My heart was racing by the time I woke up. My eyes kept glancing out the window at the beach that lay on the horizon. I could hear my unsteady breaths playing in my head. There was a sick feeling buried deep within my chest and wrapped tightly around my brain. I sprang from my bed and made my way over to the window. My breath fogged the window glass as I squinted my eyes.
Just in the distance, I could see small sparks that added a vague sense of happiness flooded my veins in the form of giddy heat. I could be just like them. Why did the ocean have to hold me back? Why couldn't I be like everybody else? I could go to that party and have fun with the rest of my class. But that wasn't Whitaker, that was someone else that I wanted to be. I could be someone new. All I had to do was change.
I smiled like I was a child in a candy store. I was going to be someone new. My heart continued to beat faster as I though about seeing Cassandra there. I could see her brilliant smile as she held sparklers in her hands and beckoned me into the cold sea. I could see myself with tousled hair and salt in my nose as I jumped into the ocean, my hand in hers. I could be someone new with Cass.
I pushed myself from the window and threw open my closet doors. I dug out a pair of navy swim trunks and a solid white shirt sleeved shirt. The party must've started nearly an hour ago, but from what I could see from the window, it wasn't about to stop. I took a quick glance at my alarm clock sitting on my night table. 11:32. Levi should be asleep, he had to be. My somewhat of a courageous high was rising steadily as my fingers curled around the rough edge of my window. I pulled it up and felt a fresh summer breeze rush against my skin. My pale, thin arms grew cold at the sudden rush of air.
I could smell the ocean from where I was. I looked down at the sandy banks below me and realized that I'd have to jump down. I shut my eyes and swung out of my window. I held on to the edge and felt my fingers give way. I fell down and hit the rough ground below. I bit my lip. I got up, thankful that nothing was broken, and dusted the little grains from my legs. I breathed in and felt the summer wind ruffled my hair, moving it from its usual position. I could hear the music being played down at the shore and wanted nothing but to belong. If I could make it down there and feel the beat in my chest, maybe I could finally belong.
So I ran. I pushed my feet against the sand driven by nothing but wanting to belong. I was high on the fact that I just might be able to be like everyone else. The noise changed from music beating in the night to a mixture of happy screams and playful laughter. My fellow peers. I approached the beach and the smell of salt was immediately replaced with the corrosive smell of alcohol.
Then I felt the music in my chest, but not in the way one would imagine. Instead, it seemed to pulse in my head causing an entirely new migraine to form. This was not a good idea. I should never have come here. I was going to stumble away, but my body wouldn't move.
"Hey, look everybody, Whitaker actually showed up! He's actually here!"
I couldn't tell who it was just by their voice and it was too dark to make out their face. All I could see was the sparklers and cigarette smoke that was so thick I felt like I could reach out and grab a handful. I coughed violently and wanted desperately to escape. Whitaker was back, the smart and sensible version of me had returned. I couldn't remember what made me come here in the first place.
Suddenly, the party grew quiet with nothing but popping sparklers cutting into the night. A few fingers were pointed and people snickered, like I expected.
"I didn't think he'd actually show up. I mean, it's not like we want him here." A chorus of girlish giggles erupted after the muttered comment. That didn't matter to me. I knew I had no friends here, except for Cass. Then it hit me. I came here for her. She had to be here.
I pushed passed a group of students who held red cups sloppily in their hands and drink grins on their faces. The smell was awful and the music didn't help as it's volume increased. The impact and intensity of all the smells and noises and sights that surrounded me intensified. I could feel that same icky feeling return to my stomach.
"Cassandra?" I questioned weakly, trying to make out all the faces in the large crowd. But everything seemed to blur together as the cigarette smoke thickened around the scene. Sparklers were being tossed around and waved through the air as kids celebrated for the summer, but I still didn't belong. As much as I longed to be apart of all this, I just didn't fit in. There was nobody to blame for it, and there was nothing I could do but pretend to be someone I'm not.
Cassandra wasn't here and she wasn't going to change me. Nobody could do that. For the rest of my life, I would be living in fear. Then I fell onto the sand as if I'd almost forgotten my greatest enemy other than myself. It all came back to me suddenly as I fell onto the very edge of the sandy shore. The ocean tide was lapping at my hands (I'd fallen on all fours) and I couldn't move. The ocean was right there, weaving its way in and out between my fingers.
"Oh God," I muttered, breathless, "oh God." The party around me seemed to stop and I knew everyone was staring at me, waiting to see what I would do. I tried to move, but I felt like any motion would be the last thing I would do. The ocean was going to leap up any minute and swallow me whole, just like my parents. I was going to die at the hands of the horrible navy sea. I needed to get out of here. I had to get back home, away from the ocean.
"He's gonna be sick!" Someone pointed out, stating the obvious. I managed to push myself up from the ground, unsteadily. My feet were buried in the sand, but it didn't help my balance. My hands were covered in the cold ocean water. I might as well have had my parent's blood on my hands.
"I-I-" I panted looking down at the water drops that fell to the sand below, dissipating into nothingness. My chest tightened and my breath hitched time and time again. Everybody was staring at me, that I knew, but there was nothing I could say to make them stop. They all wanted to see me do something, like I was everybody's science experiment suddenly. My brain became fuzzy as spots began to put holes in my vision and I stumbled back a little, barely keeping my balance.
I had to get out of there, but my legs would not move. A breeze ran through the beach and my hands turned cold. I was still staring at them, even though the water had mostly dried by now. I felt familiar tears cool my cheeks that burned raw. I couldn't wipe my eyes because my hands were tainted. Stained with the awful, unpredictable monster that took my parents, my life. It swallowed them without a second glance and it could do so right now to anyone standing on this beach.
And my shaking, pale hands were the last thing I saw before I blacked out and fell hard against the sand.
