#11 :: Double Standards

Chapter 2.

Sasha

September 25 2015

Today, my son would have been 10. Not a day goes by where I don't think about him. I would like to say it gets easier, but I don't feel like it has, I feel that with life you have to accept things whether you want to or not.

I've accepted the fact my son was taken from me before he was even able to crack a smile or even cry. I haven't had children since, so I definitely feel that it's not made it easier, as it's not as if I can say well I have another child; not to replace but to help me deal with the one I lost. I don't know if that makes sense to you but it does to me.

I guess this is why I love working with children so much. It makes me happy. My best friend works with me and she thinks I'm torturing myself, by being constantly surrounded by children knowing how much I wanted one of my own.

I only ever wanted one child and after Gabriel being stillborn I didn't bother trying again. I didn't want to. I couldn't...Not with or for him anyway.

Today was Friday and you could tell autumn was starting to come through, as the leaves were starting to fall. Despite this the sun shone allowing a little warmth to get me through today.

As it was 10 years I had finally finished his grave how I wanted it. I had a white marble gravestone with black writing. It stood out from the others that surrounded him; but then it looked like only his one was being taken care of.

I had finally bought a gate to put around him hoping it will keep his place much cleaner. I placed new fresh flowers in his pot and added more fake but lasting flowers around the foot of his grave. Today they was finally covering the whole of his bed with the white marble just like his headstone.

Even though I only got to hold him just once I wanted the best for him. Tears fell as I watched the men making my sons grave even more beautiful. This was all I could do as I wasn't able to do anything else for him.

My phone went off and it was a message from my best friend and assistant manager Camilla:

Milla 💖: Thinking of you. I know this is a hard time for you and if we wasn't short staffed I would be right by your side. Love you Milla 💕

I never take time off. Other than annual leave. Only one day of the year do I take time off and that's now.

"Knew we would find you here..." I heard a voice say and turned to see my parents.

Just great!

"Hey mum, hey dad." I said as they both hugged me.

"Hey baby girl... how are you?"

"I'm okay mum... well okay as can be. They're putting down the finishing touches so that will make me feel better. Should have done this ages ago." I said.

"It's always looked beautiful and it's going to look even more beautiful once they're done." My dad said.

"Thanks dad."

"Where's Troy?" My mum asked.

"Does he even remember what today is?" I asked her.

"Of course he does! Why wouldn't he?!"

"Right... so where is he then?"

"He's most probably either sleeping you know he works lates. Or at work and can't get the time off." My mum said.

"Are you being for real? He OWNS the cab firm! What are you on about, about can't get time off?!"

"I'm just saying... before you give him a hard time..."

"Just stop! We know how much of a golden boy he is to you! Maybe you should have married him." I said before walking back to the men as they had finished.

"Right. That's all done for you. Any problems give us a call."

"Thank you." I said.

The tears flowed and I couldn't help myself. I didn't want to. It should have been easy after 10 years but it wasn't.

I felt myself being hugged and knew from the cologne it was my father.

"Your mother has gone back to the car..."

"Why did you bring her?"

"I tried not to! She just knew where I was going and was dressed and heading for the car before I was! I thought, I hoped! She would have been supportive."

"Pfft. Fine chance."

"Look, today isn't about your mother. We will leave you to have your time. When you go home just relax. Today is Gabriel's day. Nothing else matters."

"Thanks dad." I said as he kissed me on my forehead.

I was there until the sun set and then I went to an Italian restaurant that I had gone to since I was a little girl. My father used to always take me when I had been extremely good.

"Hello Sasha. We have your usual table just for you." Mario said to me.

Mario was the owner of the restaurant and him and my father were great friends.

"Thank you Mario."

A few hours later I decided it was time to go home. As soon as I put my keys through the door I could smell the smell of smoke.

Ugh. Troy was home.

"Aye. What time do you call this? I come home and you're not here. On top of that... there's no dinner. I don't see no dinner in your hand either."

Typical.

I ignored him and kept walking towards the bedroom. He jumped up and grabbed my arm.

"I'm talking to you!" He said.

I yanked my arm away.

"If you don't BACK the hell up, I swear today I may just kill you." I said with so much venom Troy looked scared.

"What's wrong with you?" He asked.

I laughed.

"Really? You're asking me what's wrong with me?"

"Yeah. I can tell you ain't in the best of moods, so what's up?"

So much for him remembering.

"Nothing Troy, nothing at all. I'm going to bed. Sleep in the front room tonight."

"I'm not sleeping in no front room! I have a bed! I'm sleeping there."

"Okay, come. But I may just smother you tonight. Try me." I said after slamming the bedroom door behind me.

My alcohol intake definitely had me feeling fiery but Troy knew I meant it.

After all... it's not like I haven't tried before is it?