Sometimes I have legitimately thought about suicide.
Or maybe cutting my wrists just to see how it feels. I get in weird moods sometimes where i just feel like ending it all. I honestly couldnt tell you why.
Maybe i have depression, maybe its from all the shit that went down with my dad, with him being angry all the time, or him and my mom being seperated, or maybe its the massive heart attack that almost killed him, it could be that Afterwards he wasnt the same, he couldnt play with us, he couldnt have snowball fights with us, he couldnt do anything he wanted to do and he got angrier.
It could even be something as recent as our motorcycle accident where his shoulder is permanently fucked, his wrist may be permanently fucked as well, preventing him from doing what he loves which is riding his motorcycle, preventing him from ever going back to work, which will inevitably just make him angrier.
Maybe its the fact that two girls were randomly stabbed in my school and of course the girl that i knew is now dead because of some shitstain on humanity.
Maybe its the fact i knew the girl, maybe its the fact she was always so happy all the time, maybe its the fact that she didnt deserve to die, maybe its the fact she was so young, who fucking knows.
Maybe its the fact that im not as attractive as everyone else, ive only ever had two girlfriends in my life, and only just had my first kiss at the age of 16.
Maybe its the fact im still a virgin, or that my current girlfriend doesnt even really want a relationship and only seems to be doing whatever her mom tells her to do, or maybe its her actual thoughts and we both just want something different but im too much of a pussy to tell her how i feel.
Maybe its the fact that i feel like a let down, a disgrace, a mistake, a screw up for my own sexuality, something i cant fucking control. Just for liking both genders and im teased at school about it, i would no longer have a place to call home, or people to call family if my parents were to find out.
Maybe its the fact that im not as good at anything as other people. i cant do sports, i cant game, i cant sing draw write or do anything else properly. im fat and out of shape.
i never have money, my house never has food, my mom cant find a job, my dad is permanently out of a job, im too fucking lazy to find one, the government isnt close to financially supporting us, we have to rely on the food bank, and the church, and whatever cash we can scrape together just to get by.
Maybe... Just maybe these are the reasons i legitimately think about killing myself sometimes, maybe im just an attention seeker. The only thing i do know is that im incredibly lonely, with no one to talk to, and no one to ever see this.
