#11 :: Double Standards

Chapter 28.

Troy

"So what do you want to talk about today?"

"I killed my son."

"When you say you killed your son what do you mean?"

"I pushed my wife down the stairs. She was pregnant and she ended up giving birth to a still born."

"I see. Do you think that's why you are so angry all the time?"

"No, I was angry before then. That just made it worse."

"So let's go back to the beginning. Do you know where this anger stems from? Childhood? First love? First heartbreak?"

"Definitely my childhood."

"What about your childhood makes you angry?"

"I didn't know my father. My mother said she didn't know him. Then this man... says I had to call him dad. But he didn't behave like a dad should. He would always beat my mum. He would make me watch. Told me that I need to watch and see just how worthless she is. Then when he beat me, she wouldn't watch. She would hear me screaming and she would smoke, she would drink, she would even turn up the volume to drown my cries out."

"How long did this go on for?"

"Until I was 13. Then one day I had enough and fought back. As soon as I hit him he said I was too unruly and he left. You know my mum begged him not to leave?"

I scoffed.

"How did that make you feel?"

"Furious. After that day I didn't respect her. He came back and said it's either me or him. That was the last time I ever saw either of them."

"You grew up in care?"

"Yep. My mother had pushed everyone away. I went to my grandmothers house one day. The house I remembered. She had moved. Left the country apparently. So from the age of 13 it's just been me."

"I can see why you're angry. The woman who was meant to love you unconditionally was the woman who hurt you the most and loved you the least."

"Yep. I guess that's why I don't respect women."

"You don't?"

"Nope."

"Not even your wife?"

I paused.

"Not even her." I said and hung my head in shame.

I couldn't believe I just said that but it was the truth. I didn't know how to respect a woman.

"How long have you and your wife been married?"

"Almost 11 years."

"Wow. You married young?"

"Yeah. I got her pregnant and her parents were against children out of wedlock."

"So you didn't want to marry her?"

"Not to begin with. Neither of us wanted to get married. But we did and in the beginning it was good. Was great."

"So what changed that?"

"I was still young. I was still sleeping around. A girl - my ex Siobhan I was still sleeping with her. I think she was sleeping with someone else too, because Sasha came to me and said she had caught a STI. I knew she wasn't sleeping around. Siobhan was the only other person I was sleeping with. Anyway, Sasha had her bags packed ready to leave me. Her leaving reminded me of when my mum told me to leave. Although different, the pain was the same. Rejection, neglect. Anger. I grabbed her and I was angry. Angry that she wanted to leave me. I couldn't have another person give up on me. So I let her go. She stumbled back and fell down the stairs. I regretted it instantly and took her hospital. She was still unconscious when they told me the baby didn't have a heart beat. I did that. I killed my son."