I've rewritten the first sentence to this damned thing about fifteen times, because, for some reason, saying "Hi, my name is Luci; I'm the Queen of hell," just doesn't quite sound right. But hi, my name is Luci; I'm the Queen of Hell.That just never has a proper ring to it when I say it to anyone outside of the kingdom.
Anyway. Fuck it. Everyone else is sharing war stories and introducing themselves for no apparent reason to no apparent reader so I figured that since I am rather high up in the Strudeltopia hierarchy, I should probably introduce myself and offer some kind of explanation for what happened to me to send me to the depths of Hell and become a leader and what happens in my subkingdom. And, uh, that's what I'm going to do.
It started a while back when the kingdom was being created and all that fancy bullshit. I was a peasant then. I was killed in battle on a cold, December day with those Poptart scum, and since I was the first to fall and on good terms with the Overlord, I was kind of sent to this blank realm of emptiness and ye' olde Hans told me to do what I wanted with it (of course, with due cost). Dying in the cold and being reborn as the ruler of a kingdom of which I could sculpt to my every whim, I made a fiery underworld known to all kinds as Hell. The heat was probably a mistake looking back at it now, given that all of my clothes now have to be fireproofed, but I was kind of pissy that I died in the snow. I dunno. It just kind of happened.
My Hell isn't as bad as most lore makes it out to be (at least not for me); it's just a bit troublesome with all of the paperwork. The price that Hans spoke of was the dirty work that the dwellers of the overworld didn't want to deal with. In hindsight, it would've been a shitty trade if I had to spend all of my time reborn doing paperwork for peasant scum, but luckily I could put my men to work. Any of the wrongdoers drop into my domain once their life has been ripped from their twitching bodies. Straight to work, after burning them in front of my throne, of course.
So, the paperwork isn't half-bad, and the companion is cute, so that's a plus. Got a couple hellhounds to play with; they like fetching the dismembered body parts of the unlucky bastards that fall too close to me. The company is a bit annoying, so I have various death pits that are great fun to drop hellions into. The companion helps with the cleanup of that, too.
My companion is probably another good point to bring up; Eli is a fine specimen to accompany me for eternity. He fell in one day and I could see the adoration alight in his eyes (it was either that or the gleam of flames in his pupils, but I like to think it was love at first sight), his gaze up at me with such a delicate stare. His features were sharp and looked almost poisonous in the flames. I had to keep him. The Queen of the Snaps wasn't too amused by my companies' arrival. We had a thing a few millennia back, and Lady Scarlet of the Snapchats didn't seem to want to let that go to a hellion. It's still a weird fiery/picture-esque love triangle thing. It makes Friday nights fun, though.
Back to the whole Hell/Underworld/Paperwork thing. Hell is set up in factions, all of them terrible for the inhabitants, yet absolutely lovely for myself. In the center is my throne, encircled in torture chambers and cages dangling from the impossibly high ceiling. Fire monsters rage through the streets endlessly to add a more fantastic terror aspect to my domain. Cubicles in tight buildings lay beyond the main fantastic horror of the Kingdom Square. Long hours are worked by my demons and undead as they are supervised by wraiths and incubi/succubi. Every few days, the workers are yanked from their work spaces and dropped into the battle zone where they are forced to terrorize the undead Poptartians. Even in hell, they are discriminated against and tortured by their enemies in life. It's all great fun. Anyone who refuses is dropped in the oceans of lava that encase my horrible island kingdom. I couldn't ask for anything better.
Now, some people would say that torturing souls has made me a cold and unsociable person, and after burning those people, I would politely correct them by saying I do, in fact, have friends. Hans' daughter and Lady Scarlet of the Snapchats happen to be rather close friends of mine, and, on good days, I can even talk to Hans. Eli is always around to talk to as well. I'm a well rounded person, really. I warn you not to object to that unless you like desk work. Plus, on days that I am a bit too tired to abuse souls, I acknowledge a few lucky hellions with a brief nod and a motion for them to scurry away.
I'm not a cruel person, I promise.
Ugh. The screams are dying down outside of my chambers. I need to go see why no one is having their skin pulled away from their bodies. So, until next time, I shall bid whoever you are ado. Don't come back too soon.
