Love is strange for me. I don't think I've experienced love as most people do.
For example, my parents. They don't love each other. It's obvious. It's obvious that they're doing what they think they should be doing. It's obvious that they're just going through the motions to keep up the failing, cracking facade of a happy couple.
Or maybe we could talk about their love towards my sister and I. The fact that my sisters the favourite. I can deal with that. What I cant deal with is the love, or lack thereof, that they show towards us. My mother's getting pissy constantly now. Blowing up over small things.
My Dad isn't good with his emotions either. He's still the 15 year old kid going around causing trouble to rebel against his own terrible dad who ran out on him, much as he's done to me. He's still the 25 year old causing trouble and getting into fights and being thrown in jail. He's still the young guy who isn't broken. Who doesn't have a fucked up heart. Who doesn't rely on technology just to have some semblance of a life. Who has a loving wife. Who's happy.
Or we could use my last relationship. I thought I was in love with this girl. I honestly did. She was only half into this relationship. She never loved me, but just went through the motions. It's eerily similar to what's up with my parents.
I don't honestly know what the original point to this entry was, but I guess my new point is am I cursed to live like my parents? I have anger issues caused by my dad, with his anger issues caused by his dad and so on. I have pretty close to every bad quality of my mom, and I'm worried I'm going to turn out like them.
I don't want to be like them. I don't want to live like them. I don't want my child to flinch every time I raise my hand to scratch my nose. I don't want my child to have self esteem issues caused by years of being put down by the people they thought were the most trustworthy in the world.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't want my child to be like me.
