Lexa Deserved Better (clexa fic)

fai

Clarke woke up kicking and screaming the next morning. Lexa tried desperately to reason with her firey tempered girlfriend. 

"Clarke, I'm angry, too, but I can't kill Titus."

"Why not?" Clarke fired back. "He deserves to die."

"But he is fleimkepa. He isn't expendable."

"He.Shot. You."

Clarke's jaw was clenched, her posture too rigid, her eyes reflecting the rage inside her. Lexa sighed and placed her hand on the small of Clarke's back, trailing her fingers up and down the girl's spine.

"You weren't like this yesterday."

"I was just happy you were still with me yesterday. I thought you were going to die. I couldn't live with myself if you had died when that bullet was meant for me."

Lexa had almost forgotten that Titus had been trying to kill Clarke. Suddenly, she found herself just as angry.

"That scum," Lexa mumbled. "He wanted you dead. He was going to kill you."

"Lexa, are you ok?" Clarke asked softly, gently grabbing her wrist. 

The commander looked down to see taht she had grabbed her dagger from under her pillow. Her hand shook as she slid it carefully back into its hiding place. 

"You're right. He should die," she responded calmly. 

"But you just said-"

"Screw what I said!"

"You are the Commander. If you wouldn't put him to death for shooting you, you can't put him to death for trying to kill me."

"Watch me," Lexa snarled, lunging for the door. 

"Heda, what are you doing?" one of the guards stationed outside asked as his leader came toppling out of her room. 

"Bring me Titus," Lexa ordered. "Now."

"Yes, Heda."

Lexa re entered her room and began to pace back and forth, fuming. Her footfalls were heavy, almost clumsy, showing a side of Lexa that Clarke had never seen before. It wasn't one she was sure she liked. 

"Lexa, come sit, please," Clarke requested, still sitting up in bed, her hair a mess and her eyes bleary and blinking in the early morning sunlight.  

Lexa continued to pace, her eyes trained on the ground. She silently began to braid her tousled hair, never once looking up. 

"Lexa! Chek ai au!" Clarke commanded. 

Lexa's head shot up at the use of Trigedasleng and Clarke's strong tone. She was on the verge of tears. Clarke's expression softened instantly when she saw her girlfriend's face. She patted the space next to her. 

"Come here, niron," Clarke whispered, her voice almost breaking. 

Lexa curled up into a ball in her lap, sniffling quietly. 

"I've never seen you cry before," Clarke said, a certain gentleness to her voice.

"No one's ever seen me cry before," Lexa responded. "It's not something I like others to be present for."

"I'm honored that you let me be here. It means a lot that you're letting me help."

"It means a lot that you're helping."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Clarke asked, pushing Lexa's hair away from her face. "I'm here."

"Can I just have a few minutes? I can't talk about it right now. I promise I will, but not right now. Can you just be here? With me?"

"Of course. As long as you need."

Clarke's hands were gentle and slow through Lexa's hair, moving in a comforting pattern across her scalp. A guard knocked on the door, his knuckles wrapping the wood three times.

"Heda? Ai min op?"

"Nou nau," Lexa called, struggling to keep the emotion from her voice0. "Lock Titus in the throne room. He will remain there until I am ready for him."

"Sha, Heda," came the muffled reply through the door. 

"Are you ok?" Clarke asked, pressing a kiss to Lexa's forehead.

"When do either of us ever get to be ok?" Lexa smiled sadly. "Would you like to hear why Titus' betrayal upsets me so much?"

"That depends. Of course, I'm curious, but we do this at your pace, depending on what you're comfortable with sharing. Would it help to talk about it?" 

"For the first time in my life, I think talking would be beneficial." Lexa shifted so that she was looking up at Clarke as she spoke. "Titus was here for me as soon as I became Commander. He helped me survive my first few weeks here, and he's guided me through countless tough decisions. If I had to pick someone, besides Anya, who was like a parent to me, I would choose Titus. 

"We've always been very close. He's tried to make me feel as welcome here as possible, which is hard when you are a child called to lead thousands of people who are all counting on you to do what is right for them and their families. I was a child, Clarke."

"How old were you?" Clarke murmured.

"Sixteen." 

"And how old are you now?"

"Nineteen. I've spent three years roaming the halls here, although it seems like forever, and Titus has been with me every step of the way. That's why this is so hard. That's why his course of action hurts so much. Not only did he shoot me, but he tried to kill the person I loved. He tried to kill the woman I believed to be my Keryon Lukot. If he really cared for me, he would not have done so."

"I think he was just trying to do what he thought was best," Clarke suggested. "I think he believed what he had taught you. I think he believed that love is weakness." 

"If he believes that love is weakness, then I shall judge him as though I do not love him," Lexa answered coldly. 

"Can you do that?" Clarke asked tentatively. "Can you walk into that room and deliver a verdict onto Titus like you don't love him?"

"Yes," Lexa nodded. "But I can't guarantee that I won't be heartbroken when it is done."

"I'll help you through that. That's what I'm here for," Clarke assured her. "Now go and make the decision that's right for your people."

Lexa climbed out of Clarke's lap, took a deep breath, and pushed the doors to her chambers open. There, she found two guards waiting outside. She ordered the first one to take her to Titus and the second to stay at his post, just to make sure that no one else tried to harm Clarke. 

She walked towards the throne room with an air of confidence that she couldn't afford to lose. She would not look weak in front of anyone: not her guards, not her servants, and definitely not Titus. 

The commander had nothing but strength in mind when she entered the throne room and faced the man she had once considered a father. How long that strength would hold out was anyone's guess.