suicide or homicide?
how about homicide and then suicide?
i've never been able to picture myself killing someone
but at moments like these,
i'm just a few minutes away.
i've never tried to kill myself
but at moments like these,
i'm so goddamn desperate for an escape.
i just wanna run away
before i can hurt someone
and so i can stop being hurt.
i hate this fucking town
and my fucking bullshit school
and my fucking house we can't even afford anymore because my dad is too stupid to spend his money wisely and realize he's not good at finances.
and my fake ass family.
with my nervous wreck of a mother who's career went down the drain years ago when she married my dad but she's still trying to make a living that way she can support us without my dad.
and my dad who is a stereotypical narcissist and not the cool kind like tony stark but the kind that if you let him into your life he will destroy it emotionally with his words and physically with his impulsive spending.
i'm pretty sure my brother is retarded or some shit because he's failing all of his classes and doesn't understand anything. but it's all because he doesn't want to. and he's let the internet absorb his life and he's so fucking devoted to that glowing screen that it pisses me off so fucking much.
i'm gonna commit homicide.
or maybe suicide.
either one would feel so good.
i need to get my shit together but how can i if my family is a wreck?
they're destroying me.
bits and pieces of my morals and restraint float away.
fading into self-destructive impulses.
i'm scared
of myself
of what i might do if they push me over the edge just a bit farther and everything will go tumbling off that cliff down into the depths of the fucking ocean.
and it will be broken.
no
i will be broken.
because once you break something
sure
you can glue it back together
but it will never be the same.
i will never be the same.
the cracks will always be there
and the smallest pieces that you can't find will forever be missing.
and every time it breaks
it gets easier
to break again.
so what will it be?
suicide or homicide, my friend?
-g.w.
