” He affirmed and the line went dead. I could see him smiling. The conversation had gone precisely how he wanted.
This was good. I had finally spoken to Aidan. The clouds were beginning to gather. My rain dance was paying off. But I thought it would get easier once the clouds gathered. I figured things would be smooth sailing now but it seemed I had to up my game a notch before I could finally get a chance to dance in the rain.
I returned to my tune filled apartment. Remembering that Ty was probably listening in, I froze in the middle of the apartment. I thought about the embarrassing times I sang along to my favorite songs. I thought about the private conversations I had had with my friends…someone was listening. The anger raged inside me and my breathing became labored as my throat got tighter and drier.
I turned down the volume and let the music play softly. I couldn’t help scowl in disgust at my purse. A large part of me wanted to set the whole thing on fire but I loved that bag and, most importantly, Ty wasn’t worth it. Slowly I took out my phone, the one thing I was positive was bugged, and looked at it. Just then it lit up. I was so startled that I let it drop to the floor.
It danced on the floor as it vibrated and played my favorite song. The caller id showed that it was Lizzy who was trying to get in touch with me. I just stared at it as it continued to ring. Ty obviously knew about my argument with Dylan. Even if my conversation with Lizzy hadn’t filled him in, he had had front row seats throughout the fiasco. I had to do damage control. I had to start convincing Ty that I was ready to move on, even though that was not true.
I realized that I was running out of time when the song got closer to the chorus. Hesitantly, I picked it up and answered.
“Hello?” I tried to sound as cheerful as I could.
“Hey you!” Lizzy squealed. I couldn’t help feeling like an individual on Big Brother. I wished Aidan hadn’t told me anything about the bugs. I had to be strong. I loved him and if loving him meant that I had to pretend I had a heart of stone and a shell of iron, then so be it.
“It’s been a while. Has Ty been keeping you for himself? That’s so selfish.” I said.
Lizzy just giggled.
“How was your trip?” I asked.
“It was amazing.” She began. She described everything for me. I don’t know if it was from the deep loathing of Ty I had just developed that I zoned out. Her voice chattered in the background as I tried to think of what to say next. Finally, she stopped talking.
“Wow, lucky you.” I hoped that was enough to pacify her about Ty.
“What about you? Dad tells me you went to see Aunt Rach.”
“Yeah, it was so much fun.” I said sarcastically.
“I bet it was.” She chuckled.
“So, I was thinking,” I began.
“Umhuh.” Lizzy hedged.
“I’m going to patch things up with Dylan.” I grabbed a large, thick chunk of my hair by the roots and closed my eyes. I needed to make sure I didn’t lie to Lizzy. I couldn’t imagine doing that.
“Really? Why?” she was surprised.
“It’s this whole thing with Aidan not coming back and the huge fight Dylan and I had.” I paused “I just realized that if Aidan truly loved me he’d come back and if I loved myself, I’d move on.” I was impressed with myself. What I said actually made sense.
“I’m so proud of you.” Lizzy said. I could hear the relief in her voice. “But what about the fight? It’s been two weeks already.”
“I’ll have to try.” I said quietly, thoughtfully.
“Good luck.” Lizzy said as I sighed. She mistook that for a yawn. “Before I hang up, there’s a party this weekend and I thought you’d want to come. Bring Dylan along.”
“I’ll see.” I felt worn out after everything that had happened that night.
“Love you.” Lizzy said.
“Love you too.” I said as I hung up.
I felt so violated that I was too scared to think. I turned off the music and slipped into bed. I closed my eyes and tried my hardest to relax. The only thing I had to worry about as I lay was talking in my sleep which rarely ever happened. I just hoped things would make sense in the morning…
…Which they didn’t. Things were still as shaky and volatile in the morning and all through the day. I couldn’t help being happy that Aidan had called at the same time I couldn’t help being sad because he was in trouble and now he had to worry about me too. I was angry because each word I said was being transmitted to heaven knows where and nothing was private anymore. Wasn’t Facebook enough?
I was alert, too. Maybe close to the point of paranoia but I was super alert. I picked my words more carefully but presented them as naturally as I could. I even made a conscious decision not to go to Chrisadam. I just needed the strength to resist their range of mouth-watering desserts.
That was what was on my mind as I took notes at work. I wrote each instruction efficiently. As my hand rested on the writing pad waiting for what to write next; I saw it. I looked more closely at my favorite pen. It was a slight difference but because I was alert, I knew what it meant.
