fix me » 2jae

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Jaebum was finally back in his own house after two weeks of invading Yugyeom and BamBam's home. Despite finally feeling comfortable and safe like before, the lack of Jackson's presence made the house empty and quiet. He had been put into the mental ward, both for his drinking and his recently found depression, and that made Jaebum feel terrible for multiple reasons.

The most overwhelming thing for Jaebum was the mere fact that Jackson wasn't okay. It hurt Jaebum to know that the person he was closest to wasn't in the best state. He wanted to do whatever he could to try and solve all Jackson's problems, but he knew that none of Jackson's life was in his power. The slightly less overwhelming thing was that Jaebum never noticed that anything was wrong. Apparently, Jackson had been dealing with his depression and suicidal thoughts for a whole year. Jaebum never knew that.

When Jaebum thought about it, he felt incredibly selfish and unworthy of what he had. Jackson, the selfless and caring happy virus everyone loved, struggled quite badly with his own thoughts and Jaebum hated how never saw it. He was a hard worker and earned everything he owned, never wanting anyone to go to the extremes for him. He was extremely insecure and constantly compared himself to others, but he never told anyone in fear of distracting or annoying them. He was a strong willed person and would never give up, so the one thing he could lose against was himself. It was this and more that made Jaebum feel absolutely pathetic and useless compared to Jackson.

Jaebum knew he was clingy and he knew that it was obnoxious; Jackson was the cute kind of clingy where it was obvious that he just didn't want to be alone and needed the reassurance he had someone with him. Jaebum thought he was too boring and that no one ever wanted to listen to him talk; Jackson always had something interesting to say—he could easily captivate a whole crowd with one of his stories. And he could think of a million more reasons why Jackson was better than him, but he didn't want to completely lose hope in himself.

If Jaebum were to be honest with himself, his sudden spiral of thoughts had him thinking about suicide again. But the moment any thought about death crossed his mind, he shoved it away; he kept telling himself that his thoughts were unjustified, and that he was only blowing things out of proportion. In his whole twenty three years of living, he had never considered himself depressed. Deep down, he knew that he was probably underestimating his problems, but he still refused to accept that what he felt was a concern.

He always told himself that suicidal thoughts were natural; he figured that during at least one point in everyone's life, the thought came up. His life just happened to have multiples of that moment. He also tried to reason with himself that disliking one's appearance was an inevitable feeling—that everyone had their own insecurities. He just happened to feel like he was unlucky and had more things to be insecure about than his friends. Or rather, friend in the singular form.

With Mark still mad at him and Jackson in the hospital, Jaebum felt like he had no one. Yugyeom and Youngjae were barely friends, if even that. He didn't have anyone to fill the dead silence that filled his home. That only encouraged him to drown himself in his thoughts.

But he told himself that, this time, he didn't deserve relief. His insignificant, overblown, stupid problems could never justify the things he wanted to do to mutilate his body. Besides, keeping everything in and not doing a single thing about it was probably the worst thing he could do.