fix me » 2jae

그래서

When Jaebum got home, Jackson was gone. He knew Jackson had only left to go to work, but Jaebum couldn't help but think he left because he didn't want to have to be near him. It was an unreasonable thought, considering Jackson hadn't gone to work in a week and he was really the only person making money in the house; however, Jaebum only felt worse at the realisation.

He felt like he didn't do shit to help out with the bills, especially since his music career had no signs of picking up. Yet, Jackson never pushed him to get a real job or find some sort of income. Jackson just let Jaebum live in what was technically his house, and Jaebum felt like a shitty person because of it.

Jackson also never made fun of Jaebum's crush on Youngjae—besides their most recent text conversation, anyway. Jaebum had basically tormented Jackson for his crush on Mark since Jackson told him he had the crush. Never once did Jaebum doubt the legitimacy of the crush, but never once did Jaebum act like that was how he thought. He realised how much of an asshole he was to one of the few people who actually cared for him and it made Jaebum feel unwell.

Jaebum felt like he was drowning in his thoughts. Thoughts of being undeserving of his life were all he could hear. He thought about how he didn't deserve to act sad about Youngjae when Jackson had wanted to be with Mark for years; he thought about how he didn't deserve the unconditional love he had been given from Mark and Jackson when he had never done a single thing in return for it; he thought about how he didn't deserve to so much as live on the same world as Youngjae when he would only complicate and ruin another person's life.

As he looked at the red lines on his arms—most specifically a long vertical cut that went from his wrist to his elbow—he couldn't deny that he wanted to add a second one. He didn't want to end up hospitalised with his friends fussing over him a second time, but he told himself that he wouldn't mess it up. All his feelings were so painfully familiar and Jaebum suddenly felt like he was back in high school. And Jaebum hated high school.

No longer hesitant, Jaebum did it. But this time he was sure he wouldn't have to wake up again.