So uh........
I usually don't like to bother people at all about my problems. At all. Because I don't like to be the center of attention when it comes to my depression.
Yes, I talk about my depression and anxiety, but I never really talk about when it hits HARD, or why it happens.
I mean, it happens for NO FUCKING REASON. NONE AT ALL. And I take therapy for it.
I also take therapy for my anger issues, depression, anxiety, slight schizophrenia, slight paranoia and PTSD (for those of you that don't know what that is, it stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is basically when you get anxiety and all panicky over something that had happened YEARS ago and it fucks up your head. My childhood was all fucked up, and PTSD gets worse as you get older if you don't take care of it now, so that's why I'm taking care of it now.)
But I don't like to talk about it when it happens because I don't want to ever bother you with my problems... I don't talk to ANYONE about it, except for my therapist.
And I'm starting to think...
Every time the depression builds up more, or the anxiety hits and I never bother to tell anyone, it makes things so much worse for me, and I'll literally shut EVERY SINGLE PERSON out... even on here I do..
I won't do a damn thing besides go to the bathroom when I need to.
That's literally all I do.
I don't eat.
I don't sleep.
I don't even shower.
I can't fucking do my goddamn homework or school work when I'm having an anxiety trip!! And I'm low on credits and I might not fucking graduate high school which makes things fucking worse!!
And I've been losing weight lately. Wanna know why? Because I've been having anxiety trips non fucking stop for the past 2 weeks.
2 fucking weeks.
I've barely eaten anything anymore.
I barely sleep anymore.
I barely fucking shower now.
And therapy is sorta helping, but now I just.....
I just don't think I have enough strength in myself to know if I can get through this....
I'm fucking terrified. I'm terrified of the past. Terrified of the future.
Fucking petrified of abandonment and loss...
So yeah.... I'm so sorry for not telling anyone about my problems when I promised that I would tell them when I need help..... I'm sorry for hiding my pain and making it worse for myself, and most of all, I'm sorry for letting everyone that I love and care for down because I've been more distant lately.....
I tried to stay strong for you guys.. I really did.
But I guess I just overdid it....
I mean, I am only human, and I do have a limit. But I guess I just tried to step over that limit, and this is where I ended up.
Just a scared, fucked up, and twisted mess.
So yeah.... I just wanna thank you guys for reading this far if you have, and I'll try to be more open with you guys...
So until next time.
Love you all.
Bye❤
