If blank was an emotion, that's what I was feeling. My mind was a mess of so many things, I couldn't pick anything specific out; it was all a mass of feelings. One half of me, the more idiotic half, thought I should sneak out and go swimming with the rest of my freshman class. My more sensible half, didn't want to get out of bed at all. For some odd reason, I really wanted to go to the beach just a ways from my house. It was a feeling I didn't want to face and surely didn't want to act out. Three taps sounded at my door before my uncle stuck his head in with a concerned smile cutting through his defined wrinkles.
"You sure you're feeling alright, Wit?" He knew me better than I knew myself. He also knew there was no need to ask that question.
And, of course, I answered with a prepared, "Yeah, Uncle Levi, I'm fine. Just a light headache." The latter part of that sentence was truer than the rest. Actually, my "light headache' was more of a solid migraine that tortured my entire body. I had to blink more frequently than usual just to somewhat see the outline of my uncle. There was an awful taste in my mouth that had to be a combination of blood and vomit.
"I called your aunt and she should be home soon. You know she'll be asking you all sorts of questions, bud." He lost concentration of my face and his eyes moved to the floor. I knew he always became uncomfortable talking about his ex-wife. She was still a part of my life, I just didn't live with her. I didn't want to.
"Not if you don't tell her. She'll never know." As true as the statement was, it was completely wrong of me to say. The tightening of Levi's mouth let me know that for sure. "Sorry. I guess she deserves to know, too. You know how hard it is for me to talk to her." The truth was, my aunt was never a huge part of my life seeing that she and Uncle Levi divorced almost six years ago. More than anything, I hated her questions. They bothered me because I had no clue how to answer them and there were always so many. Even if they were yes and no question, it always felt as if she wanted me to elaborate on them further, but I never could. Words just didn't work for me, they never have.
When I was younger, one of my most vivid memories of ever being with my aunt was when she took me to a doctor trying to get them to diagnose me with something. She tried to find some medical reason as to why I was so different. This was maybe a week after my parents died and she didn't understand my sudden lack of communication (seriously, I didn't talk for almost a year straight). I almost smiled as I remembered how the doctors told her I was fine, but she wouldn't listen. There was never anything wrong with me, but she always swore there was. My aunt could never accept the fact that I just didn't talk to other people and I didn't have friends and I was terrified of the ocean because-
"Whitaker? Are you alright? You look a little lost in thought." Once again, Uncle Levi pulled me out of my thoughts and into reality. I didn't know which was scarier.
"Yes, sir, I'm fine." What a well-rehearsed sentence it was becoming. I slumped back on my bed just a little more, my migraine pulling me into a trance. It was one of the worst feelings one could ever have.
"Are you having a migraine again? I can see it written all over your face."
"Is it really that obvious?" Was all I could get out before feeling like I was going to vomit all over again. My uncle seemed to understand more than anyone in the whole world just how I was feeling. It was like he could read my every feeling just by what I didn't say. "Yeah. It's worse than normal." But I'm sure he already knew that.
"Was everything okay for your last day? Did anything happen?" Levi's phone buzzed lightly and he fished it out of his pocket. When he sighed, I already knew what he was going to say. "It's your aunt. She's fifteen minutes away." I could hear a combination of reluctance and fear in my uncle's voice, but he maintained a straight face. I rubbed the back of my head and waited for him to say something else. When he didn't, I shut my eyes and held back a painful groan by biting my tongue. For some reason, it stung to stare at the back of my eyelids. Without opening my eyes, I knew Uncle Levi had left. As a new second passed and one replaced it, I felt sick. More than the average weakly-headache-and-vomit sick. Everything hurt, everything burned.
I didn't want to open my eyes because it hurt for any light to hit them, but I surely didn't want to keep them closed for the pain was excruciating. For some strange reason, in all of this, Cassandra crossed my mind. It didn't make me feel any better. If anything, it only made me think of white and navy mixed together to form something dangerous. Something unpredictable. I hated myself for being such a coward. People get over their fears on a daily bases, but for some reason, I was stuck. It was like everyone else was moving on a conveyor belt with only small bumps along the way. Not me. My conveyor belt had been jammed for years and didn't look like it was coming unstuck any time soon.
All these people had things to do and others to see. They had no time to help me out, to help me off this ride I was on. Nobody bothered to ask if I was alright or if I needed some help. No one even bothered to give me a passing glance as they made their way forward. That's why Cassandra's sudden concern was uncomfortable for me. Her want to "help" me was unwanted because I lived and breathed one emotion. Fear.
If I couldn't help myself, how was anyone else supposed to help me? I could barely breathe as these thoughts coasted my brain. Often, I felt useless and completely paralyzed because of what I lacked that literally everyone else seemed to have. I was afraid of the ocean not for attention and definitely not because I wanted to. The thought of it paralyzed me because I don't want to suffer the same fate as my parents. My parents were fearless and brave and that's what killed them in the end.
I wished they would've stuck around just long enough to see me through. My parents were gone and I only had one thing to blame for that. The massive, threatening sea. That huge mass of water was the reason I was stuck. It was the reason everyone poked fun at me, it was the reason under my eyes was so dark because I get no sleep. It kept me awake for nights on end and shocked every dream I had, turning them into nightmares. It was the reason I was sick. It was the reason for everything that ever happened to me.
The stupid ocean was going to be the death of me, just like my parents. It was going to drive me over the edge into whatever lay below. Now, I was waving my arms around for someone to help me, waiting for a pair a hands to meet mine and save me from this horrible place I was in. I may not have wanted it, but help is exactly what I needed.
Maybe, just maybe, Cassandra could save me after all.
