DEMONS ✦ bts

reflection

the other realm, however, overlapping half our house, was completely different. a loud mixture of horrendous, intriguing, frightful, mysterious things; including slaughterhouses and prisons, drunkards and screeching fish wives, calving cows, horses sinking to their deaths, tales of robberies, murders, and suicides.

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the floor beneath him was cold, freezing. he'd sat there for hours, but even his body heat hadn't warmed the steel ground.

an envelope sat beside him, unopened and untouched since he arrived there. after years of torment, he was afraid to open it. what would his demon leave for him this time? he didn't want to know.

the squeak of a marker beckoned him to lift his head. he'd been in his own cage of a mind for hours, and his demon had finally arrived.

namjoon watched the words as they wrote themselves into existence on the mirror before him. he wished to close his eyes before he could read it, but he'd already registered the sentence.

"the envelope," it read, "open it."

he sighed and shook his head defiantly. he wasn't in the mood for his demon's games.

the marker squealed against the glass. namjoon knew it was only beckoning him more adamantly to look inside. he reached for the envelope despite his original plans, tearing it open without a care. he opened his eyes and reached inside.

it was a drawing. a black crow taking flight from wisps of darkness. why did his demon leave it for him?

"what's this?"

"your way out."

namjoon dropped the paper with a scoff. why would his demon offer a way out? the thought filled his gut with dread. would he ever be able to leave?

"why am i still here?"

"you must survive."

the words tattooed themselves behind his eyelids. they seared themselves to his soul and he felt their philosophy seep into every corner of his being. he wondered why his demon said such a thing.

the words disappeared as he blinked, as if they had never been there to begin with, but he felt them in the back of his mind.

he watched as his reflection morphed suddenly, taking on a much darker form of himself. the demon's eyes grew black and its skin, ashen. its nails grew twice their original size and namjoon couldn't do much more than watch in horror.

"you hate what you see in the mirror, don't you?"

namjoon didn't answer. they both knew the truth.

"isn't this how you see yourself? why do you look so scared?" it snickered, "you think you're a monster, no?"

namjoon didn't want to give his demon the satisfaction of an honest answer, but he didn't want it to continue, either.

"leave me alone,"

"why? if i leave, you'll do this to yourself anyway. how is it so different if i do the tormenting?"

namjoon frowned, clenching his fists by his sides. "you're not me."

the demon laughed, "aren't i, though?"

he shook his head, but the demon was right. it always had been. it never lied to him, or put words in his mouth. they both knew that.

"you hate yourself, and you hate me. you find yourself disgusting, putrid, undeserving of love. you think you're evil and ugly, inside and out. is that not what you think of me?" the demon's face grew more distorted as namjoon cowered away.

"to see ugliness in another is to recognize it within yourself, namjoon."

he closed his eyes tight, feeling powerless against it. he wished that if he didn't see his demon, it wasn't there and it couldn't torture him anymore, but the demon was himself, and there was no getting away from that.

"we hate those who act out our own thoughts and desires we see as evil." the demon sounded like he was smiling, "i embody everything you hate about yourself, and you loathe me; you loathe yourself."

"stop!" namjoon begged, "you're right! you're always right! i hate you and i hate myself! please, just leave me alone."

"you can't get away from this. not yet."

"why not? why can't i just be free of you? why do you continue to exist and torture me?"

the demon frowned suddenly, "you really don't know, do you?"

namjoon's expression mirrored his demon's.

"you won't let me out. you won't love yourself, so i'm stuck here. what else am i to do but torment you?" the demon's sad expression fell, revealing sick laughter.

he turned his back on his demon. namjoon wanted out. he wanted to live in peace, without hatred and doubt. he wanted to love himself. why couldn't he love himself?

"i wish i could love myself," namjoon pressed his head against the mirror behind him, "but where do i start?"

"pick yourself up and leave this place."

he sat up, turning to face his demon. "what? how?"

"do you understand nothing about this place?" the demon smirked, "you've spent years here. you put yourself here, but you don't know how to leave?"

"i don't know-"

"you have to want to leave. you have to decide that this isn't where you want to be."

namjoon frowned deeply, "but i-"

"what? you already know you don't want to be here?" the demon tilted its head, smirking smugly at namjoon. "do you really think that allowing me to torture you is you being defiant? that it's helping you at all? don't make me laugh."

namjoon slumped against the wall. his demon was right. he had allowed everything to happen. he never tried to make it stop, only asked. he was complacent in his own torment.

"for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." namjoon's demon began to fade, it's eyes slowly turned back to normality and it's skin regained life. "you have to do something, or nothing will happen."

within seconds, namjoon was staring at his own reflection again. it moved with him, and looked like him, and the realm felt impossibly lonely once more.

if he wanted to leave, there had to be intent, desire, and action. he had to do something. 'something' could mean anything, though.

the road to loving oneself doesn't seem to start with taking long showers, or dressing how you wish, or telling yourself you're beautiful. even forgiving yourself is merely another tick on your to-do list. perhaps the journey begins when you decide you're worth loving.

"i want to love myself."