WILD // (Harry Styles)

T H I R T Y S I X

CHAPTER 36

CLAIRE

When Michael and I meet the cold air outside of the grey building, oxygen fills my lungs for the first time since I can remember. My face relaxes, soaking up the calm night sounds of the city.

I feel calm, collected and... fine. The moment I stepped out of the building, my foot locking onto the concrete ground, these last two weeks became distant. Like I was able to look at it a little more clearer.

I will hate myself forever for hurting Harry, causing the pain I saw engraving in his eyes once I said that last sentence to him. Did I mean it? I don't know.

I know Harry doesn't deserve to hear that I don't understand how I ever fell in love with him. But I am certain, it was the only way for him to let me leave. When I looked into his eyes, I saw the intense desperation, the craving, the lust for me. And it hurts me to think he doesn't see that in mine.

My heart is still pumping with rage, as I look over at Michael, as his nose is stuffed with tissue-paper, small pebbles of blood drying on his nose columns. My hands clench into fists and I shudder with anger when I think of it. I am furious with Harry.

Still, I do realize that it had to take a lot for Harry to do that. What he said about Michael pushing him, I think is true. But that doesn't matter to me. Harry still should never had hit him.

Harry doesn't deserve to be with someone who doesn't love him. He deserves much better, and I can't be the person he so desperately wants me to be. He deserves someone who will love him like he needs to be loved. As do I.

Was I harsh? Yes. Very. And to see his spirit weaken from my words... It wears heavy on me, and I don't think that will ever go away. But as terrible as it sounds, it was necessary. He wouldn't have let me go without me saying those words to him.

And I need him to let me go.

I am convinced that I was happy with him once. Wildly happy, I believe. Why else would I leave my life in England, my brother, my best-friend, my parents? I had to be so in love with him. And that will always be a part of me, but I can't be happy with him now.

Do I wish I would remember? A part of me does. I would imagine that having my memories would make this so much easier. But now, most of of me is just relieved that I'm out of the apartment. I can finally breathe again.

I close my eyes for a second, and think of the kiss we shared a few days ago. When he finally poured every feeling and every emotion he felt, into the air. But that wasn't why I kissed him.

I kissed him in a final, desperate attempt on remembering it all. And I kept my lips on his for quite some time, clenching my eyes together and hoping with everything in me that I would remember him and my feelings for him. Even though I didn't, I have to admit...

I could see a shimmer in his eyes that were familiar. Loving, strong, yet vulnerable eyes. Those are the kind of eyes I want to look into the rest of my life, and there is only one person I know who has that shimmer in their eyes whenever they look into mine...

I look back at the lobby and at the elevator, and it feels like pebbles are grinding in my stomach. I know he is up there, gasping for air. And I want more than anything to make that stop, to make him fall out of love with me. I want him to be okay without me.

I hug Michael, digging my face into his neck.

"I'm so sorry," I say.

Even though Michael pushed him, he never deserved a punch to the face. He didn't deserve to be put in a life-threatening situation and he doesn't deserve to be blamed so heavily for so many things. He is leaving in the morning, and I'm beginning to truly understand that. There is nothing here for him.