I placed the note pad on to the table and looked intently at my pen. I had wasted countless hours trying to open it and take a peek inside from the second mum had given it to me. I never was able to open it. Claire, the woman detecting the notes, was still droning on but I could barely make out what she was saying. Curiously, I twisted the top half of the pen with a subtle flick of my wrist and the pen unscrewed. I stopped, frozen with anger, as I realized what it all meant.
“Are you listening?” Claire snapped at me. I blinked twice out of confusion before I acted with wisdom.
“My pen’s not working anymore.” I answered and with a triumphant smile, I threw the pen out the open window of the tenth floor office. At least one bug was down. “Can I borrow yours?”
Claire stared at me with surprise and then she returned to her constipated look, but she lent me a pen and I continued to write.
Carrying around my purse felt like being shackled to heavy iron balls. Every now and again I felt the strong urge to throw it into a bin and run. Regardless, I managed to carry on through the day feeling annoyed, angry and sad but acting happy, carefree and work orientated.
At the end of the working hours I stopped by the ladies’ room to freshen up. I wanted to go see Dylan. I had planned to start making things right and I planned on starting that day. My plan was simple enough; I’d annoy him until he gave in. Hopefully, it wouldn’t come to that. I fixed myself up and practiced smiling, something I’d learnt to fake for a while now.
When I arrived at Dylan’s house my composure was gone. I suddenly realized that I didn’t want to go through with it anymore. But I missed him so I swallowed hard, took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Marcus opened the door and grinned when he saw me. That made me feel a little bit better.
“Hi,” he said still grinning.
“Hi, is Dylan around?” I asked nervously. Marcus laughed and stepped aside.
“He’s in his room, studying.” He led me in. “You can go through.”
I was so grateful that he was home and I wouldn’t have to go through this again but at the same time was nearly numb with fear. It felt like I was walking on quick sand. My heart was pounding hard against my chest. I wasn’t sure how things were going to go down. Was he so angry at me that he’d kick me out? Or did he hate me so much that he’d ignore me, pretend I didn’t exist?
I took a deep breath and let all the air out of my lungs as I knocked on the door.
“Marcus, go away! Stop tempting me.” Dylan shouted from inside. My shaking hand reached for the door handle. I opened the door slowly and peeked inside first. Dylan was sitting at his desk with his back to the door. When I stepped inside silently, he turned around and our eyes met briefly before he turned to look back at his books.
“Hi,” I said weakly. He didn’t say anything. So, this is how he’s going to play it, I thought to myself. I closed the door and took a few steps into the room towards him but I stopped, wondering what he was thinking.
“I came to apologize. Everything I said that night was unnecessary.” I paused. “You’re my best friend, after Lizzy of course.” My attempt at humor was pathetic. He continued to write. “I miss you. These past two weeks have shown me just how much I take for granted all that you mean to me. I want to make it right. I want to make it up to you before you go on spending the rest of your life hating me.” I waited for him to say something but all he did was just stop writing. He laid his pen on the desk and leaned back in his chair. It was better than nothing, so I continued.
“Starting tonight. You know that horrible, action movie you’ve been waiting forever to see? It’s finally showing.” I laughed. “You probably knew that already. I hope you haven’t seen it because I was thinking maybe we can go watch it together. I mean nothing screams ‘I’m sorry’ more than sitting through that terrible, mindless shooting just for you.”
I stopped hoping he’d finally say something, anything. “Come on, Dylan. I’ve gone through enough hell in the past few weeks without you. Here I am begging you to torture me with two hours of that stupid film just to prove how much you mean to me. I’m trying to make it right with you.”
Just before I could gravel some more, there was a knock on the door. I, instinctively, turned to see his mum come in with a huge smile on her face.
“I heard you were here, Chris.” She said as she came in. “I came to see for myself.”
“Hi,” I said weakly. My long speech had taken a lot out of me.
“Are you staying for supper?” she asked enthusiastically. I shrugged and turned to look at Dylan.
“No,” he said as he turned to face us, finally. He wasn’t smiling. He didn’t look angry either, which was good in my books. “We’re going for a movie.” He added to my relief. I shouldn’t have been as happy as I was but I couldn’t seem to control the happiness that swirled within me.
