Wow. It's been a while. Three months to be exact. Things have happened. Ready to find out what? You better be, 'cause as the title suggests, this is gonna be a rollercoaster ladies and gentlemen.
So. Shortly after writing the chapter "Girls" I made my choice, and even though I think it was the right choice it still didnt work out. This girl and I had dated once before in the past but she had broken it off citing a rule created by her parents, but we remained friends. I then found out that, after a year of not dating she still had feelings for me, and I for her. So we decided to start dating, Take 2.
Things went so well! I invited her over for a New Years Eve celebration and we drank and had fun. We went on a double date with some friends of ours and had a great time. We celebrated valentines day with roses and chocolates and all that fun stuff.
We created a list of things to do as a couple. It was great. We had activities for every price range like things for $0 such as stargazing, hikes, netflix binging, or even just playing video games together. We had ideas for other things that cost some money, like pizza and movies, or going bowling, or a nice dinner, or skating and hot chocolate.
I had such a great time just being in her general presence, and learning things about her that I didn't know from the first time around. Just small insignificant things like how she always wanted to reenact one of those scenes from every RomCom movie ever, where the boy and the girl see each other through the rain and run to kiss in each others arms. Small things to take in like the smell of her hair after using her favourite shampoo, or how she was self conscious about her smile and always put her hand in front of her face while laughing at some dumb joke I made.
But of course I'm saying this all in the past tense so you know that this couldn't have lasted, and well, it didn't. Things began to feel off. There wasn't quite the same spark that we had the first time. She seemed disinterested after the first little while, and it became a chore to hang out with each other. It seemed as if she never wanted to actually hang out, and when we did she seemed bored and disinterested in everything going on.
I'm not saying that I'm not to blame in this either. I made some dumb choices and was hanging out with another girl that she didn't like. Nothing happened between us but it made her jealous which I can't blame her for. I started hanging out with this girl though because she actually wanted to hang out, whereas the other didn't.
We never acted like a couple. My friend commented after we broke up about it, and I realized she was right. We didn't really ever hold hands, we didn't do much in terms of physical contact, in public at least, we just seemed like we were still friends instead of actually dating. Which isn't bad per se, but it does make for a rough relationship.
Eventually I had enough of being virtually invisible and decided to end it so that hopefully we could both find someone that we really wanted to be with, instead of just being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.
This is where I fucked up baaaaad.
I broke up with her.
I realize I should have taken her feelings into account.
I realize I should have been more sensitive when doing it.
I realize I should have done it in a place where we were alone.
I realize all this but it's too late now. I've hurt her feelings and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. She hasn't spoken to me since February. She refuses to look at me. It kills me inside to know that I've hurt her this badly but she won't let me speak to her to apologize.
The only words I've heard from her were the day after we broke up where she told me not to ever say anything to her while I was walking into school, and last night where I accidentally found her at work and she told me to fuck off.
Plot twist though. Tonight my best friend who is also good friends with her told me that she had told him that she misses me and wants to at least be friends again.
THIS. This is all I have wanted for the last two months of steely silence. All I asked for was for her to not hate me. I wanted to go back to being friends. I wanted to be able to hang out with my friends and talk to everyone in the group. I wanted to be able to peacefully exist again, but after he told me this, everything didn't seem so black and white anymore.
I started to remember all the things she's done to hurt me. I started to remember all the things I've done to hurt her, albeit not on purpose.
My brain suddenly broke down and I couldn't make a decision. I still can't.
All I've wanted is to get a friend back, to be happy. Now I have that opportunity and I don't know if I want it anymore.
Have I colossally fucked up?
Probably.
Am I gonna try my damndest to fix it?
Absolutely.
Is it gonna work?
God only knows.
