Key To The Blue Flame

Chapter 14

Once again I become conscious, I wake myself up from this nightmare I let myself accept as the reality I must live in. I allowed myself to obey and bend to this new life he has breathed into me the moment I met him on that day, the day my faith was decided for me, the day my being became etched with supernatural sweet stench.

If I scrub and scrub at my wretched skin will this sick feeling of feeling like I am owned vanish along with this invisible spiked collar around my neck?

It punctures my will, speech, and my pride leaving me just a shell of a person like a puppet on invisible strings made for his amusement. Can he unlock this short chain and set me free, will he?

As the spikes drive farther into my neck will he just watch as my existence crumbles, will we both just pretend that it isn’t happening? That he’s changing me…I don’t want him to do this to me, I don’t want to do this to myself…

She, that thing that he created, that girl whose heart only knows him made me realize that he isn’t mine, he doesn’t belong to me and never really will. We are still strangers; it’s just because of this complicated situation that he comes here… to me.

But how can I undo what he has done, how do I get him out of my head, how do I get him out of my life? My blood is not sweet to him and I know nothing about him, we do nothing for each other…

I cannot satisfy him even if I gave my life for him.

All he gives me is confusion, anger, pain, sadness and these weird mixed emotions I have for him that I never asked for, that I never wanted.  S

o why are we still playing this sick game with each other… acting like we both can't see, blind to the other’s feelings although we see it clearer than a S.O.S, why are we running farther into this forest of destruction, why are we acting like we don’t see that cliff’s edge!

Why is that our only choice? Why does it have to be like this, why can't we burn the books that our faiths were written in, why can't we write our own with our own blood, sweat and tears? Why does it have to be sealed already?

Why do we pretend like everything is okay as we continue on this tainted path laced with the strong aroma of blood. I am walking in the dark when it comes to him and can't find the light no matter what.

Our relationship isn’t sweet, we aren’t lovers, we aren’t friends… I don’t even know what we are so why am I under this spell of his, did he create it to torment me, to own my every emotion? Well I don’t want to become like her and I wont,

I have to get away from all this but how, he is protecting me too from the dangers out there, he did multiple times, even today when there was no real danger. Does he really care about my safety?

If I do something reckless will he come and save me? Ugh I hate my thoughts, I hate all of this, I’m yes then I’m no, I’m right then I’m left, my feelings and thoughts have become bipolar. Enough with this, him, her and me.

I walk to my mirror, I look like crap, all this dark makeup, the tiny clothes this isn’t me, …is this the way I thought he’d want me to look. He probably thought I looked like a gothic clown. I rub the black eyeliner or eye shadow or whatever it is down my face.

Am I prettier than that flawless faced Barbie doll girl Heather? Am I, aren’t I, can't I be… I just feel so unconfident recently… he makes me feel this way. I brush my neck, his bite marks. It’s still fresh; it still hurts, his spot, his lock on me.

Is his spot the same… is it the same spot on that girl, is his mark on me generic, is a meal just a meal to him, does that not matter to him? Does he treat her the same as he treat me when he feeds? Is he always gentle at that time, does he treats her better since he knew her longer and her blood tastes superior?