I grinned in relief and my heart broke off into an escalated drumming. His mother seemed happier than I was. She quietly excused herself. I watched him get up and grab his jacket from the wardrobe.
“Thank you so much.” I whispered as he led us out of the house.
“You’re buying popcorn.” He muttered.
I didn’t know what the evening would be like or if I’d made a mistake but as we drove to the cinema I couldn’t help smile at him. He pretended not to notice my grin but sometimes I would catch his lips twitch almost like was about to smile too. I wasn’t expecting him to warm up to me instantly. I was too happy having him with me that night. My gratitude, however, did not mean I liked the idea of his stupid action movie. Usually Dylan didn’t subject me to such inhuman torture because he knew I hated it but, I guess, tonight he was trying to see how much he meant to me. To get him back that night I’d have eaten my foot. Maybe, that was a bit too graphic but that’s how desperate I was.
We got our tickets and I bought our popcorn. I hounded him with questions which he answered politely. On some instances he looked like he wanted to say more but he would stop himself and keep quiet. It was only after the movie that he had a smile on his face for me. He was smiling at me and talking to me without anything holding him back.
“That was a great movie!” he said. I could tell he was really happy. “Second time around and it still feels fresh.”
“You’ve seen it before?” My jaw hung open. I knew he was torturing me but this was below the belt.
“You didn’t ask.” He raised his hands and put an innocent look on his face.
“Well, I thought the best part was when they were running through the woods in slow motion. The CGI was amazing.” I said trying not to scowl at him.
“What? There wasn’t anything about woods in the movie.” He paused to think. “That was in the forth coming attractions.”
I was the one smiling impishly now.
“Exactly.” I said looking up and down the busy night street. He nudged me playfully and that made me catch my breath. I could feel the atmosphere around us returning to normal. Dylan was my friend again. I made vow at that moment not to ruin it again.
“Do you want to go to get something to eat?” he asked when we both finally managed to stop grinning.
“I don’t know. It’s kinda late and you made me buy three boxes of popcorn, so I’m really full.” I said looking at him. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t imagining our truce. Diner felt like pushing my luck.
“Okay.” He put his hands in his pockets and started rocking on the soles of his feet, a sign that he was thinking about something he didn’t know how to relay across.
“Is something on your mind?” I asked softly.
“I don’t want to ruin this.” He said looking away from me.
“You couldn’t. I won’t let you.” I said holding his arm to stop him from moving. “What is it?”
It took him a while to speak. “You know that I still love you? I can’t just turn it off.” I looked at his face as he spoke. He threw a wary glance at me and smiled.
“That’s what I’m banking on here.” I said squeezing his arm and leaning against him. “Is that it?’
“Not exactly.” He mumbled. I could feel his nervousness. “The thing is if you and I are back to being friends you have to understand that every time you smile at me I’ll keep hoping that we end up together.”
I didn’t say a word. I was too selfish to push him away by telling him that I loved Aidan but I loved him enough to tell him the truth that I could.
“Is that going to be a problem?” he asked finally. I turned his reluctant body to face me. I smiled at him, I couldn’t help it.
“Dylan,” I said softly. “I can’t make that decision for you. I want you in my life for as long as you can bear to have me.” I paused as I looked at my purse. I sighed and looked back at him. “But I can only promise you friendship. I’ll understand if you would rather not be my friend but I’m not saying I’ll take it well.”
He just looked at me for a while and then he smiled weakly.
“Is that still a ‘no’ for getting something to eat?” Dylan asked after a while.
“Looks like.” I said “That reminds me.” My face lit up. “Lizzy invited me to this party on Saturday. You wanna come with me?”
“This Saturday?” he asked. I nodded eagerly. “I have to study. Huge test on Monday.”
I couldn’t hide my disappointment.
“Okay, I’ll swing by and see you on Sunday.” I muttered.
“I’d like that.” He was still smiling at me.
“Great. Do I still have some sucking up to do?” I asked half heartedly.
“I don’t know.” He said thoughtfully. “It’s fun torturing you.”
We parted, both in a good mood. I was happy that Dylan and I had patched things up. I just couldn’t help wondering what Ty thought. I looked at my phone wondering what he’d think if I just, by mistake on purpose, dropped my phone in a cup full of water. Would he see right through my plan? I couldn’t risk Aidan getting into any kind of pain, so I vanquished the thought. Besides, I wouldn’t survive a day without a phone.