I was anxious. I could hear my heartbeat thumping inside my chest like a wild animal craving freedom. I stayed in my bed as the afternoon hours slipped into evening. The sun began to fall prey to the horizon and the moon would soon overtake the sky. It was almost time. In a few hours, my life would restart completely. No longer would I be afraid of the ocean. The kids from school wouldn't tease me and then I could focus on helping Cassandra. She meant everything to me. She needed me to be okay.
As night fell, I thought out the whole plan over again in my head. First, I will jump from the window, landing on the sandy area below. That should break my fall. After that, I would make my way back down to the beach and say everything I was thinking out loud. I would then think of Cass as I looked at the beauty of the sea, just focusing on how pretty it will be. And with this, I'll be able to jump off the dock and into the water. I would simply feel it. Once I swam back to shore I would no longer be afraid. I would see the ocean for how beautiful it is, just like Cass said. Then I'd simply climb back up through the window.
It was only 8:13 and I didn't want to leave too early in case they came and checked on me again. So before I executed my plan, I would write two letters. One to Cass and one to Levi thanking them for all their help. My heart raced and I knew I was smiling. The thought of being free from constant fear was so relieving. I would be a whole new person. My life would be so much better. And my parents will be so proud. The though made me grin uncontrollably. I pulled a sheet of lined paper and a pen from the little wooden table by my bed. Almost without having to think, I wrote to Cassandra.
Dear Cass,
You're the most wonderful person I know. You've given me a reason to live and a reason to change. Without you, I would forever be stuck in a bubble, afraid to live. Showing me that the ocean is nothing to be afraid of has given me a sense of purpose. Now, I can wake up and walk to school without that horrible feeling in my stomach. You've changed my life for the better. I promise I'll see you tomorrow and tell you all this in person.
Love, Whitaker Walker
The letter was nothing too lengthy because I knew she'd want me to tell her all about it. And tomorrow, my last day in the hospital, I would. Just thinking about it made me smile. I retrieved a clean sheet from the table and began writing Uncle Levi's letter. It took me a minute to think about exactly what I wanted to say.
Dear Uncle Levi,
Thanks a million for taking me in. I'm sure at times I was a pain and you'd rather have just lived your life without me in it. I appreciate you so much. You've given me courage and taught me that it's okay to be afraid. Thanks to you and Cassandra, I'm not afraid anymore. I've learned to conquer my fears and truly live my life. I owe it to you, Levi. We'll go on fishing trips and you can teach me how to steer a boat. We can spend some time together out at sea because I know how much that will mean to you. I promise we'll start tomorrow.
Love, Wit
I couldn't wait to help Levi at his job and finally learn to let go. I won't be afraid of the ocean anymore. My life was finally going to change for the better. I glanced at the clock beside me. I hadn't realized that nearly two hours had passed. I crept from my bed and made my way slowly to the window.
"Don't chicken out now." I let me fingers curl around the window and I yanked it open. A rush of night air cooled my face. It was then that I realized I had been sweating. My knees buckled for a moment as I let my fear overtake my courage. I shook the bad feeling in my chest. Luckily I was only on floor two, making the drop easy. I took a few deep, calming breaths and let myself out the window. I hung there for a split second, clinging on to the sill before falling onto the sand below.
I felt dizzy as I tried to stand. I held on to the wall of the hospital for a moment before steadying myself. My knees felt weak and my eyes couldn't focus on anything. I blinked a few times, trying to make out the sea from the shore. Once the boundary was established, I walked as fast as I could without falling towards the sea. It wasn't long until I broke out into a full on sprint. The paved roads and buildings soon turned to dunes of sand and wooden posts in a blur. My chest felt heavy, but I refused to stop running. That is, until I tripped on something.
I was sent rolling onto the sandy ground. I hit my head on something hard, like a rock, and stopped sprawled out on the sand. My limbs burned in the sand and I hoped nothing was broken. I opened my eyes and I couldn't see. Black spots slowly cleared up and my vision.m returned. I groaned. My head felt like it had been split open with a blunt axe. I couldn't feel my fingers and there was barely any feeling in my legs. My heartbeat slowed from the invigorating sprint earlier.
I couldn't move. As much as I tried, my legs and arms seemed to be stuck. Come on, Whitaker, get up. I willed myself to get up from the warm sand. Slowly, but surely, I managed to push myself up as the numbness left my arms and legs. My head pulsed as if my brain had a heartbeat. My vision was a sickening kind of blurry. I rubbed my arms, but it didn't help. Tripping and falling wasn't part of the plan. Neither was slamming your head into a rock. I willed myself forward at a slower pace. The beach wasn't getting any closer. In fact, the closer I walked towards it, the further away it seemed to get.
My brain pounded as I stumbled on towards the water. Everything was fuzzy and seemed to vibrate with every step I took. The stars twinkling above hurt my eyes and the water sounded so distant from me. I kept stumbling forward keeping my hands out in front of me, waiting for my vision to return back to normal. I blinked multiple times trying to regain focus. My feet were met with a rush of cold water and wet sand suddenly. I looked down and noticed the ocean was wrapped around my ankle moving back and forth to its own rhythm. I sucked in my breath.
So many things were rushing through my head that I couldn't single out one specific thought. Everything I saw was slurred together as if I was drunk. I tried to shake myself from it. I stumbled forward and felt goosebumps erupt on my body. The water was cold and sharp, everything I imagined it would be. It curled around my calves and I continued to stumble forward, one single thought running through my head: if you don't win now, you'll lose for the rest of your life.
That's all life was. A game for everyone to play and you can win or lose. I was tried of losing. My feet hit the sandy bottom of the ocean floor with more force now. Nothing was standing in my way. I wasn't even thinking about the dark water as it swallowed my waist. Something was pushing me legs to kick harder. Something was forcing me to go out further despite the strands of seaweed tangling around my legs. I kept going thinking things like if I do this I'll be a totally different person and if you don't you'll amount to nothing but a coward. And that's all you'll be your whole life. I was so caught up in my murky thoughts that I didn't realize I couldn't reach the bottom anymore.
My legs were thrashing around as I struggled to keep from swallowing water. I choked on the cold salty sea that was all around me. My lips wouldn't form any words as water filled my mouth time and time again. Fear replaced any amount of courage I ever had. Frantically, I tried to look for any sign of the shore.
"I can't swim." I said to myself once my mouth was emptied of the stingy seawater. I felt myself getting sick, the usual migraine followed by vomit. "Somebody help me!" I called. My head kept slipping underwater and I was so far away from the shore I couldn't even see any lights or hear any cars. How did I even get out this far? My eyes were burning from the saltwater and I could feel my legs going numb. The whole time I'd been trying to form this plan to conquer my fear, never once did it cross my mind that I might die.
