this is me.

Feb. 17, 2014

Okay, I write in my diary. As in, in a ntbk. 

Today is February 22 but yeaaaa. 

~

Dear Paige, 

I'm so confusing.

I'm scared of dying, but I'm tired of living.

I want to be happy, but I would want to have all the pain.

I wantto smile, but instead tears drip down my face.

I want to be with someone, but I want to be alone.

What is wrong with me? My sanity has flushed down the toilet. 

~

I feel like breaking down right now, but I don't want all eyes on me. 

Last night, before I slept, suicidal thoughts came like a tornado; spinning my head. 

I listened to some suicidal, heartbreaks & bullying experiences on youtube. 

I don't know why, but I did. 

And in every ending, they said there was hope and that it's not the end. 

After I watched, I thought of the opposite things I should.

I thought of dying instead of having hope.

~

I'm scared

I'm in pain.

I'm messed up.

I'm confused.

I'm depressed.

I'm anorexic, but]

I'm fat.

I'm full of scars.

Sigh. What's wrong with me?

At this moment, I really want to be with someone.

Someone who will take away my blades.

Someone who will wipe the tears away.

Someone who will protect me.

Someone who will make me feel like a pincess.

Someone who will care for me and love me 'til the end.

But then..

Who will love a girl full of scars?

Who will fix a broken girl?

Who will love a girl who can't even pick themselves up? 

Who?

Who will love me?