beautiful | daniel howell

a

day four: thursday.
reason four: your words.

"do you always do that?"

"do what?"

"bite your lip-wait no, let me correct that. do you always eat you lip?" elodie let out a low chuckle.

"yes." she answered simply.

'why?"

"nerves."

"nerves about what?"

"do you always ask so many questions?"

"yes...nerves about what?" she sighed and rolled her eyes, now watching the people pass by outside the window instead of dan.

"everything." she whispered.

"elodie? who are you? i-i mean, who are you at night, when no one's watching? who's the you, you don't let people see?"

"i-i." elodie sat with her cold blue eyes staring at dan's warm brown ones. "i-i have anxiety if that's what you mean."

"tell about it. what's it like. if you want to o-of course." he watched her intently, a gentle smile creeping up on his lips as he picked up the coffee cup, using it to keep his hands warm before takkng a sip. dan was genuinely interested in what she was saying; elodie had never met someone who cared about what she had to say. everyone else asked her if she was okay, yes. but they never really bothered enough to pay attention to her answer. sometimes she'd name fruit or talk about ants to see if they noticed. they didn't.

"it's...hard. i guess. there are times when i feel like i'm being swallowed up by shadows. and there is a black hole in my chest, nestled in my ribcage between my heart and my lungs. it's always there. there's a dark fogg in my brain, clouding my thoughts and judgments. it's scary. i can't think properly. i always seem to take things to heart, which is very bad because it means that everything hurts more."

"do you get anxiety attacks or panic attacks?" he asked taking another sip. his eyes never leaving hers.

"sometimes. not all the time but when i do, they're bad. really bad." she broke the contact looking down at the hot-chocolate in her hands.

"i'm sorry." he be shouldn't because it's not something he couldve changed but he was sincere.

"don't be."

"i don't know how it feels and i guess i never will but i want you to know that i want to help. i want be able to ease your anxiety." they sat in silence for a while. but it wasn't the kind that makes you uncomfortable. it was nice.

dan got up from the crease in the chair and say back down next to elodie placing his hand on her knee. "it's all too much." the words wrapped around her breathe; it sounded as if she'd cry but dan figured she was scared to do that too. just like she was cared of everything else. "the words. the looks. the judgement. all of it." she did anything to avoid making eye contact.

"none of that matters. just what you think, and don't let others poison your thoughts"

"the fears. the tears. it's all pointless i know that. but...i can't help it. i try to remember it doesn't matter in the moment but...i still get pulled under. i try to swim. i try. i really fucking try. but none of it matters because there's still chains tied to my feet. the sharks are still there. and i'm either drowning or being eaten alive. everyone around me ends up hating me."

"i could never hate you." elodie ignore dan. clearly thinking he was lying. "words. you have quite a way with words." she hummed in response. "reason four. your words."