Wicked Stepmother

Looking for a light

It was night of course, and my cloak and shoes were both thin. I was dressed to meet my lover, not to go on an adventure, but at least I was not dressed as a princess. The forest would have been beautiful to behold during the day- all orange and gold leaves and red fruits and the last of the autumn flowers but at night it just stank of damp and decay, there were leaves everywhere- wet leaves clinging and dry leaves crunching and above me the branches only showed through patches of sky, which was cloudy in any case. Heaped up leaves hid a lot of sticks and logs and sticking out bits of things so my going became slow and was somewhat painful. I hoped Bennett would not be stubborn enough to pursue me, though I suppose the terrain would have slowed even him with his woodcraft.

I was crying as I went, which made it harder still to see what I was doing and I was endlessly blaming people in my head- Kiora for not having been more understanding, Bennett for expecting, Kiora for having made Bennett my best option, Bennett for having been a man and making love like one. Myself of course for not having had the nous to see a wise-woman or midwife about precautions and my mother for having died.

This stopped me as the flood of tears grew too big to walk through, but a part of my mind sat back and reminded me that were my mother alive I probably would have been married off by now like Kiora was. Not that I wished her dead however, my beautiful, dainty mother with her scent of rosepetals and her smile that made everything stop hurting.

At that point I guiltily wondered if I should turn back and marry Bennett and have the baby and love it as my mother had loved me. But I thought of Orion. What if my baby was as ugly as he was? And I thought of all the pain and swelling poor Kiora had endured having him and mine would be worse as Bennett and I would have to elope since my father could never accept....

No. And I didn't want children in any case- I never had and I never would...or a great lump of a husband daily growing more demanding and less sweet. Even my father, much as he had loved my mother had not been the sort of friend to her that I would want in a lover. I felt guilty when I considered the horror of myself being with child, guilty that I had only occasionally come to alleviate Kiora's pain and boredom in her confinement. I felt the universe might not have cursed me like this if I had been kinder to her, my best friend.

Yes and there was no point calling her my best friend was there, considering I had run away and would never see her again. At this a tear rolled down my cheek and I tried to tell myself I was crying for my father and Seagull and Bennett and in part I really was but I felt sure that I missed Kiora most of all. If she was here we would be having an adventure. If she was here...but she was busy being all grown up and making goo-goo eyes at her baby.

It was too cold to stop, I made myself stop entertaining thoughts that went round and round in circles and walk faster, looking for some light between the trees- some sort of gypsies or troubadours I could join. Clo the dancer I could be, or I could help tend their horses or....oh I didn't know what skills I might need but I hoped to be pretty and charming long enough so they would teach me rather than abandon me for being useless.